by Andrei Smith

 

Bob sits in his chair a foot away from Mary, Staring her down. Mary pretends to be oblivious, and lets her mind wander out the window. The sun stands straight up in the sky, leaving the house in the shadow of its own roof. The sparse floor is littered with little things, and the faint yells of neighborhood children can be heard in the background. Bob turns to Mary.

 

Bob: I’m just saying darling, it doesn’t matter where we leave the baby, as long as the neighbors can’t see him.

 

Mary: He is a She, and No. No. No. The baby stays in the crib, and I won’t hear another word about it. Ok. Tea?

 

Bob: Oh yes, I’m mighty thirsty.

Mary: Who says that?

 

Bob: Says What?

 

Mary: “Mighty Thirsty.” Mighty? Really? Did I say talk like you were a black and white movie person?

Bob: What do you want from me Mary! I’m wasting so much time just playing around with you, you won’t even give me any r-e-s-p-

 

Mary: What is that supposed to mean?! I’m no ball and chain Bob! If you want to go out and play with the floozies,… be my guest!

 

Bob: I never said that! I committed to this thing, and I’m sticking to it.

 

Mary: You better. According to our bet, you owe me three weeks of play before moving on, or else!

 

Bob: *Groans* Whatever… and… just in case you didn’t realize… Nobody says that either.

Mary: Says what?

 

Bob: Floozies. That sounds like of knockoff pop drink mom gives me.

 

Mary: Could you not bring up your mother in my household! It seems like you talk about her more than me! *Puts on Bob’s Voice*: OH! MOM AND I WENT SHOPPING! MOM TOOK ME TO THE ZOO AND BOUGHT ME THIS AND THIS AND THIS! MOM CLEANED MY TEETH AND TRIED TO WIPED MY

Bob: NOW YOU SHUT UP MARY!

 

Steve pops his head in through the window

Steve: Howdy Nieghboors! Did I drop by at a bad time?

 

Mary: You could say that. What do you want Steve?

 

Steve: Just wanted to see if Bob wanted to go, you know, go get dirty with

 

Mary: Nope. Nada. Sorry. No way. Bob, bless his soul, is mine for 3 weeks. Not yours.

 

Bob: I thought you just said that I could do what I want?!

Mary: I never said that darling, its probably just the drink getting to you…

Steve: Wooooah Ok then. I guess I’ll drop bye

 

Mary: In 3 weeks. Nice to see you Steve!

 

Mary closes the shutters

 

Mary: See that right there is what I’m afraid of! If you weren’t making a fool of yourself, he could have seen the baby lying there on the floor.

 

Bob: So what! Everyone knows anyways! I know, you know! Nobody. Cares. Most people’s babies end up like this!

 

Mary: That baby deserves our love and affection! We got it, and now its our duty to take care of it!

 

Bob: I don’t think this is getting through to you Mary. The Baby. Is. Not. Alive. Watch this.

Bob picks up the young baby and throws him/her against the wall. The baby bounces off, and lands next to the telephone

 

Bob: I promise you he won’t be bruised tomorrow, and there’s no blood to clean up. Dead as a doornail.

 

Mary: I… Can’t… believe… you would do that… to our child Bob! I knew I should have played around with Steve and not you.

 

Bob: Be my bloody guest to you too! Or should I say Puts on dorky voice: Howdy Neighbor! How’s the day going for you? Dandy?

 

Mary: At least he would love our relationship.

Bob: Now that doesn’t even make sense. Love “our” relationship? Have you not been going to class. Oh. Ohhh. No, Mary, don’t do that. Don’t cry. Here take this napkin.

 

Mary: That’s the baby’s shirt you son of a batch of

 

Bob: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT TALKING ABOUT MY MOM!

Mary: Silent

 

Bob: Oh jeez. I’m sorry Mary.

 

Mary: Your not sorry! I know all about what you’ve been doing! Messing around in the dirty places of the nieghboorhood! Don’t think I didn’t find your messy books under the crib!

