From the desk of Warren Laufer
3246 Lamb’s Tail Lane (basement) Highland, MD
(144)-564-3570 Rainxxfiredragon@droidmail.com
by Sienna Swan
Ross Johnson
CEO
Nabisco corp.
Dear Mr. Johnson,
First off, let me just say that I am a big fan. Versatile, delicious, and attractive, your product has revolutionized the way the world looks at frosting-stuffed desserts. These snacks have been a staple in my diet since I was weaned; I would go so far as to say that Oreo cookies have played as big a role in my life as my own father. I have followed your company’s rise and fall through the years; watching, waiting for my opportunity. Like a proud parent, I saw you stumble and trip, knowing that I had to let you make your own mistakes in order for you to truly succeed. Yes, there have been times in the past where your mistakes were truly grave (that ‘triple stuffd’ fiasco), when I yearned to step in and take the reigns. But I abstained, hoping that your errors would be rectified. But the time has come, Ross (can I call you Ross?), for me to take over; there are some mistakes I simply cannot bear to see you make. No trans fats? Fat free? MINT? I cannot let you continue to sully the name of this once great product. Now don’t get me wrong, Ross, the blame does not lie entirely in your hands. It is simply that a strong company needs a strong leader, and I am beginning to believe that you, Ross, are not that man. It is with this thought that I would like to offer my services to your company. With an intimate knowledge of your product and a hip, saavy connection to your consumers, I believe I can restore the Oreo name to its former glory. I was recently liberated from my previous job in one of your factories, and finally have the time needed to commit to such a undertaking. While the production of Oreos was a dream job in itself, I think I could do even more for the company were I in a position of real power. I would command only a reasonable wage, as well as the usual commodities afforded to a CEO. With my help, Ross, we can break the ceiling of the stuffed cookie business, take this company places it has never gone before. The Keebler elves will run screaming from their tree when they see the tricks I’ve got up my sleeve. I look forward to hearing from you; I can already tell that we’ll make a great team.
Best Wishes,
Warren Laufer
Nabisco Fun Club
566 East 5th ave Hanover, NJ
800-569-0983 (9-5 weekdays)
Dear Fan,
Thanks so much for the letter! Here at Oreo headquarters, we love to here from people who enjoy our product just as much as we do! Because you’re obviously a fan, may we suggest joining the Nabisco Fun Club? With membership, you’ll receive a prize bag, with pins, cards , and hats to show your friends! Or join us online at Oreo.com to enter a whole new world of fun! Games, quizzes, and Oreo information await you at the click of a button! Join our fun club within the next 3 weeks, and receive a coupon for 5% of your next Nabisco purchase…now that’s fun!
Yours Truly,
Ross Johnson and the Oreo Team
From the desk of Warren Laufer
3246 Lamb’s Tail Lane (basement) Highland, MD
(144)-564-3570 Rainxxfiredragon@droidmail.com
Hey Ross!
How’s it goin’? Listen, I don’t mean to be a pest, but I think there was a little snafu when you were sending all that job application mumbo-jumbo to me (a formality, I know); all I got was some auto-reply whoo-ha straight from the Nabisco Fan Club ( like I’m not already a member haha). Anyway, buddy, I’m sure you’re thinking “darn that secretary of mine! Why can’t she stop painting her nails and get some real work done?!” Well, pal, I can commiserate. Women! Ha! I’ll tell you, my ex was just like the rest of them. The wedding was beautiful, just beautiful. Oreo themed; black and white as far as the eye could see. The flower girl even threw out those mini-Oreos onto the aisle. You’d think that if mom’s hand made double layer Oreo wedding cake couldn’t keep her roped in, than nothing could. Well bud, you’d be wrong-o. Let’s just say that there’s more than one reason not to trust your lawyer. Speaking of lawyers, let me pitch some ideas at you-get ready, they’ll be coming thick and fast! O.K, picture this; your average American family, not unlike you and me, just sitting on the couch, watching some t.v and relaxing after a long day of work. There’s some boring news on, some silly talk show, an action packed drama, and some commercials. Now, Ross, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been sitting in that same situation, thinking to myself “well g.d it, Warren, now you