by Alex Nichols

 

“Andy will be here any minute sweetheart!”

His name is Andy Neilson. He’s my older brother of course, who talks to mother just about every day. She doesn’t trust him living all on his own so she invited him up for a visit. I don’t know why she has these thoughts. Maybe it’s because he was just fired from Mammoth Erections. Maybe it was because he was the first son to move away, maybe not. She didn’t agree with him working there, nor did most of the family. You can imagine having thoughts of your son advertising how to ‘pump the volume’. It didn’t settle well with her. I still live with Mum though. She thinks Andy should try and find another wife to settle down with. She also thinks I should try and get Andy to move back to Ontario. She’s fairly bossy I find.

 

Andy said he’d drive himself up the coast from Maine for the winter. I told him it would be faster and cheaper to fly into Ontario, but he figured he’d drive up to test out his new Ford pickup. Mum’s really been trying to comfort him ever since Ruth from Wapakoneta Ohio left him back in September so this will be his first visit since she left. Ruth claimed to have invented the Italian Bugle and hopscotch. She was quite the character, really into pelicans. A little odd at times, although very attentive. Apparently they were both at some kind of work party for Mammoth Erections, Andy was looking up at some vomit on the ceiling, and she just walked right up to him and grabbed him in the crotch, so the story goes. And that’s how they met.

Andy promised he’d take me on some outdoor adventures like we use to do back when he lived with us. He likes to think he’s experienced in the outdoors just because he was born and raised here, but I imagine he forgot quite a bit since he went off to university. He never hesitates to rub in how well “educated” he is, however I don’t find him particularly smart, but then again nor do most of us back home. You can’t take him very seriously either. I mean, how seriously can you take a guy who worked for ‘Mammoth Erections’. I’m never really sure if mother actually enjoys his visits or just pretends to.

Mum had stationed herself outside to greet Andy. She sat on the porch and sipped her English tea. I peered out my window and watched her jump out of her seat as Andy pulled up in his brand new bright yellow Ford pickup.

“WHEW isn’t that a beauty?”

“Look at that monstrous thing!” mother said as she carefully examined his truck.

“She’s like a beautiful giant tractor, or as I like to call her, Pissy Baby!” Andy circled his truck, eyeing the beauty like he was ready to pounce on it. I made my way outside to say hello.

“…you know what I told my friends when I bought this Ma?”

“No Andy what did you tell…”

“Eat shit! Go home, and eat a big bag a’ shit!” Mother and I stood there, eyes wide open as Andy went on a rant about how marvelous his new truck was. He had lost his marbles a little ever since Ruth left him. Mother was skeptical as to whether or not he had ‘Energy Overflow’, which is just a surge of energy that doesn’t go away. It’s a real disease if that’s what you’re wondering. We tried to ignore it.

 

“Man its cold! Gee, I’d really like to get some fishing done while I’m up here,” he continued.

“Sweetheart, you ought to take your Mark out fishing with you tomorrow,” said mother, hoping he hadn’t already made other plans.

“You think so? I’m not sure what I have planned tomorrow.”

“Well there you have it, we’ll go fishing then Andy?” I asked hesitantly.

“Oh pecker! I’m suppose to meet the boys out at the Albatross at some point tomorrow, it’s Willie Gary’s birthday I haven’t seem him in ages. I was actually going to hunt some duck for him.”

“Hunting?” Mother’s eyebrows rose.

“Hunting,” replied Andy.

“Wow that sounds exciting. You know I’ve never been hunting. I’m not so sure that it’s really my forte but I’d sure like to learn a thing or two.”

“I’m actually not bad, I’ll show you the ropes as they say,” said Andy, handing me his coat as he walked past me towards the house.

“What’s the Albatross,” I hollered from behind as I picked up his bags.

“A bar downtown I use to go to.”

“That’s a funny name, Albatross….Well hey I’ll just stick with ya wherever you go? I haven’t been hunting in these neck of the woods cause Mum won’t let me go alone.”

“Not until you’re sixteen,” answered Mum, rushing over to Andy to greet him. She led him into the house and showed him to his room. I followed close behind with Andy’s luggage. Andy had his arm around Mum and was telling her a story as I pondered about our adventure tomorrow. I was thoroughly excited for our duck hunting expedition.

After about an hour or so, the three of us gathered round’ the dinner table for supper.

“Dinners great by the way mum, top notch,” Andy smiled, looking up at Mum.

“Your brother made most of it,” Mum said, looking at me.

“Well how’s about that? It’s not bad Mark.”

“Thanks,” I answered back quietly.

“What did you do with the chicken?”

“Its pork,” said Mum.

“Pork, what did you do to the pork Mark?”

“It’s a little mélange (as they say in French) of various sauces but I like to call it Horsey sauce.”

Andy froze as he dropped his fork onto his plate.

“I’m allergic.”

“Oh, well I didn’t know.”

“Cripes! This is worse than bears in a hospital! You knew perfectly well I was allergic. Ever since we were kids and you tried to make me lunch: Eggs and mustard with Horsey sauce. Lucky for me I was headed to grandma’s that night for dinner where I spent the rest of the night, defecating.

