by Nate Haile

 

          Staring at the cross on top of the church from across the street, Guss reminisces on those dreadful Sunday mornings. When he was a child his religious parents would always make him go to church on Sunday mornings. Waking up as early as 6am, arriving at 7:30, praising and worshipping till 11AM, eating lunch and heading over to Bible Studies made him want to die. He hated those days. He once thought of burning the church or accusing the priest of raping him. If only he had the guts to do so, then maybe he could have set himself free years ago. 

 

            Now he needs answers from the Almighty himself. I can’t believe I’m about to go inside. What am I thinking? He crosses the first half of the street and waits for the remaining cars to yield. Assuming the blue Honda will slow down for him he begins to walk. The blue Honda drifts slightly to the right.

            “Aah dumbass wana watch where you’re going?” an overweight woman barked.

            “Why don’t you watch what your eating you fat fuck.” He responded.

            Another driver to the right of her in a red ford rolled down his window and contributed to the dispute. “I could say the same to you jerk.” 

            Guss walks to the sidewalk. He faces the church. Simultaneously drawing a cross on his chest he apologizes to God for telling the fat lady the truth. 

 

            Opening the door he, begins to walk in the middle of the aisle. He realizes that nothing about the church has changed in the past four years of his absence. Same pictures of Jesus, same statues, and the same candles bought from the dollar store. He walks into the confession room and begins.

            “Father, I’ve come to confess.”

            No shit. “I see.”

            “I have sinned a great amount in the past four years, and now, well I think Karma is catching up father.”

            “What have you done son?”

            “Ha, I don’t even know where to begin, let’s see…”

            Aah shit this going to take a while. “Guss do you mind if I grab a cup of coffee real quick so that…”

            “What, of course I mind. I haven’t been to church in over four years and when I do come you are unwilling to give me your undivided attention.”

            Man what a dick. “Sorry Guss, please continue.”

            “Thank you. Now, where was I?

            “I believe you mentioned Karma.”

            “Ooh yeah.”

             Undivided attention my ass. 

            “You see I haven’t really earned my way to the university I’m attending now. I’ve cheated in a way. And now I’m taking classes that I’m not really ready for, plus I can’t cheat this time.”

            “You’ve put yourself in quite a mess; I already have a feeling that you won’t tell the University the truth.” 

            “Not a chance father. I’m to close to graduating. By the way I’ve borrowed thousands of dollars for school.”

            “Well than son, the only advice the lord can give you is to study. Study hard and diligently.”

            Is this guy serious?  

            “You do that and I promise you that you’ll feel more deserving for the success you’ll obtain and most importantly, you will have learned a valuable lesson.” 

            “Is that it? Is that the only advice you’re giving me. To study.”

            “What were you expecting?” 

            “You people are useless.” 

            “I beg your pardon.”

            “I come here for an easy way out and what I get is my worst case scenario.”       

            “What happened to you Guss? You use to be such a good kid. Remember when you came to church every Sunday when you were little. And that time when…”

            “Don’t remind me.”

            “Maybe if you start coming to church regularly you can find your way.”

            “Wow, look father. This hell hole took away 18 years of my life. I’ve served my sentence.”

            Jerk. “That’s fine. Is there anything else you have to confess about?” I’m sure you have a dozen confessions.

            “If the lord can’t help me help me cheat on a few tests which are some of my fewest concerns, how can he help me with my major problems?”

            Fuckin idiot. “The Lord is not suppose to solve your problems, he’s suppose to guide you into the right direction but it’s your choice to commit to that directions.”

            “Well he’s definitely leading me into the wrong direction. Can you ask him if he’s got a plan to get me out of the shit he’s dug me into?”  

            “Jesus Christ he’s hopeless. I was hoping this day wouldn’t come. Gus have you ever considered converting to a different religion?”

            “What. Are you serious? Are you seven allowed to say that?”

            “How about not having a religion? Sometimes it’s okay to fail Guss. The Lord will thank you.” As a matter of fact he’ll be delighted. “Just like you said You’ve served your sentence.” 

            “You know what, screw you. I knew coming here was a bad idea.”

            “And I knew baptizing you was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. If I go to hell it would be for that reason. Shit, you converting to a different religion is probably my only way back into heaven.” 

            “I can’t believe what you’re saying.”

            “Aah. I gotta go now. I have to be somewhere.”

            “What I’m not even done. Besides it’s a Saturday night. What could you, a 57 year old priest have to do on a Saturday night?”

            “Get laid.”

            “You gotta be shitting me. You’re a priest for Christ’s sake, not to mention you’re fat. I’m surprised you even know what getting laid is.”

            “I confess my sins three times a day. That’s what happen when you devote your life to the Lord. You get slacks like that.”

            “You’re full of shit you know that?”

 

            Priest Jonathan walks out the confession room and Guss follows.

            “Lost a lot of weight there father, you must really be putting that pipe to work.”

            “It’s called diet and walking. You should try it sometimes. After hearing your confession I am a bit surprised you gained weight.”

            “Why?”

            “Most college student gain weight because they don’t have time to exercise. Their too busy studying for exams. You on the other hand didn’t have to study. And you still gained what, 40 pounds or so?”    

            “You know? If I had my nine I wouldn’t hesitate to empty the clip into your head.”

            “It was good seeing you to Guss.” Hope you burn in hell you little bastered. “Okay, so I hope you really consider about not having a religion.”

            “Fuck you father.”

            “Ha ha, good. You’re already swearing in the Lord’s home. That shows you have no respect for him and no religion.”

            “I don’t need to take your shit anymore. I’m going to Mikki dees.” Guss begins to walk.

            “You know Guss, obesity is becoming epidemic.”

            Gus looks back. Boy I wish I had my nine right now. “Then stop becoming part of the problem asshole.”