by Celeste Swain

 

            There is something beautiful about public transportation. People with different backgrounds, ethnicities, genders, sizes, and life perspectives are all united with one similar purpose: to get from here to there. This guide is meant to shed light on the precious life moments you can extract from a quick bus ride to the grocery store or a cross-country Amtrak ride to visit your Aunt Fanny in upstate Vermont. You may be thinking, “Why, I love public transportation as well, so there is no reason for me to read this trying-way-to-hard-to-be-funny-she-needs-to-stop-writing-now-and-find-something-else-to-do-like-paint-or-perhaps-clean, wannabe guide.” Well Mr. Pessimistic, a specific goal of mine is to capture the attention of all readers. From the highly experienced and maybe even lovers of public transportation, to the more inexperienced fellows who think they will be robbed at gun point and forced to do inappropriate favors by a creature in a fluffy turtle costume, if they succumb to the dark and often smelly form of transportation. On that note, I encourage you to find it in your heart to read the guide and educate yourself to become a respectable rider, heck, maybe I’ll even see you on board.

 

 

The Sly Spy:

 

            You know you love to stare at people. I do. Not in a creepy way; I just like to observe the way strangers laugh when on a cell phone with a close friend and cry when the person they’re on the phone with happens to be their boyfriend of eight months and mentions a need of space. “You told me you loved me…(sob)…it’s Jessica isn’t it? That big-boobed whore!”  The way a person inhales a poppy-seed muffin as they listen to their iPod, and how delicately the crumbs burrow into their beard and into the creases of their fall collection Armani suit. And then later at work their boss may notice the crumbs and they could just say, “Goodbye” to their promotion. It’s oh so entertaining. A prime hotspot for staring, or rather ‘observing’, I have found, is public transportation.

            If you happen to share this obsession (which you do), I am willing to leave you with a secret of mine: the key to observing people while riding a form of public transportation is to be slick. If someone catches you in the act, there is no place to hide. Ducking under your seat is not an ideal escape. Dark sunglasses are prime. If you don’t own dark sunglasses or if the time of day doesn’t permit such an accessory, various props will work just fine. There is the book/newspaper/magazine method in which you hold the reading material approximately 1.2 feet from your eyes and slightly diagonal from your subject to allow your peripheral vision to pick up the action.

Next there is the reflection technique in which you look out the window pretending to be interested in the outside scenery when really, you are picking up a perfect view of the teenage blabber mouth who picks his/her nose when he/she thinks no one is watching. But you are.

Finally, the easiest method (which can only be used on special circumstances) allows you to stare directly at the subject. Yes, you heard me. This is because, in this unique occasion (yet not so unique in Berkeley) the subject is a woman in layers of clothing, has thirteen bags, four cats (one of them on her head), and she is talking to herself. I don’t think she or any of her many personalities would mind eyes on her; in fact, she probably would enjoy the attention. Unless of course you are a woman who wears layers of clothing, has thirteen bags, four cats (one on your head) and talks to yourself; then I’d just suggest therapy.

Anyway, the most important thing to remember is you’re not watching TV. Even if you are observing a bag/cat lady, any zoned-out stares for long periods of time with some drool dribbling out of your open mouth and onto your lap is definitely unacceptable, and gross. Oh and it is also important to be aware that any slip-ups or errors in execution can cause someone, for example, a man, wait hold-up, a woman, hmm well an “it” with a shaggy beard and breasts to get the wrong idea and it may make its way over to your seat and ask for your number. Oopsies.

 

The Self-Entertainer:

            My staff and I here at the Guide Writing Committee have recently tallied the votes from our Reader’s Choice Awards for the Top 3 ways to entertain oneself on public transportation. Just a quick note, these votes were collected via text messaging and all the votes sent in to us through mail were declared void. Just so you know. Not that it matters.

