Denial

            by Rhodesa Salisi

 

            “Melissa, I think we should break up.” The minute the words came out of his mouth, he flinched inwardly, waiting for her reaction. It took her about a minute to overcome her shock before she burst into tears.

            “Why, Kevin? We’ve only been together for three weeks!”   

            Kevin took her hands in his, and said, “Don’t cry. I’m flattered that you like me, but I just don’t feel the same way about you. It’s not you, it’s me. You’re a great girl, and you deserve to find someone who likes you as much as you like them.” When she began to cry even more, he pulled her into a hug, and waited until she calmed down. Mentally, he was slapping himself. Geez dude! Your explanation sounded like a total cliché! When her sobbing faded to hiccups, he released her from his embrace, looked at her and asked, “You okay now?”

            She wiped her eyes and blew into a tissue she got from her pocket. “Yea, I feel a little better.” She let out a self-deprecating laugh. “I must look like a mess.  I should go home.” 

            Kevin stood up and held out a helping hand. “Here, I’ll walk you home.”

            She took his hand, but refused his offer. “I’d like to be alone. I need time to sort things out.” Kevin watched Melissa walk away for a minute before heading toward his house.

            The gray clouds, windy day, and falling dead leaves matched Kevin’s mood. He arrived home only to find the house empty, further depressing him. He kicked off his shoes by the door and walked to the kitchen to grab a snack, only to find a note from his parents stuck to the fridge. He read the note while heading towards his room upstairs to take a shower

            Dear Kevin,

Your dad and I are attending his annual party at his company. We won’t be back until late. There’s food in the fridge if you’re hungry. Don’t stay up too late, you have school tomorrow.

                                                                                    Mom

            After his shower, wearing only shorts, Kevin went to the sink to brush his teeth. When he finished, he braced his arms on the edge of the sink and took a good look at his reflection in the mirror. His eyes were greeted by the sight of brown wavy hair, tanned skin, green eyes, a square jaw, thick brows, a straight nose, and high cheekbones. His gaze traveled lower, past broad shoulders, a well-defined chest, and a firm, flat stomach before coming to the end of the mirror. Not too bad looking. I’ve got basically every 17 year old guy’s dream life – looks, grades, and popularity. So what’s the matter with me? I could have my pick of any girl, and I just dumped a perfectly good one! Why can’t I find the right girl?!  Unable to answer his question, Kevin made his way to his bed and flopped down on it. He closed his eyes and eventually drifted off to sleep.

                                    *                                  *                                  *                                             

            The next morning, Kevin parked his car in the school parking lot, grabbed his backpack out of the back seat, locked the doors, and turned around to find himself face-to-face with his closest friend, Damien. “Yo D, what’s up?”

            “Nothing much Kev. You? I’m surprised I don’t see Melissa waiting around here somewhere for you.” He made a big show of looking around for her which made Kevin laugh and playfully punch him.

            “Cut it out dude!” Kevin sobered up and said very seriously, “I dumped her yesterday.”

            Damien stared at Kevin in total shock, “You…dumped her. Melissa, one of the hottest chicks in school?!” He shook his head. “Dude, this is Melissa we’re talking about!”  He threw his hands up into the air. “I don’t get you. It’s not just Melissa, it’s other girls too. All the relationships you’ve had have never lasted beyond three months. Is that some personal limit or something?”

            “Nah, it’s not like that dude. It’s just…man, I don’t know. It’s hard to explain.” He looked over at Damien only to find a blank look on his face. Kevin suddenly felt defensive. “There’s nothing wrong with not keeping a relationship.  It’s not like I’m the only guy who can’t stay in one.”

Damien was silent for a moment, then replied, “Yeah, that’s true. Sorry for ragging on you man. I just couldn’t believe it, Melissa of all people.” He sighed, then a grin began to spread over his face, “I can’t wait to see who finally hooks you! That’ll be the day, Kev, sprung!” They both laughed and headed toward the school entrance.

                                    *                                  *                                  *                                 

            Kevin suffered through his first three periods and was the first one out of his classroom when the lunch bell rang. Heading toward the water fountain in the courtyard of the school entrance to meet with his friends, he hurried past section after section of red lockers, his footsteps echoing in the nearly empty gray-tiled hallway.

            By the time he reached the fountain, Damien was already there waiting for him. Before Kevin could get out a word, someone called out, “Hey Kev, hey Damien!” Kevin turned around and saw it was his friend Robbie. “I knew I’d find you guys together. Everyone knows you’re inseparable. Got something important to tell you guys.”

            As they all plopped down onto the grass, Damien turned to Robbie. “Hey man, what’s up? Heard ya been trying to get with Lisa Stenton.”

            Robbie grinned sheepishly. “Yeah. Having a little trouble trying to get her to go out with me since she’s been crushing on this worthless guy over here,” he gave Kevin a mock glare. “What do chicks see in him anyways?” he lamented. “I’m more of a man than he is!”