have to change the channel again. Why can’t it all just be on one show?” You see, people are watching these commercials, stuffed with delicious imagery, and thinking “oooh, I wouldn’t mind some of that”. But at the same time, they want to watch the young housewives bounce around on the talk show, and take in all the excitement of their favorite drama show. They could take or leave the news, so we’ll forget about that for now. Now listen, Ross, and listen good; what would you do if I told you about a show that would encompass everything that makes America great? Well, here it is: Oreo Island Adventure Team: The Reality Show That Bites! It goes like this; two teams of contestants are marooned on the island: both teams will consist entirely of women. One team, the “Oreoh No’s” will consist of homely girls- dumpy, unattractive, plain, pudgy-yet ripe with potential. The other team ( The Oreoettes)will be made up of smokin’ babes-I’m talking blonde, tall, tan, and thin. The Oreoettes will have 2 weeks to transform the Oreoh No’s into valuable, attractive members of society, using (get this); ONLY OREO PRODUCTS. Great, right? Cookie crumb exfoliants, creme-product hair rinses, frosting facials, all of it. The Oreoh No who makes the most progress will win a trip to a plastic surgeon to finish up the job. The whole thing will take place on a sweltering desert island, where the Oreoettes will have to run obstacle courses-lots and lots of obstacle courses- in the humid, sticky heat before reaching their assigned Oreoh No. Sound like gold? That’s because it is. Anyways, Ross, that was just one of my ideas-and let me tell you, I’ve got more where that came from. We can have a real brainstorm session when we meet face to face-go over the details of the show and stuff. A “rap session” as they call it in the business , right? Ha ha. Well, send me that paperwork A.S.A.P ( my severance checks from the factory are running out!). I just can’t wait to join the Oreo team!
Your Friend, Warren Laufer
Nabisco Fun Club
566 East 5th ave Hanover, NJ
800-569-0983 (9-5 weekdays)
Dear Fan,
Thanks so much for the letter! Here at Oreo headquarters, we love to here from people who enjoy our product just as much as we do! Because you’re obviously a fan, may we suggest joining the Nabisco Fun Club? With membership, you’ll receive a prize bag, with pins, cards, and hats to show your friends! Or join us online at Oreo.com to enter a whole new world of fun! Games, quizzes, and Oreo information await you at the click of a button! Join our fun club within the next 3 weeks, and receive a coupon for 5% of your next Nabisco purchase…now that’s fun!
Yours Truly,
Ross Johnson and the Oreo Team
From the desk of Warren Laufer
3246 Lamb’s Tail Lane (basement) Highland, MD
(144)-564-3570 Rainxxfiredragon@droidmail.com
Ross,
Jeez louise, man, you need to get a new secretary! I got another one of those darn Fun Club forms! Haha, well, just get those job forms to me soon…my mom’s really getting on my case about not having a job. Moms! Haha! So I’m guessing you liked my Adventure Island idea, being as I’ve seen those new commercials you’ve put out advertising it! Looks great! I was kind of hoping that we could talk about it a little bit first, you know, smooth out the kinks, but I know how it is. You’ve probably got the t.v guys breathing down your neck, I understand. Just make sure to credit me on the show; my mom’s already told all of her friends! I was thinking maybe I could be the host, you know, like that Ryan Seacrest. I could lose a little weight, get toned up…what do you think? It’s just an idea. Anyway Ross, how are you? Tell me a little about yourself! Here I am, blabbering away about me, me, me, and I haven’t heard a peep out of you! You’re a great listener. I figure we should get to know each other, seeing as how we’re going to be teammates in the corperation pretty soon. So, hey, if you could mail those forms, that’d be just great! I’ll be waiting!
Sincerely,
Warren Laufer
P.S I tried calling your number, but it was just an automated recording! There was no number to press to speak to you, so I just left a message in the “comments and concerns” category. I called again and got this funny sounding man-I told him who I was, and demanded to speak with you, but he didn’t seem to understand me! So much for hired help! Sounds like you need to do some ‘spring cleaning’ with your employees, Ross! First your ditzy secretary, and now this! Haha! Well, feel free to call me any time at my home number! If my mom picks up, just ask for Warren!
