As We Lay

            by Chazney McBride

 

As he got dressed I lit my cigarette. With every piece of clothing he
put on, I took a drag. The khaki pants, inhale; exhale. The black
collared shirt, inhale; exhale. The black shoes, inhale; exhale.

“Can you put that thing out?” he asked, tyeing his shoe. I rolled my
eyes.

“Kim!” he yelled. Clearly I'd agitated him.

“What, Lawrence?!”

“I asked you if you could put out that damn cancer stick! She'll kill
me if I come back reeking of smoke.”

“Well spray some Febreze as yo ass walks out!” I snapped. He knows
how I get when he mentions her. I then frustratingly stubbing my
cigarette into the ashtray and I looked around at the hotel room, which
had become all too familiar to me. The plush white carpet, the bar that
was stocked with the finest wines I had ever tasted, the 14-karat gold
jacuzzi tub in the bathroom, and the bed. The bed that started off all
nice and made up, with chocolates on the pillows and rose petals all
over it. The silk pillow cases that would assure my hair's stability in
the morning, and the cream silk sheets that always ended up wrapped
around my body, caressing my maple brown skin. The room was quite
immaculate, and nicer than most celebrity's houses, but it was starting
to bore me. I wanted more.

After Lawrence put on his jacket, he walked over to the the bar stool
where I was sitting. He kissed me on my cheek, then on my neck, and I
couldn't help but smile. (Start of flash back). See, Lawrence and I had
known each other since we were in high school, we were the best of
friends until about my junior year. That's when things became
complicated. We had ended up catching feelings for each other, and that
was the best thing that could have ever happened. We were together every
second, of every minute, and I was convinced that he was the one. But
with him being a senior and all, our love was put on pause. He graduated
and went off to college, while I still had one more year of high school
to complete. We kept in contact through out my senior year by talking on
the phone, and email. Lawrence even flew back home for my graduation. In
my eyes things couldn't get any better, I knew it was a matter of time
before we replenished our romance. And yet again; I was mistaken. I was
offered a full ride to Juliard School of Dance in New York City, and
although Lawrence was the love or my life, dance was my passion and I
would be a fool to let this opportunity slip by me. So I left, and this
time I was the one putting our love on pause. I didn't keep in contact
either, I was too busy with class, work, and keeping in shape for
dancing; I didn't have time for Lawrence anymore. I graduated from
Juliard in May of 2003, that was the happiest day of my life. As I
walked the stage to receive my diploma I looked in the crowd at my
family, my mother, my father, and my little sister. Then I looked
towards the entrance, and I couldn't believe my eyes. It was Lawrence! I
couldn't believe he flew all the way out to New York to see me graduate,
even after we lost contact. But my eager smile suddenly turned into a
frown as I saw him with his arm wrapped around some other woman. Who the
hell is she? I asked myself. She was a tall slender woman, about five
foot nine, with Hershey chocolate skin, and long jet black hair. That
shit probably aint even real, I thought. After all the graduates left
the building to see their families I saw my family. As soon as they saw
me they instantly pulled out their cameras, and of course I posed for
every single shot. Lawrence immediately came and embraced me with a hug,
and she followed slowly behind him.

“Lawrence I can't believe you came all the way out here! How did you
know about my graduation?” I asked excitedly.

“No thanks to you,” he joked.

“Moms told me, and you already know I couldn't miss my girls most
important day. Even though she didn't call a brotha the whole time she
was here.”

“I know,” I said apologetically.

“But I was so busy I couldn't really find the time. But you know I
still love you” I smiled.

He released me from his embrace and took about three steps back till he
was back beside that woman. I looked at them confused and scared, I
didn't know what was going on.

“Kim, I'd like you to meet someone.”

God please no, I said to myself. And he pulled her in front of him and
closer to me.

“This is Baraka. She's my fiance.”
(End of flash back)

Lawrence picked me up off the bar stool, carried me to the bed, and laid
me in it. He gently pulled the sheets from my naked body and put it over
me, along with some other covers. He tucked me in as he did every time
before he left, he kissed me gently on my forehead, then on my lips. At
this point I didn't want him to leave, but then again, I never did.

“I love you, my little ballerina” he whispered.

“I love you too” I responded, closing my eyes. With the close of the
door he was gone, and there I was, alone in the bed awaiting the
sunrise.

I awoke from a knock at the door.

“Room service” I heard a woman's voice say.

“Coming” I yelled. I grabbed my robe, and walked to open the door.
When the woman walked in the roomed filled the smell of my favorite
breakfast, French Toast, grits, eggs, bacon, and a mimosa.

“This is also for you” said the Hispanic woman, smiling and handing
me a card. From the smile on her face I could tell she decided to be
nosy and read my note. It was from Lawrence, it read:

“Dear My Ballerina,

You don't know how hard it was for me to leave you last night, I know
that may be hard for you to believe, but its true. In the next 24 hours
I'll be getting ready to go on a business trip to Chicago, and before I
leave I want to spend those hours with you. I know our situation, and
sometimes I know you get impatient, but I promise that soon it'll all be
over, and it'll just be me and you. Please be patient with me a little
while longer Kim, when it's over all we'll do is dance in love and
passion. So sit back, relax, and enclosed in an envelope is my card,
treat yourself to something nice.