            Kevin turned his head away in order to hide the fact that his face had become a pleasant shade of red. “You can have her, she’s not my type anyways.”

            Although Kevin had muttered his reply, Robbie managed to hear it and said half-jokingly, “Then what is your type of girl? I’ll try to find someone for you so Lisa will give up.”

            Kevin took the question seriously. What was his type? Seeing that Kevin was having trouble trying to answer Robbie’s question, Damien came to his rescue and said laughingly, “Rob, lay off Kev already, you’re embarrassing him.”

            Robbie let out a dramatic sigh of resignation. “Yea, yea, yea, I’ll stop. So before I forget, party at my house Saturday night. My parents are leaving for some convention Friday night, and they won’t be back ‘til Sunday night. You in?”

 Party?! Kevin and Damien smiled. They looked at Robbie, and said in perfect unison, “Hell yea we’re in!” Everyone at Eagle High knew that Robbie threw the best parties.

            “Cool, so I’ll call you tonight with the details, alright?” Robbie said. Both boys nodded.  “I’ll see you guys later then, gotta spread the word.” He stood up and walked away. 

Kevin and Damien then talked about their plans for the party. When they finished, Kevin let out a whoop which was drowned out by the bell. He looked down at his watch. “Oh crap!” before taking off running. Kevin yelled back over his shoulder to Damien, “Sorry D, but I only have two minutes to get to my bio class at the other end of the freaking campus! See ya later!”

                                    *                                  *                                  *                                 

When Kevin and Damien arrived, the party was already in full swing. Yelling over the loud music, Damien said, “I’m gonna get us some drinks man. Stay against a wall close to the door so I can find you.  I won’t be too long.”   

Kevin agreed. He wasn’t quite feeling the party mood anyway. He closed his eyes and wrestled his reluctance into submission. Still keeping his eyes closed, he absorbed the feel of the party atmosphere. The floor was vibrating with the loud base of the music, and the air smelled of alcohol, sweat, and a multitude of perfumes and colognes. He could hear tons of conversations, the popping of tabs as people opened cans, and the pulsing beat of rave music which reverberated through his body.  Now he was ready to party. 

He opened his eyes, and scanned the crowd for Damien with the drinks. His eyes passed over the densely packed crowds of gyrating bodies, ranging from skinny, scrawny, fat, bulky, and whatever was in between. Kevin took in the sight of girls in their tight, skimpy clothes, and guys in their faded jeans and colorful shirts. Some guys had their shirts off, unable to take the heat. He frowned. Where the hell was Damien with the drinks? He was really thirsty. Knowing where Robbie kept the drinks, Kevin headed toward the kitchen, navigating his way through the crowds.

When Kevin finally made it to the kitchen, he spotted Damien standing in front of the counter. Scowling, he said, “Where have you been? You’ve been taking forever!”

“Chill Kev, I just got a little distracted on my way here.” Grinning, Damien wiggled his eyebrows and winked. “Plus, I did get the drinks.” He held up his hands to show cans of beer and gestured to the selection of bottles on the counter in front of him. Kevin let out a whoop of excitement, grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniels and a bottle of vodka from the counter, and followed Damien back into the living room, and into the heart of the party.

                                    *                                  *                                  *                                 

A couple hours later, Kevin was completely wasted. As he danced, he barely noticed the girl he was dancing with. Instead he was trying to keep from falling as he was jostled from all sides by who he randomly noticed were all guys from other dancing couples. With that observation, and the fact that he almost lost his balance, he decided to find Damien and grinned sloppily at the girl with the blurry face in front of him. Spotting Damien on a couch, he stumbled his way over to him and sat down next to him abruptly.

His head whirling pleasantly, Kevin rested his head on the back of the couch. Suddenly, an odd shiver of awareness passed through his body. Weird. Curious, Kevin opened his eyes and looked around the room. His eyes settled on a figure standing in the entrance to the living room.  Blue eyes. Black hair. Nice toned body. Kevin felt an unexpected, desperate urge to know who the person was. Jabbing his elbow into Damien’s ribs, he asked, “Hey D, whozzat?”

“Eh?” Slowly opening his eyes, Damien squinted at the direction of Kevin’s pointed finger. “Oh, tha’s Jessie, a transfer student. Transfer’d ina my English class this mornin’.”

Suddenly, a girl ran into the room and screamed shrilly, “Oh my god you guys, some lady next door just called the cops!”

For a moment, there was silence and the whole world froze. Then there was chaos and panic. Kevin stumbled to his feet, pulled Damien along with him toward the door, yelling, “Crap, our moms would ground us for life if they knew we were at this party!”

They began walking slowly to Damien’s house which was just six blocks away, but quickened their pace when they heard the distant wails of sirens steadily increasing in volume.  When they finally reached Damien’s house, they exhaustedly shuffled up to his room, thankful his mom was at work.  Kevin collapsed on a futon while Damien collapsed on his bed.  Before he fell asleep, Kevin’s last thoughts were of Jessie.