Annoy the Driver- Yeah, the driver is probably some kind, old man or woman who has retired their first job and now just wants to give back to the community by working to get fewer cars on the road, but still. The classic activity is pulling the “request a stop” string one too many times. Or wait, did I say one? I meant one hundred and fifty-three too many times. Oh, shoot, I did it again. “You see, there’s a tree right in front of my stop and, well, this is Redwood City.” This can be most fun if you sync the pulling with the song playing on your iPod. Helps you get into the rhythm. Another one of my favorites involves reading signs incorrectly. “Hmmhm, I understand your point sir, but I always thought a red circle with a line through it meant hamburgers welcome.”

Memorize Some Facts- Did you know that up to 48% of people have at least one fungus-affected toe by the time they reach age seventy? Well I do. I know this because of the ad that I memorized while riding the bus. If you’re a beginner, I’d request you to start with the schedule of this particular transit. Once you get it down, you can whip out the facts, and impress your friends. “Hey Janine, where does the 61 stop after Freedman Blvd.?” “Well, that would be uh Gra­­-­­-” “Wrong. It’s Granite Ave. I win.” Once you feel comfortable with the basics you can move on to ads, like me. They try to trick you with the ads, those silly bastards. The easy-to-remember slogan they have is harder than it looks. My advice: take your time. Perhaps get off at a further stop and walk back to your destination, the extra time for memorization will do wonders. “Got a buck? Save a Duck­­- Animal Protection Services.”

Multi-task: Get your exercise ON the bus- They put those metal bars there for a reason, you know.

 

The Believer:

            Why are we alive? That is the question. Well, Ms. I-hate-life-and-am-going-to- commit-suicide-with-that-spatula-and-a-container-of-dental-floss-now-OK-bye. Slow down. Take a deep breath. I have answers, I have the answer. We live to leave our footprints, for others to remember us and benefit from our being. Public transportation just makes this easier.

            So you’re probably thinking, “the most someone’s ever left me on a bus is a sticky stain on the seat that smells like a mix between cotton candy and cat urine.” Yes, this may be true, but it’s all love my friend.

            Top 5 things to find on public transportation that spell out ‘you’re a good person, rock on my brotha’:           *Note: no votes for this part. Not even text messages.           Proceed.*

            • A five-dollar bill. You’re almost a millionaire, almost.

            • A recipe for jicama salad with a tangy orange pecan dressing.

            • Two paper clips. Not one. Two.

• A gum wrapper. Hey, you could start a collection!

•The lease to a beautiful, five story house over-looking the light-blue coast of               Oahu. That would be awesome.

           

            Now, if luck isn’t coming your way and you’ve never found one of the above aboard (maybe it’s because you canceled your account to Haoniyao in Kenya this week…karma!?!), but anyway, don’t sweat it. Oh, and the whole sweating thing reminds me. If you happen to find someone’s deodorant on the bus and are in desperate need of some antipirspirant, try to refrain from using it. Armpits are moist environments and may harbor living organisms. (But if you do want to boost your karma, this is the website, www.helpchildreninafrica.com.)

 

Enough about the receiving, let’s talk about the giving. It is vital to leave a future rider with a smile on their face. If you have a cute little grandchild, how thoughtful would it be to leave someone a copy of his/her second grade school picture? Just precious. You could stick it in between two seats or even in the crack between that metal thing and the window. Feel free to jot down the contact information of this little one. People like me love that kind of stuff.

Another idea would be to leave some freshly baked goods. Brownies would actually be the best. Make sure that they’re slightly gooey, but not too gooey. Negative points if they’re crispy.

Finally, my last suggestion is the ol’ love letter that “accidentally” falls out of your pocket. Personal relationships definitely beat gossip magazines, especially when they come from your fellow public transportation-riding peers. Finding a crumpled piece of paper, notably torn from a journal or other database of top-secret information, just hits the spot. Now if you do not own any or do not have a significant other to write/receive letters from (a.k.a. you’re single), be creative, write your own. However, try to keep it PG-13…eh, scratch that, we all know TV these days… Go wild.

 

Congratulations! You are now a respectable public transportation rider. The following page contains a tear-out certificate of your completion. I suggest you carry it around at all times. If someone doubts your love and commitment to the to the art of public transportation, prove them wrong.

Good luck, and happy travels!