Bird Boy

            by Emma Ammirati

 

Natasha watches as a mother runs past with her children clutched to her sides, hurrying to escape the cold. Their eyes meet for a moment, and the mother looks at her with disgust and runs a little faster, pushing her daughters ahead of her. The freezing air bites into Natasha’s face and neck, distracting her from why she is sitting on the streets of London.  She squeezes further into the corner of a building she has decided to call home. The heavy flakes of snow slide down her cheeks.  Closing her eyes, Natasha drowns in the memories she tried to escape.

She is back in San Jose, California, with Tom’s warm embrace holding her upright: no longer is she wedged between two freezing slabs of stone.

***************************

The first time she met him was during her senior year, at a house party at the end of the year. She didn’t know anyone but her friend, Kristine who, after about five minutes, disappeared into the crowd with a boy who was “an old friend.” The speakers were pounding Led Zeppelin, and, scanning the room, Natasha noticed that everyone had the signature red cup in hand. Tonight she had on a pair of worn-in bellbottoms, a black scoop necked leotard, with her sleek copper hair tied in a high pony tail.

“I’m Jake, what’s your name?” the guy next to her said.

“Natasha.”

            “Where’s your drink, little lady? This is a Party! Let me get you one and I’ll even add my secret ingredient ‘cause you’re so damn cute.”

             She looked at him.  She tried to think of a polite way to say, Hell no. I wouldn’t      let  you to put orange juice in my cup.  

“Oh, I was about to go to the bathroom,” she said.

“Okay, honey, I’ll be right here.” As Natasha walked by, Jake slid his hand down her back.  She turned around, and Jake smiled and kissed the air. Ew.  She walked down a long hallway, and, when she was about to open the door of what she thought was the bathroom, she heard someone shout her name.

            “Natasha!…Jeez…,” she headed towards the door at the end of the hall from where the voice was coming.

Natasha stepped inside the room and, before she could ask the stranger if she knew him, he said, “Natasha, all you ever do is pace around your cage! You know I would let you out, but mom always finds your ‘little presents’ everywhere.” Okay, he was definitely not talking to me. How embarrassing is this? I have the same name as this guy’s freaking bird.  He hasn’t noticed me yet so maybe if I’m real quiet I can just tip-toe out, and he will never know the difference! She was doing an excellent job of channeling her inner James Bond, when she tripped over a lone shoe, and fell flat on her back. Oh, great.

            “Are you alright?” the guy said, as he pulled her up. His eyes were a vivid green, and his hair was a tousled auburn.

            “Uh yeah…I’m fine.”

            “Were you looking for something?”

“Oh. No. I just thought I heard someone say my name so I came in here.”

“Sorry about that. I’m just getting frustrated with my bird because she won’t eat her food. Wait- your name’s Natasha, too?”

            She nodded and then asked, “Can I try something?”

            “You know a magic trick for healing insane birds?”

            “Sort of,” she said, smiling.

Natasha reached into her pocket and pulled out three bird seeds. She walked over to the bird’s cage and dropped them into the food dish. The clover-colored bird gave her a quizzical look and, after confirming Natasha had not just dumped poison into her cage, she became a blurred ball of feathers as she commenced to eat her food

            “Why did you just happen to have those in your pocket?”

            “For emergencies like this, of course! I have three parakeets at home, and if I put sunflower seeds in their food they always eat it.”

            “Well, thanks for helping me out. She hasn’t eaten in two days, and I have no idea what’s wrong, but I’ll try the sunflower seed magic for a while.”

            “No problem,” she said, heading out the door.

            “Well, maybe I’ll see you around?”

            “Who knows?” she called back, as she walked down the hall. Christ. Where is the bathroom? All these doors look exactly the same, and there’s like a hundred. Okay, I am pretty sure this is it, she thought, turning a door handle.

            “L-I-N-E-N….Liiiiiiiiiiiiineeeeeeeeeen…  L-I-N-E-N…Liiii-” Natasha turned around, and saw it was the bird that had prevented her from walking into a pile of sheets. She flaunted her green plumage at Natasha to show her who was boss.

“How did you get here?” she asked.

“Whoa, looks like little Natasha here just saved your life. Since she finally ate, I decided to let her out so she can get some air,” Bird Boy said, coming out of his room,

“So you are looking for something… ”

            “Well I was just trying to find the bathroom….”

            “Here, I’ll show you where it is,” he said, taking her arm and leading her down another hallway.  After a few minutes, they stopped in front of a sliding white washed door.

            “Thanks,” she said, sliding the door open.

            “Just returning the favor,” he said. “Want me to get you a drink?”

            “Sure.”

            “Great. I’ll meet you back here in five?”

