by David Thompson

 

Welcome to the Help Me! My kid’s applying to college and don’t know what the hell to do about it Guide. Where all your parenting questions will be answered once and for all. Hopefully all my personal experiences will help you through this tough parenting challenge called College. This guide is no place for bullshitting.

 

 

Chapter 1: About the Author.

 

            I wouldn’t say I was always stressed out. But college applications made me this way. From the figuring out which colleges I even wanted to apply to, to those darn essays that never end. Apparently college admissions teams want to see how well you write essays, with prompts starting out as “Describe yourself in three-hundred words.” with the line “And make it wonderful!” in hiding. How the hell am I supposed to do that? They want my whole seventeen years of life in one freaking paragraph. Screw that. Hi, I’m David. I’m in leadership, I played men’s volleyball, I volunteered at the BHS holiday meal, I worked for BUSD, I tutored kids at Willard, I cleaned up the Berkeley Marina AND the Aquatic Park shoreline ON THE SAME DAY “I do all the shit that no one else wants too, which I HAVE to translates into, I endeavor on the things that seem the most difficult to help out my class and I will always take great pride in that”. For all the stuff that I have done to get into college, three hundred words ain’t happening. What the hell? How dare you ask me to do that, college admissions team? Can you do it? I didn’t think so. So why in the world would you have your future students do it? I can imagine old men with perfectly manicured mustaches sitting around the table reading this and thinking, “I hate you,” putting my seventeen-year-old life in the hands of another man is not something I would ever want to do again. A lot of people ask how I applied to seventeen colleges without dying. Well, I almost did. Five UC’s, six CSU’s, three privates, and one out of state school. The applications were tremendously hard. The privates and the out of state colleges were the worst. Requiring mid-year reports, many essays and my first-born son. For the parents out there reading this WONDERFUL journey, I want to give you a little advice on how to handle your high school senior.

STOP ASKING DUMB QUESTIONS (it will save you a lot of time and anger.)

Don’t know what a dumb question is? Example: “Aren’t you scared to be going to college?” Hell no…  Okay maybe just a little. It’s both. Your child is scared to be leaving the lovely safety of your nest, but they are excited to start college and begin their lives as adults while draining YOUR bank accounts with charges to Starbucks Coffee and Domino’s pizza. Also, teenagers applying to colleges don’t need parents down their throats, they’re feeling enough pressure about their choices already without you standing over their shoulders. While I’m on the topic of asking questions. One question that teenagers across the world will always hate and one you should never ask is, “Where are you going next year  (fill in the blank)?” And it always seems like the 100-year-old woman next door that can’t even start her own car, asks the most.  For example, Ms. Jones has known me since the day I came home from the hospital. And I swear she has been waiting to ask me the question ever since I could first speak.

            “So David. Where on earth are you going next year baby?” Standing there with her silver walker with the green tennis balls.

            First of all, I did not come from your womb. So please don’t call me baby. Second of all I have no FUCKING clue. You miserable woman. You ask me that every day.

            While they ask you The Question, they stand there inspecting you. Like you’re that white lab mouse that you see in most Sci-fi movies when the DNA experiment goes terribly wrong and everyone’s running from the 2500-pound mouse in the end. But of course you can’t say what you are thinking to the old sweet woman that your family has known for ages. So instead you say this …

            “I have no clue yet. I know it’s between             and                  though. But I’ll keep you updated. Thanks for asking.”

            They smile as they walk away satisfied with that fake answer.   

            Chapter 2: Applying to Colleges

            If you didn’t get how important and stressful applying to college is from the first chapter, then I’m proud that your child has gotten past the first grade. I would like to reiterate that applying to colleges is the most stressful thing in a student’s life other than maybe their own wedding day. There are a lot of questions that students have to factor in when choosing their college list. The only questions that I had to factor in were: where would I want to study and what would I be studying. My college list started with four colleges and somehow it snowballed into fifteen. Unfortunately my parents had the dumb idea to tell me that they didn’t think I would get into the colleges that I applied to WHAT the fuck. Don’t ever tell your child that. Even if you’re on your death bed. My advice to you is to tell your child to keep the list between five to ten schools. It will make the decision of choosing the perfect school a lot easier, which I’ll talk about later. By June of your junior year, your child should have a list of about fifteen preliminary schools that they, and (if they need help) you, will narrow down to about ten. But if you are one of those overbearing parents that don’t have any faith in their child, you may want them to apply to them all.

Reach schools are the schools that your child thinks they have no chance of getting into. Usually, they’re only applying just to please you. Like Harvard and Yale. (You should be ashamed of yourself.)  Safety Schools are the schools they know that they will get into unless the dumb jock with a 1.9 grade point average from the rival high school that can only do a lay-up steals his or her spot. This shouldn’t take long. But watch out for deadlines. They can be a bitch. Just like essays. Reexamine the essay part of Chapter 1.

