by Talia Pauwels-Lloyd

 

12:15 am

Calling Andrew.

“Hello?”

“Hey, its me.”

“Me? Who is me?”

Andrew can be such an idiot.

“Me! Mark!” I yell into the phone.

“Ohh… hey, what’s up?”

“I broke up with Maya,” I blurt.

“Why?”

“She was too clingy and I don’t know, she just got annoying. You know her… you know what I mean right?”

“Sure…” Andrew mutters.

“Sure?”

“I mean, that always happens… you like them and then you get sick of them”

God he’s annoying… always defending girls.

“What do you mean that’s what always happens?”

“Well, there was Jamie, and then Erica, and then Allison… and now Maya.”

“I got it, I got it.”

“You’re just very picky,” Andrew states bluntly.

“I am not picky, Bro!”

I slammed down the phone. Andrew is never very comforting. I don’t think I can talk to him about chicks again.

 

12:20 am

Calling Andrew again.

“Yeah?”

“Am I really that picky?”

“Yes”

“Fuck!”

I hung up. I really need to get some sleep.

 

1:05 am

Text message. Awake again. Thank you Andrew.

            “Blind date 4 u bro. Call me 2morrow”

He interrupted my hot tub party with Jessica Alba for that?

 

1:10 am

I hate blind dates.

She better be hot.

Back to the Jessica Alba.

 

10: 15 am

Bam! Bam! Bam!

Three loud thuds at my window rip me away from my ethereal sleep mode. Maybe the sky is falling all around me. Nope. I’ve turned over to find an over eager, over grown, six foot two child attempting to climb through my window. What a way to wake up.

            “Get the hell out of bed, you Wanker!” Andrew yells just before colliding onto my floor.

            “One, get the hell off of my floor. Two, you’re not British… you can’t pull that off,” I sit up and glare at him.

            “That’s no way to treat the man who scored you a hot date!” Andrew says shaking off his fall.

            “Is she actually hot?”

            “She’s a total babe. Like a straight ten on the babe scale.”

            “Who is she?”

            “Girl in my AP physics class… Name’s Penelope Moore.”

 

10:16

My mouth has hit the floor. Penelope is no Babe. She is an Ogre. The type of girl you get to do your homework not get to go out with you.

            “NO way.”

            “Yeah bro. Tonight at eight o’ clock. She’s doing my entire physics post-lab for me so you kinda have to. I can’t cancel it. Any way just came by to tell you, better start ^{getting ready,” Andrew says as he makes his usual exit through my window.}

                ^{“Andrew, remind me why we’re friends?”}

^{Andrew shrugs with that shit eating grin he gets and within seconds I can hear his giant feet crunching on the leaves below.}

                ^{“You really are an asshole...” I call out after him but he pretends not to hear.}

 

^11:02

                ^{I finally have the motivation to get out of bed...}

^{Today is going to suck. I’m just way too nice of a guy to stand someone up. But man is she an unfortunate looking girl...}

 

^11:08

                ^{There has to be a way around it. How will I say no to the second date? I can’t date her, but I also can’t crush her heart.}

 

^12:00

                ^{Got it! I can botch the date! I’ll act so rude and slobbish that she’ll be disgusted by me and she’ll never want to go on a second one! I’m a genius!}

 

^{7:45 pm}

                ^{I wonder how late I can be before she bails? Fifteen minutes maybe? that will start off the date on the right foot... Any later would just be out of line.}

 

^8:15

                ^{I slowly pull up to Penelope’s driveway.}

^{*HONK, HONK, HOOONK*}

 ^{I don’t bother getting out of the car, instead I lay on the horn until she appears at her front porch. She stands there with a bewildered expression spread across her pasty, freckled cheeks. Looking down at my own scruffy jeans and wrinkled button up, I can tell that she’s put way more effort into her outfit than I did. Despite the fact that I normally spend about twenty minutes styling my buzz cut and another thirty picking an outfit, tonight I didn’t even take a shower. My hair is slightly pouffier than I would have liked normally but I guess that’s a sacrifice. Hopefully she’ll see my appearance and be more understanding than pissed when I foot her with the bill at the end.}

 

^8:18

                ^{Penelope finally gets into my car.}

                ^{“I’m Mark,” I say absently barely making eye contact. I speed off before she even gets the chance to buckle her seat belt.}

                ^{“I-I-I’m Penelope...” she lurches forward as I jerk around the corner.}

 

^8:25

                ^{I can smell a faint hint of cat food masked by her jasmine perfume.}

                ^{“So where are we going?” she asks once she’s settled into her seat. The color has returned to her cheeks. They’re still pasty...}

                ^{“This small dinner place,” I say shortly as I begin pushing eighty. Penelope grasps the arm rest, her knuckles turning white as the car thrusts around another turn.}

                ^{“Oh,” she says quietly.}

 ^{I think my plan is working!}

 

^8:30

                ^{We pull up to the restaurant. It is very small indeed, and in the middle of nowhere so no one can run into us. I park directly in front and hop out. Penelope is waiting. I pretend not to notice that she expects me to open the door for her and continue walking toward the entrance.}

 

^8:32

                ^{Penelope has obviously gotten the hint because she’s hopped out after me, speed walking to catch up. I smell that same whiff of cat food and I know she’s caught up to me.}

 

^8:35

                ^Score.