                                    *                                  *                                  *                                 

            Instead of focusing on class, Kevin spent the whole day pondering his unexplainable reactions at the party.  What I felt for Jessie was definitely a fluke.  I wasn’t in my right mind because I was drunk.  It’s impossible that I could feel that way.  I couldn’t honestly feel that way about someone I didn’t even know. Satisfied with his conclusion, he quickly drove to his work, a little café called Comfort.  Barely making it on time, he rushed to the bathroom and quickly changed into his serving uniform.

As he walked out, the manager Felicia called out to him, “Hey Kev, register duty today.  We’ve got a new worker, and we’re testing his serving abilities.”  Suddenly, his skin prickled.  Before he could identify the cause, Felicia said, “Here, let me introduce you to the newbie. Jessie, over here!” No way… “Here, this is Jessie.  Jessie, meet Kevin.”  He found himself staring into a pair of blue eyes surrounded by short, spiky lashes as they shook hands.  His hand tingled.

After that, the rest of his shift was a blur. All Kevin could remember was spending his whole shift trying not to stare at Jessie. Unsuccessfully. He unconsciously took quick glances every few minutes, before catching himself. Then his shift was over. He walked to his car, sat down, and closed the door behind him.  What the hell, that was embarrassing! I’ll just avoid Jessie, that can never happen again.

                                    *                                  *                                  *                                 

            During lunch the next day, Kevin blinked, startled as Damien snapped his fingers in front of his face.  “Hey Kev, you okay man?  You’ve been out of it all morning.”

            “Yea, I’m good man.  Don’t know what …” He saw Jessie, and before he could even think about what he was doing, he yelled, “Hey Jessie, over here.”  When Jessie came over, Kevin said, “Hey, let me introduce you to my friends. The guy with the blond hair and blue eyes is Damien.  The guy with the red hair and brown eyes is Robbie.”

            They all shook hands, and Jessie said, “Cool meeting you guys. I’m late for a meeting, so I gotta go, but we should hang some time.” Kevin watched as Jessie walked back into the hall, short hair being ruffled by a breeze. He felt disappointed.  He was unaware that Damien watched him speculatively.

                                    *                                  *                                  *                                 

            What happened that day set the pattern for the next couple of weeks.  Unaware of what he was doing, Kevin always found himself calling out to Jessie.  He constantly invited Jessie over to his house, to his football games, anything that involved hanging out.  When they weren’t together, his thoughts always came back to Jessie. Kevin constantly found himself hoping for…for what he didn’t know, so he slapped the thought aside.

                                    *                                  *                                  *                                 

            The Tuesday before winter vacation, Kevin, Jessie, Damien, and Robbie were at the café, making plans for the break when Jessie said, “Sorry, I won’t be hanging out with you guys.  I’m gonna be visiting family in Michigan the whole time.”

            All noise faded away to nothing in Kevin’s mind. His head pounded.  “I’m gonna get some fresh air, it’s stuffy in here.”  Without waiting for confirmation, he hurried outside. 

Leaning against the wall, he closed his eyes.  He was unaware that he had been followed until he heard Damien softly say, “You alright Kev?”

“Yea D, just go back inside.  I’ll be back in a few minutes.”  He thought Damien had left, so when Kevin opened his eyes a few minutes later, he was surprised to see Damien in front of him, his gaze intense.  “Whoa man, you surprised me.  Thought you went back inside.”

“You like Jessie don’t you?” Damien said bluntly.

Kevin blinked. “Of course, Jessie’s a good friend.”

“You know what I mean. Quit playin’ around man.” Damien’s gaze never wavered.

“You think I… No way dude! That’s just…weird…wrong… you’re crazy! That wouldn’t be normal.” Kevin stuttered.  He looked down at his shoes. His heart pounded with an emotion he couldn’t identify. Was it fear? Anticipation? Excitement? He didn’t know.

“You do.” Damien said firmly. “Whenever you’re with Jessie, you’re happy.  When you’re not, you get down. Don’t argue with me man, I know you. We’ve been friends since kindergarten. I’ve been watching you these past couple of weeks. You watch Jessie like a lovesick puppy. Hell, you never acted like that around me,” he said wryly.

His thoughts and emotions were a whirlwind, and Kevin tried to make sense of them. In his mind, he was confronted with all his actions and thoughts over the last few weeks as they coalesced into one simple truth which he tried to deny.  He lifted his gaze to Damien’s. Damien’s next words helped calm the confusion in Kevin’s mind, and remove a burden he didn’t even know he carried.  “You like Jessie. That doesn’t mean you’re weird or anything bad. No matter what, you’ll always be Kevin. This changes nothing between us. It’s ok man.”

With those words, Kevin finally accepted the truth that he had been fighting for a very long time. He liked Jessie. He liked him a lot.