            The essays that your child writes will need to be edited, unless your child has turned out to be Einstein or Poe at the age of 17 or 18. I suggest you, as a parent, research different types of essay prompts for you and your child to study. Many public college essay prompts are straight and to the point. The private schools like University of Southern California or Yale, ask the most bizarre questions. For example "You have just finished writing your 300 page autobiography. Please submit page 217." Please explain to me. What teenager sits around, writing their autobiography willie nillie. We’re not that interesting. Teachers may help you with this particular section and some will try but will unfortunately fail. For example: my American Government teacher Ms. Prahan (name changed to protect identity) was asked to edit one of my essays. I gave her plenty of time to read it. Three months: September, October and part of November. And when I came back, she had added one comma. Which only caused me to miss one of my college deadlines. Thank god for priority mail. I’m just saying. Don’t go to Ms. Prahan for editing.

The point of this story: have backups. You never know when your first choice will backfire on you.

           

Chapter 3: Dealing with Rejection

            In mid-March most of the public Colleges\Universities that your child applied too will be getting back to him or her. This is your time to worry.  March and April are the months that most parents of average children hate. The over-achieving children that only applied to one school and got in have no worries. These months make the nicest children turn into destructive monsters if you feed them past twelve. Children are the most fragile in these months. You can have 50 cent as a son and you will soon see him in the corner in the fetal position sucking his thumb. So choose your words carefully. I recommend comforting your children, and if you have children that are applying to college next year, you may as well start early. College admissions in the future will become even more selective than they were for the future class of 2012. If your child is the type not to tell you the bad things that are going on in their lives. I want to give you some telltale signs.

1.      Anger. Slamming doors, throwing things, standing over you with a knife in hand asking, “Why was I born?” These are the entire norm.

2.      Secrecy. If your child usually tells you everything when it comes to college, but suddenly they’re quiet, expect something is wrong. But DO NOT hunt them down like Elmer the Fudd and Bugs Bunny. Wait for them to come to you. Like OJ Simpson. And then strike.

3.      Denial. The college process will make Paris Hilton’s confidence deplete like a balloon that has been left in a room after a party. Your child’s confidence has been blown up by meaningless safety school acceptances. When the big school comes that they have been waiting for, that everyone has been telling him or her that they have “in the bag”, has rejected them. Denial kicks in with many thoughts such as “Me? Denied?”, “Oh hell no!” and my personal favorite, “They got me straight f***** up.”

 

Chapter 4: Getting over the idiot schools that had the audacity to reject you of their admission and finding the school that kicks their ass over and over again, while the idiot school is begging for Mercy!

     As the title suggests, this chapter is all about finding the school that best fits you. You decided to apply to these schools for a reason. They each must have some of the characteristics you are looking for, or you wouldn't have bothered with those applications in the first place. The question is, how do you decide which of these characteristics are most important? Which factors about a school will translate into the best experience for the next four years of your life? To find the answer, you need to know yourself. But since most of us use college to find yourself, I’m going to cut to the chase. Academics, Campus Life, and Location are the top three used factors in deciding to accept admission from a university. If you don’t think that you can get a hella good education, then why go? If you don’t think you are going to have dummy fun, then why go? If you don’t think you are going to like the atmosphere of that school then why the hell go? Get my drift? Trust your gut. Some of us have bigger trust abilities. Once you make your final decision, you’ve made it. No backsies!

           

Chapter 5: Financial Aid

I just wanted to touch bases on financial aid. It’s difficult. You’ve got the FAFSA, CSS, and so much other free money that you’ll be feeling like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman at the end of this experience. But don’t worry. She gets hers. By the way, the FAFSA takes a long time. It includes questions that you have never thought of in a billion years.

            “Mom, have you ever heard of 1040EZ?”

            “Is that a rap group?”

 It requires your father to drag out the financial skeletons that he put in the closet eighteen years ago. If you plus your parents (I say that because they make, you spend) make over 100,000 dollars you are still eligible for aid. The average four-year university costs about twenty-seven thousand. A year. And for what. Books, and a small ass utility closet that they call a “dorm room”. In that case you’ll have to become a street pharmacist in order to pay for half. Your financial aid package is most likely be overwhelmed with loans. Advice: don’t take them unless you have too. Because by the time you’ll be done paying them off. You’ll be Cisely Tyson’s age.

           

On a final note. I wish you all the freaking best. Hopefully this process won’t kill you and hopefully I explained and answered all the questions that could have popped in your Golden Girls head. Good Luck.