Nabisco Fun Club
566 East 5th ave Hanover, NJ
800-569-0983 (9-5 weekdays)
Dear Fan,
Thanks so much for the letter! Here at Oreo headquarters, we love to here from people who enjoy our product just as much as we do! Because you’re obviously a fan, may we suggest joining the Nabisco Fun Club? With membership, you’ll receive a prize bag, with pins, cards, and hats to show your friends! Or join us online at Oreo.com to enter a whole new world of fun! Games, quizzes, and Oreo information await you at the click of a button! Join our fun club within the next 3 weeks, and receive a coupon for 5% of your next Nabisco purchase…now that’s fun!
Yours Truly,
Ross Johnson and the Oreo Team
From the desk of Warren Laufer
3246 Lamb’s Tail Lane (basement) Highland, MD
(144)-564-3570 Rainxxfiredragon@droidmail.com
Ross,
Hey, I’m starting to get worried! Is everything alright over there? Family troubles? I can relate. Anyways, if you could send me those forms, that’d really be good. Hope everything’s o.k!
Love, Warren
Nabisco Fun Club
566 East 5th ave Hanover, NJ
800-569-0983 (9-5 weekdays)
Dear Fan,
Thanks so much for the letter! Here at Oreo headquarters, we love to here from people who enjoy our product just as much as we do! Because you’re obviously a fan, may we suggest joining the Nabisco Fun Club? With membership, you’ll receive a prize bag, with pins, cards, and hats to show your friends! Or join us online at Oreo.com to enter a whole new world of fun! Games, quizzes, and Oreo information await you at the click of a button! Join our fun club within the next 3 weeks, and receive a coupon for 5% of your next Nabisco purchase…now that’s fun!
Yours Truly,
Ross Johnson and the Oreo Team
From the desk of Warren Laufer
3246 Lamb’s Tail Lane (basement) Highland, MD
(144)-564-3570 Rainxxfiredragon@droidmail.com
Listen, man, this has gone too far. TOO FAR! I just saw this “ Oreo Island Challenge” bull-whooey that you’ve put out, and I am TICKED OFF. You hear me, Ross? I’m MAD! NO mention of my name, NO credit-what do you think I am, Ross, a doormat you can walk all over? Some sort of mat that you can just wipe your feet on? WELL I AM NO MAT, ROSS. You hear me!? I thought I knew you better than that. I thought we had the kind of friendship where we could tell each other things. Instead, here you are just walking all over me like I’m some sort of carpet. WELL I’M NOT, ROSS. You give me ONE good reason why we should stay a team-ONE REASON. You think I’m some sort of rug you can just stomp on, but I’m not. I’m disappointed, Ross. I thought you were better than this.
From the desk of Warren Laufer
3246 Lamb’s Tail Lane (basement) Highland, MD
(144)-564-3570 Rainxxfiredragon@droidmail.com
Ross?
Hey buddy…so… this isn’t easy, but I’m sorry. Sorry for writing to you the way I did. I didn’t really mean it…I was in the heat of the moment, and…well, I’ll say it, I was a little hurt. It’s just that this is supposed to be the sort of partnership where our blood, sweat and tears mingle, and when the end prize finally comes, we both share the glory. I guess that I just feel like you kind of stole the glory on this one, Ross. Now, I understand if you’ve got some trouble at home or are under a lot of pressure at the job, but you can talk to me, Ross. That’s what friends are for, right? Just a little communication would be nice. So I’m sorry for what I said, and you can just call me any time, alright? Hang in there, buddy.
Your Friend Forever,
Warren Laufer
P.S Not to be a nag, but could you please send those job forms? I want to make it official!
Nabisco Fun Club
566 East 5th ave Hanover, NJ
800-569-0983 (9-5 weekdays)
Dear Fan,
Thanks so much for the letter! Here at Oreo headquarters, we love to here from people who enjoy our product just as much as we do! Because you’re obviously a fan, may we suggest joining the Nabisco Fun Club? With membership, you’ll receive a prize bag, with pins, cards, and hats to show your friends! Or join us online at Oreo.com to enter a whole new world of fun! Games, quizzes, and Oreo information await you at the click of a button! Join our fun club within the next 3 weeks, and receive a coupon for 5% of your next Nabisco purchase…now that’s fun!
Yours Truly,
Ross Johnson and the Oreo Team