            “Yeah…” He walked down the hallway out of sight. Okay five minutes! She slammed the door closed. When she had finished going to the bathroom and washing her hands, she tried to open the door. It wouldn’t budge.

 “Dammit!” She grabbed the handle with both hands and pulled; straining her muscles, but stumbled backwards when the door opened easily. Bird Boy was on the other side.

            “I heard you, so I figured the door got stuck again.”

            “Thanks.”

            “Here’s your drink,” he said, handing her a red cup. She took a sip. Root beer.

            “Sorry about that, but we ran out of the hard stuff.”

            “That’s alright. I have to drive home anyway.” Cups in hand, they walked back into the living room.

“Is this your party?” she asked, as a girl danced into a table, knocking a vase perched on top of it to the floor.

“Not really.  My brother is home from college so he wanted a celebration.”  

Natasha glanced at the red light of a nearby digital clock. Almost 1 A.M…Where is Kristine anyway?

“This is a great party, but I gotta go find my friend cause its getting late,” she said, heading for the stairs. When she reached the top of the stairs, she heard Kristine’s unmistakable, high pitched laugh. Natasha opened the door to her right and said,

 “Kristine, I’m going to- Oh.” She looked over to where Kristine was, and saw that Jake was in the midst of slobbering all over her neck.  Well then. Kristine saw her and pushed Jake’s face away.

            “Natasha! Don’t worry about me; I’ll get a ride home later!” Natasha looked at her with pure disgust before slamming the door on her way out.

 “Hey slow down there,” Bird Boy had come up behind her, “Penny for your thoughts?”

“Oh, it’s nothing.  I’m just tired so I’m heading home,”

“What’s the rush? Let’s go grab some food. I know you haven’t eaten anything cause if you had you would be vomiting…my brother likes to think he can cook.”          

“That sounds good to me. Let’s take my car. I’m parked around the corner.”

Once they were in her car, she turned to him,

            “Where should we go Bird Boy?” Oh man. Did I actually just say that? Jesus     Christ!       

“Sure, you could call me that. Most people prefer Tom.” They both burst out laughing.

When she had caught her breath she said, “Let’s get some fries at Danny’s.”

            “I’ve never been, but it sounds good.”

After they had ordered the fries and a milkshake, they spent the next hour discussing how much they loved baseball and eating tamales.  When he asked her where she thought the perfect date would be, she replied,

            “Hmmmm… the beach at sunset.”

            “When should we go?” he said. 

She slid out of the booth and smiling at him took his hand.

            “Sunrise will work just fine.”

            The door chimed as they left the restaurant.

“It’s just 1 AM,” he said.

“Let’s drive to Big Sur then. My mom thinks I’m sleeping at Kristine’s anyway,” Natasha said, feeling a rush of sudden excitement hit her.

“Okay, let’s go! This time, I’m driving,” he said.

**************************

            A smile spreads across her blistered lips, making her face look like an aged map. Those were the beautiful moments, and at eighteen she really believed that was her happy ending. The way it would always be.

A speckled gray pigeon waddled over the dirty snow to Natasha. You can fly away. Go! Leave! There is nothing left here. The pigeon stared her down with its ill-looking yellow eyes. No, I can’t leave. Can’t you see I’m covered in snow? Oh. It’s not long before…you know because I could swear I can understand you.

            “Natasha. Natasha. Natasha.”

She heard a voice calling her name over and over again. She forced her eyes open.

A man with slightly tousled dark brown hair, wearing a sweatshirt and shorts stood facing her.  His piercing green eyes smiled at her.

 Who is this? I feel as if we’ve met.  Have we? I don’t know…

            “It wasn’t your fault. You remember.”

White hot pain melted away all the snow that had been hiding her worst memories, her worst fears.

********************************

Tom and Natasha were married her second year of college. For their honeymoon they went to the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, New York.. 

“So what are we naming our children?” Natasha  asked as they snuggled on the hotel couch while watching “The Sound of Music.”  The rain dripping on the windows added to the melancholy song.

“Well how about ‘Akin’….”

“Hmm….and why do you like that name, love?” she said, knowing it would be another corny joke of his.

“I’m just achin’ with my love for you, Babe!”

“Oh, that would be murder for the poor child! His nickname would have to be Ache, wouldn’t it?”

“Oh, any names suit me, just as long as they’re our children.”

“Well, I was thinking of having an affair, you know,” she said with a mischievous grin.

“Oh, really?” he said, tossing a pillow at her. Then he stood up, and scooped Natasha up into his embrace. As she held onto Tom, he lowered his head, and gave her a passionate kiss.

“Do you still want to have that  affair?”  

She looked into the depths of his sea-green eyes, and knew that he was her happily ever after.