“Oh that’s right that was the day we found out your allergic reaction Horsey sauce.

“Vicious diarrhea.”

“What did they call you in high school? Horsey shit?”

“Go fly a kite Andy!”

“I will knock your block off!”

“That’s enough both of you,” Mum slammed her hands down on the cedar table.

“Luckily it won’t kick it for a good hour or two,” Andy said as he adjusted his seat.

 “Gee mother, you ever tell that story to the neighbors,” I chuckled.

“Now why would I do that Mark?”

We let that topic cool off for a bit as we all continued eating our Horsey covered pork.

“My goodness…Did you break wind there Mark?”

“What’s that Andy?”

“Did you break wind?”

“No, it’s Bess”

“Oh where’s Bessy?”

“Under the table.”

“There you are old fart! Hollygoose she’s still alive is she?”

“You ought to take her with you tomorrow boys,” said Mum as she handed Bess a piece of fat from the pork.

“Yah I don’t know about that Mum, she causes more trouble than Andy,” I smirked at Andy which he returned with a glare before resuming his meal.

“Hey does that Betty girl still live across the street, the one who always played that small Japanese flute, the…”

“Shakuhachi,” I said.

“That’s the girl who was always listening to Barbara Streisand all hours of the night,” said Mum excitedly.

“Right…So what are you working on now these days Andy?’
“Well I’m working on a thing I like to call sprayable cheese actually.”

“You mean like out of an aerosol can?”

“Well that’s the general idea.”

“Nifty…”I answered slowly.

Mother got up from the table and kissed us both on the forehead.

“Well then, on that note I’m going to bed. Goodnight boys.”

 “Goodnight Petra.”

“Anyhow, So Mark, tomorrow… I figured I’d drive us out tomorrow morning to the lake where we could do that duck hunting.”

“You don’t mind the haul out there in your new fancy truck? It’s a little bit of a rough road.”

“No No, That’s what Pissy Baby is meant to do. We’ll take her.

―――

I arrived at Lake Edwards at three o’clock. Mark was already there. He had driven his truck halfway to the middle of the lake, and this was no small lake. He had his hood popped open and was sorting out his hunting equipment. I peered back up the hill where Mum’s house was. She had let Bess out the back door and I watched as Bess ran down the hill toward the lake.

“Dammit she sent the dog out,” Andy said while squinting up the hill.

“Yeah, she’s been training her how to fetch this red stick lately.”

“We’ll what’s her reasoning for that? A little peculiar isn’t it?”

“Mmhm I don’t see the purpose, that dog is hopeless. Anyhow, here’s the plan. If were going to hunt the duck properly we need to blow a hole in the ice so the ducks can land, then we can pick em off.”

“Hm, I’m not familiar with these tactics but if you say so.”

Andy reached into his back pocket and grabbed a stick of dynamite.”

“Here goes, Mark!”

Andy lit the dynamite, ran forward, and threw it as far away from us as he could.

Its red flashes sizzled through the air.

“It’s Red?”

“More of a burgundy I’d say.”

“Well either way don’t you think the dog might…”

Bess had darted full speed toward the stick of dynamite as Andy I froze in position. Bess approached the dynamite and slowly lowered her mouth to scoop it up. Andy and I looked at each other in disbelief.

“This is quite a predicament we’re in,” said Andy, eyes fixed on Bess. He walked over to the back of the truck and grabbed his shotgun.

“Shit what do we do now?”

“That’s not Bess, it’s a wolf. Bess doesn’t even know how to fetch.”

“Hey I think you’re right, I can’t tell from this distance but I don’t think that’s her.”

“Hell with it I’ll just shoot her.”

The wolf’s happy eyes peered back our way, dynamite still sizzling away in its mouth.

“You’re going to shoot it?”

“That’s right!”

“Let’s just run Andy”

“Oh no, that’s a damn wolf, mother will be proud!”

“Well then where did Bess go? Andy C’mon lets just run it’s gettin’ close!”

The wolf was bolting full throttle back towards the truck. Andy fired at the wolf. Confused, he continued to limp back towards the truck. Andy fired again seeing that the wolf was determined to bring back the dynamite. He managed to crawl right over to the truck where he dropped the stick. By this time I had hustled my way over the where the road was. I looked back over my shoulder and observed Andy as he mumbled out some profanities in the distance. Andy dropped his rifle and dove towards me. A huge explosion blasted up through the brand new yellow pickup and cracked the ice which echoed through the sky.

“Holy jumpins’…”

By this time, Mother had made her way down to the lake due to all the commotion. She was riding her tractor at speeds you don’t normally see tractors go. Mum hopped off the tractor and headed towards me. I ran up to meet her as fast as I could.

            “Boys I need you’re help, there’s this wolf running around up by the house. I just floored it down here on the tractor. He chased Bess down the hill towards you fellas and then came back up to the house. I couldn’t stick around cause’ I was worried sick about her. You haven’t seen her come this way have you?”