Love Always,

Lawrence” My heart fluttered. I just always knew that even though
Lawrence was married, his heart was with me; not Baraka. What am I gonna
wear? I thought to myself. Hmmmm....well I figured that I would be
spending a romantic night with my man, so I might as well take a trip to
Victoria's Secret. I got up and slipped on some clothes. As I was
looking in the mirror I could just imagine Lawrence and I in our dream
home, him watching me as I got dressed. Then my fantasy was interrupted
as I my stomach started to rumble, and I found myself bent over the
toilet throwing up my French toast.

“I couldn't be,” I whispered. Then I ran to the phone and called my
best friend Nicole.

Ring...ring...”Hello Nicole speaking,”

“Nikki it's me”

“Oh hey girl!” she screamed excitedly.

“Hey...ummm...i have a problem on my hands, and I need somebody to
talk to” I said very faintly.

“What's wrong? Did Lawrence wife call yo phone or something?! Cause
you know I'll be up there quicker than a New York minute.” I laughed.

“No it's nothing like dat. Nikki I think I'm pregnant...again”

“Are you serious?” she asked. I knew she was disappointed with me.

“Damn Kim! You know that you are so smart, yet so damn stupid. How
could you let this happen?”

“I don't know...it just did,” I started to cry. “Nikki what am I
gonna tell Lawrence? His leaving for Chicago the day after tomorrow.”

“Well you don't have any other choice Kim, you should have been
protecting yo self! I mean it's bad enough he's married, he got a whole
wife at home Kim! An now you pregnant for the second time?”

“I understand that Nikki! But you know what I didn't call you so that
you could judge me! And I know Lawrence is married, but I love him!” I
started bawling, because I knew she was just trying to knock some sense
into me, but this just wasn't the time to do it.

“Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I just don't want you to have to go through
that situation a second time, you cried for months after the abortion.
Plus your going on tour to dance for Janet Jackson, man...it's just not
the time for you to be getting pregnant, thats all.

“I know, I know. So what should I do?” I asked sucking up my tears.

“Tell em'. That's all you can do.”

“Okay...I'll tell em. But not tonight, I can't.”

“Kim!”....click. I hung up on Nicole before she could say any thing
else. Looks like my my shopping trip was canceled.

As I was driving down some random street, I stopped at a Walgreen's, I
had to know the truth. I walked down aisle 10 at as slow pace, as if
walking towards death. I looked at all that different color boxes. I
decided to pick up the red box that read: First Assurance “Know if
your pregnant before your first missed period”. I brought the box up
to the register. The young cashier rang it up, and as she put it into
the plastic bag she gave me a look of disgust and shame.

“You act like you and never been through this! You look like you
already got about 3 kids!” she fixed her facial expression and I
stormed out.

I got back to the hotel and immediately went to the bathroom. There was
no need for me to read the directions, I just wanted to get this over
with and find out the truth. One minute went by, then two, then three.
Please don't let it be blue, I kept telling myself, but of course the
results are never what I want them to be, so I just curled up in the
bathroom and cried. It was eight o' clock when I came out of the
bathroom evidently, I'd cried my self to sleep on the bathroom's marble
floor, then the phone rang.

Ring...ring...ring...”Hello” I answered sounding down and out.

“Hey babe” it was Lawrence.

“Hey”

“Whats wrong?” he asked.

“Nothing,” I lied. “I just woke up thats all”

“Oh well are you excited about tonight?” he asked with so much
excitement in his voice.

“Of course I am.”

“Well you don't sound too excited”

“I told you Lawrence I just woke up!” I snapped.

“Okay, okay. NO need for an attitude sweet heart, gosh, you must be on
your period or something” he assumed.

“I wish” I whispered.

“Well just sit back and relax. I ordered your favorite and it should
be there a little after I arrive.”

“Okay”

“Bye baby” I hung up the phone. How was I gonna tell Lawrence that I
was pregnant...again? I just couldn't.

Knock...knock...knock. I got up to answer the door, it was Lawrence. He
was standing there with some flowers, my heart smiled. No one said
anything as he walked in, I just watched him. He set the flowers on the
table and turned to face me, then he motioned for me to come towards
him, and I did. He gave me a hug, and his cologne greeted me as I
settled into his arms, then he looked into my eyes and I knew that he
could that there was something I wasn't telling him.

“What's wrong Kim, just tell me”

“I'm pregnant” I said with tears swelling up in my eyes. Then he let
go of me and started to take a steps back while rubbing his head in
confusion.

“No...not again. This can't be happening. What are we gonna do Kim?”
he asked in a panic.

“I don't know. I didn't mean for this to happen Lawrence,” I started
to cry. “But I can't go through the process of having an abortion
again, I just can't. And I know that you that you've been trying, and
I've been very patient about you getting a divorce but your just gonna
have to speed up the process.”