 * * * * * * * * * ** *

The man was still standing there. Smiling at her. But at the same time he wasn’t. Maybe he was just a trick of the light, because he was most visible if she closed her eyes, and when she opened them he was a shimmery blur.

            * * * * * * * * * * * * *

After a week in New York, they went to London to visit some of Tom’s friends. Like Tom, they were all easy- going, kind and, thankfully, they knew how to cook.

Natasha was playing with Jeremy and Mary’s children, while Tony was making a roast with them.

            “I’m going to head down the street to get us some wine. Should I pick up anything else for our feast?” Tom asked.

            “Oh yeah…get us some yummy cheese. Yeah, just take a right and then a left, and it’s on that corner.”

            “Cheese and wine. I’m on it. I’ll be back in ten.”  He gave Natasha a wink, “Maybe I’ll bring back a little something for you, too.”

 

Ten…..thirty minutes had passed, and Tom still hadn’t returned with the groceries.

            “Do you think he got lost?” Mary asked Natasha.

            “Hmm…but I’m sure he would ask someone for help, wouldn’t he?”

 The sound of a wailing siren drowned the weather report that was being announced on the radio.  Natasha leaned out the window, and watched as three police cars headed towards the direction Tom went. Losing all self- control, she grabbed her coat, and ran down the stairs.

With her hair falling out of the once- tight bun she was wearing, Natasha raced down the street to the corner store where Tom had gone. Tears clouded her eyes as she saw the police cars parked outside the store. Their flashing red lights obscured her vision. A blue Mercedes was stopped in the middle of the street.  The driver was standing outside of it. Sweat dripped off his face as he shouted at the policeman,

            “It wasn’t my fault! Godammit! I didn’t even see him! I mean, he saw me. It wasn’t my fault. I didn’t do anything.”

            “Well its good you called 9-1-1.”

And then she saw him. Sprawled on the street was Tom. Her Tom.  Natasha fell to her knees beside him.  Paint-like blood matted his once glossy hair. In his right hand he clutched a sodden brown paper bag. The wine bottle was reduced to broken shards of glass. The red wine pooled with Tom’s blood. His breathing was raspy as he struggled to open his mouth.

            “The paramedics are on their way, Ma’am.” a policeman said, walking up to her.

            “That doesn’t matter anymore! Can’t you see he’s dying?”

The policeman gave her a look filled with compassion before he walked away.

Tom had moments, maybe even seconds, before he died. Why didn’t I go with him?   “Natasha. I’m glad you came. I love you… Don’t forget.”

            “Tom! My Bird Boy . . . you know I love you too… ….Please. Please don’t leave…” But she couldn’t save him.  He looked at her with glazed eyes, and smiled.

            Natasha’s hair mingled with Tom’s as she crouched over him, and pressed her lips to his. When she opened her eyes she saw that his were closed, but a smile remained on Tom’s face.

The paramedics arrived a few moments later. They had to pull her away because she did not want to let go of Tom. They zipped him up in a black bag, and drove off. Natasha stood on the street corner watching as the truck became a red dot on the horizon. She looked across the street wondering why Tom had tried to cross the street. A green sign blared at her, JULIE’S FLOWERS. 

When she got back to Mary and Jeremy’s apartment, she just sat staring out the window. She didn’t understand why all of this had happened. Their dream of having kids…teaching them baseball….Gone.  Mary tried to offer her something to eat, but Natasha pushed the food away. All their aspirations were crushed to nothing.  Natasha stayed with Mary and Jeremy for another week while preparations for Tom’s cremation and memorial service were made. Natasha insisted on having the service outside, despite the freezing weather, “Tom would hate for us to be cooped up inside.” While this was true, Natasha also wanted to feel the sting of the cold air on her face.

 “Come stay with us dear. We don’t want you to live alone,” Mary offered, after the memorial service.

            “Thank you both. For all you have done. I’m okay, really I am.”

That was two days ago.

        *****************

Tom’s image floods her mind once more, as she clutches his urn to her face. Like a movie on fast forward, she watches her happiest moments. And then a new movie begins. A life without Tom is possible. She might never love in the same way again. But his green eyes reassure her that she has to live. For him. To go where he can not. The mettle cage is pulled opened and with a flourish of green Natasha flies out.

With a burst of energy, she breaks free from the snow. She walks up to Tom’s now blurring image, and embraces him. Her hair, her body blends with his one last time. When they separate, he looks at her and nods. She looks again, and the snow has melted where Tom’s image stood. A patch of green grass grows in his place. Farther on, there are foot prints leading her onwards.  With the wind kissing her face, she runs towards the setting sun, and releases Tom’s ashes. They fly towards the last rays of yellow and red, and form a grey cloud that filters the tangerine light. She smiles, and turns away.