by David Crane

 

Int. – Vegas Airport Terminal – Evening

 

Hound

People just aren’t attractive

 

Hawk

Yeah

 

Hound

You know what I mean?

 

Hawk

Yeah

 

Hound

They’re just, I don’t know, ugly, or something.

 

Hawk

Yep

 

Int. – Vegas Airport Budweiser Lounge – Evening

 

Hound

What happens in Vegas –

 

Hawk

Shut up

 

Hound

Okay. Why?

 

Hawk

Just cause.

 

Hound

Doesn’t that saying…

 

Hawk

Piss me off? Yes.

 

Hound

Well, I guess it isn’t a saying

 

Hawk

What do you mean?

 

Hound

I mean, some asshole just made it up to get people to come to Vegas and spend money on cocaine and hookers.

 

Hawk

Yeah but that cocaine and those hookers will haunt you for the rest of your life. Just look around this airport.  Does anyone here look happy?

 

            Hound looks around, spots gaggle of Chinese tourists wearing matching “Caesar’s Palace” sweaters and neon orange plastic flags. They’re grinning toothily and looking around with wonderment.

 

Hound

Those guys.

 

Hawk

Which guys?

 

Hound

The, what do you call them. Asians.

 

Hawk

They just got here.  In fact, case and point.  Take a look at those Asians who’re just getting to Vegas.  Now look at every other depressing fucks who’re about to leave. 

 

Hound

Okay, I can sort of see your point.

 

Hawk

Good. Eat your panini.

 

Hound

It’s good.

 

Hawk

I know it’s good. I’m eating the same thing. They don’t serve anything else.

 

Hound

You know, you’d think that the Las Vegas airport would try a little harder.  Like put some fucking options.

 

Hawk

No, they’d never do that.  Look, there’re two kinds of people who go to Vegas: Families and old people. The families just want to get to Camelot or wherever as fast as possible because they’re kid’s ears haven’t popped yet and he’s screaming all over the place and they just want to get to the jousting spectacular ASAP so they can calm him down. And the old people just want to waste money. 

 

Hound

That is a gross generalization, Hawk.

 

Hawk

You’re mother’s a gross generalization.

 

Hound

That was awful.

 

Hawk

I know.  Anyways, what does the airport do to benefit off of these old pricks who can’t move and are out of friends to waste money on? Gives them exactly what they want, right there in the terminal.  That’s why they don’t even bother putting any of the other bullshit they put in most airports.

 

Hound

Bullshit? Define bullshit.

 

Hawk

Ok, let me think.  Okay, you know how you need to convince people of shit?

 

Hound

Sure

 

Hawk

And you use different strategies to convince them, right?

 

Hound

Well yeah.

 

Hawk

So bullshit is those strategies, but without the original shit you were trying to sell.

 

Hound

Okay.  That’s a good working definition.  Give me an example.

 

Hawk

Example? John Wayne fucking airport.  Bob Hope fucking airport. Glass fucking coke bottles.

 

Long Pause

 

 

Hawk

You see that guy over there?

 

Hound

Where?

 

Hawk

There.  In the cargo shorts and crewcut.

 

Hound

The guy wearing one of those stupid fucking support our troops shirts?

 

Hawk

Yeah, with the—what makes supporting our troops stupid, or fucking?

 

Hound

No, there’s nothing wrong with supporting our troops inherently.  I just don’t like this whole “Support Our Troops” bullshit. 

 

Hawk

Why?

 

Hound

It’s all based on money.  There’s no real symbolic patriotism involved there.  Some dickhead made it up to make money, just like the dickhead who invented Las Vegas.  Some guy needed to get a patent on that fucking thing so that no one else would use it.

 

Hawk

You’re an idiot.

 

Hound

Why’s that?

 

Hawk

Because you are an idiot. Only an idiot would say some stupid shit like that.

 

Hound

How is that stupid?

 

Hawk

The shirt is a symbolic gesture of support for our American soldiers overseas right now.  They are constantly, and I mean constantly, facing death and destruction, and you’re telling me that’s not important.

 

Hound

I mean, is it?

Hawk

What’re you doing?

 

Hound

What?

 

Hawk

Being a fucking idiot.  And how do you have the right, in this country, to be an idiot? G.I. fucking Joe.

 

Hound

Thanks to those dumb fucks over in Iraq and Afghanistan?  Look, I’m not being disrespectful, but I would still be an asshole if we hadn’t blown their shit up.

 

Hawk

Half of the power of the American military is just the potential that it’ll beat your ass.  That’s what’s keeping all these countries from walking right through your front yard and shooting you in the face.

 

Hound

So I’m supporting some asshole because of what he could do? Sounds retarded.

 

Hawk

These people are in a living hell right now.  You wouldn’t last a single day in that environment.

 

Hound

Well, I’m sorry, but that’s what they signed up for.  If they didn’t want to be comfortable, they shouldn’t have signed up for the military.

 

Hawk

Some of these kids don’t have another choice.  They grew up poor and blue collar, and the military is a best-paying job available.  Some of the best benefits, too.

 

Hound

Hey look, if there’s a soldier and he’s made some particular sacrifice, like he’s been shot or something, then I’ll give him all the kudos he wants, but automatically supporting all American troops by default is fucking ridiculous.  You know what the most dangerous job is in America? 

 

Hawk

No

 

Hound

Commercial fishing.  Do you see people wearing “Support our Commercial Fishermen T-Shirts?”

Hawk

No, but that’d sound stupid.

 

Hound

And you know what’s number two? Logging. Lumberjacks. And you won’t believe number three.  Aircraft pilots.

 

Hawk

Really?

 

Hound

Yeah

 

Hawk

Haha. Where’s my pin?

 

Hound

Heehee. That’s what I’m saying.  The military isn’t even on the top ten.  It’s something like 27^th.  Yet here we got society telling us that, no, these people are much more important than these ones.  It’s all fucked. 

 

Hawk’s phone rings.  “Love Potion Number 9” in monophonic cell phone tones.  He picks up.

 

Hawk

It’s Jim.  Hello?…Yeah?…Yeah we figured.  How long?…No shit…fuck, alright…Yeah.

 

He hangs up.

 

Hound

What’d he say?

 

Hawk

He said we’re delayed a few.

 

Hound

Fuck.

 

Hawk

I know.  I fucking hate this place.