“I'm trying Kim! But it's not that simple, these things take time!”

“We don't have time! Because I'm gonna have this baby Lawrence,
whether you want me to or not!”

“What am I suppose to do about Baraka?”

“Tell her that it's over, that you're leaving her” I said with
sincerity. My tears started to dry up, Lawrence sat on the bed
scratching his head contemplating.

“So you really want this baby?” he asked looking me in my eyes.

“More than anything”

“Lets do it then” he said with a half smile on his face. I couldn't
believe it, Lawrence and I were finally going to be a family, a real
family. I walked over to the bed were he was and sat on his lap. I
kissed him on his forehead as an assurance that everything was going to
be okay, that we were going to be okay.

The next morning I woke up to breakfast in bed, and again it was my
favorite. I could see that it was going to be a beautiful day, just me
and my man.

“So do you know how many month you are?”

“No” I started, while stuffing my face full of French toast. “I
just found out yesterday Lawrence.”

“Well I took it upon myself to call Dr. Philuponya an schedule you an
appointment, because I want to know whats going on with the baby before
I leave tonight.”

“TONIGHT! I thought you were leaving tomorrow morning?”

“My job just called me this morning and told me that they didn't
expect the client to come in so until tomorrow afternoon, but his coming
in the morning. So therefore I have to leave tonight to be able to close
the deal tomorrow” this wasn't good news to me at all, but there was
nothing I could do about it.

“So whens the appointment?” I asked.

“At 4, so you better start getting ready now, because it's almost 2,
plus I have a surprise for you before we go to the doctor”

“Okay” I said smiling. As I walked into the bathroom I could see
that Lawrence had made a trail of rose petals leading to the bathtub. I
almost started to cry, but I had done enough crying so I just smiled. I
had been in the tub no longer than an hour when Lawrence came in with a
towel to retrieve me from the bathtub. I stepped out the tub and let him
wrap me up, then he picked me up and carried me to the bed were had my
clothes laying out on the bed for me.

“Why are you doing all this Lawrence? Your never this romantic” I
said.

“Well you made me think after you told me that you couldn't go through
another abortion, and I just felt so bad, because I can't even imagine
that type of hurt. And I'm sorry Kim, I really am”

“It's okay Lawrence, I mean neither one of us was ready to have a
kid”

“But still I didn't have the right to make that decision, and take
life from you. So this time I'm gonna make it right, we're gonna have
this baby, I'm gonna divorce Baraka, and we're gonna be a family.”

For the first time in 7 years, I was sure that Lawrence was going to
leave his wife and be with me. There was going to be no more of playing
the guessing game, no more arguing every time he mentioned her name, and
most importantly no more hotels. We were finally going to have a place
to call home. It was 3:30pm, and it was time for us to be on our way to
the doctor.

“You got everything babe?” Lawrence yelled from the bathroom.

“Yea” I responded, double checking that I actually did have
everything. When I opened the door to leave the room, there she was
standing in front of me...BANG! I stumbled back into the room, falling
on to the floor. Everything was in slow motion now. Lawrence ran out the
bathroom at the sound of the gun shot.

“NO!” he screamed. “BARAKA WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?”

“So this is her Lawrence? So this is her!” she yelled as tears
started to run down her cheeks.

“Kim! Kim, hang on I'm gonna get you outta here” his voice was
shaky. I could hear his voice fading in and out, and I lifted my hand to
see that it was covered in blood. Then I looked down at my stomach to
see that it was gushing out blood, and I could think was my baby, my
baby. I started to cry. Lawrence ran to my side. Then there was another
bang, and soon Lawrence was laying on the ground right next to me. He
was looking at me and I could do nothing but cry. His eyes were so cold
as tears came from them and blood flowed out his mouth as his tried to
tell me that he loved me, then there it was again BANG! A shot to the
head. His blood splattered on my face, I let out the most mournful cry
I'd ever let out before.

“WHY!!!!”

Why you ask? I gave this nigga 10 years of my life! And what do I get in
return?! HUH! He cheats on me!” she started bawling hysterically. “I
did everything I could do to make him happy, the only thing I couldn't
was have children, because I contracted PID when I was a teenager. I
thought he understood. I thought we would adopt and still be able to be
a family, but obviously I was mistaken.” My vision was starting to
become blurry, and it was hard to breath. All I could hear was Baraka's
hills against the ground as she was pacing back and forth, then I heard
police sirens outside the hotel.

“Oh shit” she cried. Then she ran into the bathroom, then heard it
for the last time...BANG! With the little ounce of strength I had, I
pulled my wounded body closer to Lawrence, and rested my head on his
cold lifeless chest. Who would of thought we'd end up like this? I
thought to myself. As my lengths of breath got shorter and shorter I
thought about a song that always reminded me of Lawrence, it was “As
We Lay” by Kelly Price. The song was about these two people having an
affair and how they dreaded the raising of the song, because then they'd
have to leave each other and go back to their families, but of course no
one got shot at the end of the song. So with the last gasps of air left
in my lungs I sang to the love of my life.

“As we lay”

The End

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