                ^{We’re seated in the very back, right next to the restrooms. Within seconds the waiter comes around. I order the garlic-spinach ravioli with mushrooms and extra garlic, garlic bread, french onion soup and an Ahi tuna appetizer. Penelope orders a salad.}

 

^8:45

                ^{I’ve run out of rude things to talk about already. I went over various farting and burping techniques me and andrew used freshman year, sound effects included. I even talked about my chronic athletes foot and ingrown toenails. I was tempted to give her a peek, but I was too lazy to  take off my shoes. I guess I’m just too nice for this kind of plan.}

 

^8:55

                ^{The food sure came fast, especially for my large order. I begin shoveling double fork fulls into my mouth, talking between bites.}

                ^{“Mmf! gish food ish great! I jush love gish garlic bread, do jou vant shome?” I ask, spraying food residue across the table.}

^{Penelope tries her hardest not to gag.}

                ^{“Um, that's okay... but you have something in your teeth,” she says, pointing at her own tooth to demonstrate where I need to aim.}

                ^{“Oh, thanks,” I smile, picking at the strategically placed spinach dangling from between my two front teeth.}

^9:05

                ^{Another ten minutes of belching and crude conversation has passed by. I’ve finally decided to look Penelope in the eyes rather than blatantly at her boobs. I should have kept my eyes down; Penelope looks miserable.}

^{Why do I have to have morals?!}

^{I need to leave, it can’t get any worse than this.}

 

^9:06

                ^{“Will you excuse me for a second?” I say pushing my chair out.}

                ^{Penelope nods and looks back down at her plate.}

                ^{I close the bathroom door behind me, yanking the handle to ensure that it’s locked. How the hell do I get out of here with out her noticing? I can’t go back out and tell her I’m leaving. Maybe I can pull that chick thing, like call andrew and have him come tell me there is an emergency... but that would be too obvious...}

^{No one falls for that one.}

                ^{Think, Mark! Think!}

               

^9:08

                ^{I got it!}

^{This is something only Andrew would understand.}

                ^{I hop onto the toilet seat, only I forgot that the seat was still up so I just slipped on to the floor. Fortunately, I’m alone; unfortunately I think I just put my hand in pee...}

 

^9:10

                ^{Attempt number two.}

                ^{I made it onto the toilet seat and now up onto the tank. It’s an awkward jump to the window sill but I’ve figured out how to make it with out hitting my head on the ceiling.}

 

^9:12

                ^{As I squish half of my body through the bathroom window I can’t help but picture Penelope alone at the table.}

                 ^{She really isn’t that bad.}

                ^{If she can withstand this date so far she must be a cool girl}

                ^{Yeah she’s pasty, but now that I actually think about it she’s a pretty decent looking girl... Her hair is definitely a mousey brown but its curly and cute, and her bod is killer. Not to mention that her jasmine perfume has begun to grow on me.... And sadly enough I noticed that the cat food smell is lingering, meaning its my breath- not her.}

                ^{I need to go back out there and salvage what’s left.}

 

^9:13

                ^{How the fuck does Andrew get in and out of these windows?}

 

^9:14

                ^Sweet!

                ^{She’s still here!}

                ^{Ooh she doesn’t look too happy... then again I was gone almost ten minutes.}

                ^{“Sorry, I took so long,” I smile.}

                ^{“That’s okay...”}

                ^{Why is she so polite?? I have to give her an explanation, she deserves it.}

                ^{“No, it’s not...” I begin talking at warp speed, “I’m really sorry I’ve been such a douche bag. I’m not usually like this. I just didn’t want to be set up and I figured instead of canceling I could just botch the date... so I did all these rude and vulgar things and then I even tried to jump out the window like Andrew would have done but you seem like a nice girl and I feel awful and I would really like to make it up to you. You know if you still want to... because if not that's cool, but if you do then that's just way cool and yeah... uhhh yeah... that's all.”}

                ^{Whoa ramble! Catch your breath, Mark.}

                ^{I watch her, waiting for a response. Then notice her staring expectantly at her phone which is now lying on the table.}

                ^{“Um, wow I don’t know what to say...” She says absently, her eyes searching the restaurant desperately.}

 

^9:17

                ^{I’m still waiting for an answer that entails more than “I don’t know what to say” when a short redhead storms through the doors hastily and heads for our table.}

^{Penelope shoots up before the girl even reaches our table.}

                ^{“Hi! What are you doing here, Melanie? Is there an emergency?” Penelope says loudly.}

                ^{“Yeah, there’s an emergency.” The redheaded Melanie responds.}

                ^{“What kind of an emergency? Penelope, I can drive you home if you need a ride,” I offer.}

                ^{“There’s an emergency at the erm, the uh, your house, Penelope. Your dad he um, he cut his fingers off...”}

                ^{“Oh my god! I have to go, Mark,” Penelope says grabbing her stuff.}

                ^{“Well can I at least take you home?”}

                ^{“I’ll take her, don’t worry about it,” Melanie says jangling her keys.}

                ^{“What about a second date? You know, at a more convenient time possibly?”}

                ^{“I don’t know, we’ll see. I’ll call you later. Bye!”}

                ^{With that the two girls run out and I am here by myself, recapping the date in my head.}

 

^9:18

 

                ^Fuck!

                ^{I totally fell for that!}

                ^{She did the chick thing!}

                ^{Emergency my ass!}

                ^{How did I not see how rehearsed that was?}

                ^{Shit, I didn’t bring my wallet...}

 

^9:20

                ^{Calling Andrew.}

                ^“Hello?”

                ^{“Its Mark. Come to little tokyo... I forgot my wallet.”}

                ^{“What? Have Penelope cover the bill and pay her back...”}

                ^{“She left.”}

                ^“What?”

                ^{“I don’t want to talk about it.”}

                ^{“Hahahahaha! I’m comin’ but she did the chick thing didn’t she?” Andrew laughs.}

                ^{I will never live this down.}

 

^9:25

                ^Ouch.