Bob: Those were purely for my enjoyment! They don’t take away at all from what we have and you know it! I just like coloring in the pictures! Don’t think I didn’t find out about

 

Mary: About what? About what? Come on lets hear it! You don’t want to get me started talking about skeletons in closets big guy. Because you know I know more than you want me to know.

 

Bob: No, no, you know nothing! You brought this now you want me to start the list?

 

Mary: TRRRRRRYYYY MEEEE. You don’t know anything about me, let alone my secrets!

 

Bob: Skeletons in Closets eh?! Fine. Lets start right there. I found Ken in the closet when you went outside to pick flowers right after lunch. You don’t think that I believe he got there by himself do you?

 

Mary (Wide Eyed): What did you… What did you do to him! I’ve been looking for him for weeks! Everyone likes my Ken!

 

Bob: You girls only like Ken cause he won’t stop you from taking his clothes off!

Mary: Just tell me what you did to him.

 

Bob: What makes you think I “did” anything to him huh? I’m not a bully!

 

Mary: Well to start off, you are much bigger than he is.

 

Bob: He was. Much bigger than he was.

 

Mary: Oh my god… what did you do!?

Bob: First… (Bob smiles) I tore his legs off, one by one. Then, his right arm. Then I twisted (Mary: Oh my Oh my Oh my.) his head till he could only see backwards… and then I threw him in the sand pit! I saw Alex run over his remains with his yellow tractor just this morning.

 

Mary begins to cry

 

Bob: Oh you. He was only ever your play toy and nothing more, so don’t try and kid yourself Mary. You have nothing to cry about. Nothing!

 

Mary continues to cry

 

Bob: Oh stop getting emotional! You know who should be crying right now, and it isn’t you. That’s right. Look at me when I’m talking to you!

 

Mary looks up, eyes damp with tears for her lost Ken.

 

Bob: Alright, now watch this, and you can see who should be crying!

 

Bob shows great effort in standing up from his chair. His back is arched terribly, like the curve of a boomerang. He makes an attempt to quickly stand up straight, but he hits his head and falls to the floor rather comically. His jaw clenched in pain, he yells at Mary.

 

Bob: SEE! THIS IS PAIN!

 

Mary: Ok! Ok! Wait! I think I hear Cheeroes!

 

Bob: Bloody Cheerios! What a stupid name!

 

Mary: Here he is!

 

Cheerios enters the house. He puts down his soccer ball.

 

Bob (Puts on a deep voice): Hello Son how was your day today?

Mary (Whispering in Bob’s ear): Stop that! That sounds so fake!

 

Cheerios: Uh, parents? I’ve been meaning to ask you, can I change my name?

Mary: Why would you do that?

Cheerios: Well, my real name is Robert, and that’s what my mom calls m-

 

Mary: I’M YOUR MOM NOW CHEERIOS! YOU BOYS AND YOUR MOTHERS!

 

Cheerios: Wooooah, Ok, Ok! Hey… what happened to the baby?

 

Bob: Oh don’t get her started on that bloody thing again-

 

Mary (Looking at the ceiling) (The very close ceiling): I’m just trying to be a good mom. All these two brats do is MESS EVERYTHING UP! GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!

 

Bob: RUN CHEERIOS! RUNNNNN!

 

Cheerios jumps out the window, and is closely followed by Bob. The two old daycare ladies watch as the kids run in circles around the red and yellow plastic house. Bob and Cheerios seem to be laughing maniacally. A baby doll flies out the window and hits Bob in the head, but he quickly recovers.

 

Margaret: Ah, isn’t it wonderful? They always have the best time playing that game.

 

Denise: Absolutely. I sure hope they treasure this, I know I didn’t.

Margaret: Yeah, just wait till they grow up, and realize that playing House in real life isn’t any fun at all.

 

Denise: Can you believe Isaac forgot our anniversary again?

 

They both laugh.