Chelsea Nicholas

Frozen

Is this an earthquake?  She thought half asleep. Her bed was shaking rapidly. “Wake up!” Her light was on, and her dad was trying to wake her. Eventually she got up. She had to pick out the perfect outfit for her first day as an eighth grader. “Hmm… What to wear… what to wear,” she said to her closet full of clothes.

            Finally she arrived at school and went to her first class, P.E. So far so good. She knew a couple of people in her class, and saw a lot of people she couldn’t wait to get to know. Especially this one boy, his height was average for a guy, but he was still quite a bit taller than her. He had curls like ringlets, and his clothes, Ugh! His jeans were medium blue, and baggy, his jacket was black with holes, white out drawings, and safety pins everywhere. Normally she liked guys who dressed nicely. None the less, she couldn’t help but look. Who’s that? I’ve never seen him before. Her expression changed; she tilted her head sideways and squinted her eyes a bit, she was very curious as to who this new boy was. “Ding, Ding.” The bell rang, rudely interrupting her thoughts. She headed towards her next class, English.

Before she knew it, her day was finally over, and it was time to go to bed. Today was a good day…  I wonder what his name is… her mind trailed off, and she started thinking of that new boy who turned out to be in two of her classes.

            Sitting in English class, she thought, How can I get to know him without making myself too obvious? Her eyebrows had scrunched together, giving away the fact that she was concentrating on something. “What are you thinking about?” said a voice with a tone of laughter in it. She turned her head and raised her eyebrows in surprise. You. “Oh, nothing, the sun was just in my eyes.” She lied. “Ha, suuuure.” His tone was playful. He introduced himself and they shook hands. They spent the rest of the period getting to know each other, and talking whenever the teacher turned her back. They made talking a daily routine, as well as passing notes. Any plans for the weekend? He wrote on a piece of lined paper, and passed it to her as secretly as possible. He put it in the back of his shoe, and bent his knee to a 90 degree angle, so she could just reach into his shoe and grab it. Just chilling, why? You? She passed the paper back casually. I was thinking of going to see a movie with some people, want to come? Her eyes gleamed as she read what he wrote and she couldn’t help but smile. In the note they planned the details, the movie, the time, and most importantly, “We exchanged screen names!” She squealed, to her best friend. At this moment in time, she felt she couldn’t be any happier, then he instant messaged her. It turned out everyone else he wanted to invite was busy, so it was just going to be him, her, and another friend. Amazing.

             It was the big day. After hours of getting ready, she went to meet up with him and the other girl. They entered the movie theater, only to see there were no seats left, so they sat on the floor in the back. She was watching the movie, trying to figure out what was happening, when she felt someone staring at her. She looked to her right. It was him. He looked in her eyes, then slowly down to her lips. His eyes remained staring at her lips. A tingly feeling passed through her entire body, and soon fluttering butterflies filled up her stomach. His face moved closer and closer, till she actually became a little cross eyed. Not really knowing what to do, she waited for him to make the move. He gently pressed his lips against hers, and began to kiss her lightly and slowly. She closed her eyes, and let her lips do the rest.

On the car ride home, her heart and body were filled with elation. She sighed with content, My first kiss, it was perfect.

The next day she was on AIM, and she noticed he hadn’t made an effort to talk to her, so she took a breath and asked what their kiss had meant. He replied and said “nothing”, they were just friends. Her heart sank, and she felt broken. How could something that had meant so much to her not mean a thing to him?  She should’ve stopped talking to him, but no. She stuck around and stayed just his friend.

            Months passed, and it was almost Halloween. She decided to send out an “e-card” wishing all her friends a Happy Halloween. At the end of the card she signed it with “Love you.” Later that day, on her email, she received e-cards in return. As she read each one, her heart became filled up with love. It was nice, for a change, that her friends were the ones who made her full of love. It helped her feel less dependent on guys to make her happy. As she got down to the last e-card, she saw it was from a new guy friend who sat at her table in science class. She opened it with excitement wondering what he said. She saw “I love you too.” What? He doesn’t even really know me… She was a bit confused about this, but decided not to think much of it. He was probably just being nice, she told herself.

Over the next few weeks, they started talking in class and over AIM (they already had each other’s screen names through mutual friends). At her science table, he sat directly across from her, and would constantly stretch his legs out. He took up so much leg room she had no choice but twist her legs around her chair. She got tired of this and decided to start a leg space war with him.

She looked under the table and saw he was stretched out. Perfect. He’s fallen into my trap. She slowly lifted up her legs till they reached the top of the table, and were directly above his feet. She pushed her feet downwards, till she felt something squish into the floor. That’ll show him. He jumped with pain and looked at her with evil squinted eyes.  She glared back and gave him a “in your face!” look. Turning to face the teacher, and feeling very clever about herself, she noticed his feet moved back into her territory. Only this time her feet were on top of his. What’s he up to? Before she knew what happened, she felt a sharp pain on her knees. A huge “thud” echoed in the classroom. He had jerked his feet up, ramming her knees into the top of the desk. “Ha Ha!” Laugh all you want, this isn’t over.

 She began to look forward to their foot wars, she found it quite entertaining. For a while, they continued to fight over space, but eventually they made peace. She would use his feet as cushions, instead of slamming them into the ground, as long as he didn’t jolt her knees into the table. Still, sometimes they re-started their war just for fun.

It turned out they enjoyed talking to each other, and never let a bad or boring conversation stop them. They talked at school, but most of their important conversations took place on AIM and through email. Their emails were about the most random things, like how cute kittens are, or at what age they thought they would die. In almost every email, she asked him who he liked, not necessarily because she was interested, but because that’s what she liked to talk about with all her guy friends. “Can’t tell you.” He responded every time she asked. No matter the topic or question, “Love you” was written at the end of every email and aim conversation.

He’d instant messaged her, “Sup?” “How was ur day?” She’d type in her red colored font. “Fine,” He’d respond. Short and sweet like always. “Cool. Wut’d u do?” she’d ask. “School. How was your day?” Normally it would go on like this for a while, but today, today was different. “Will you be my girlfriend?” he typed and hit enter. She read it. Her eyes grew wide, her heart beat grew faster and faster, all she could hear was “thump thump” in her ears. She started to blush a bright pink. She looked around her messy living room to see if her parents were watching her, they weren’t. She didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know how she felt. She panicked and signed off. She kept the instant message box open, and stared at the question on the blue screen, hoping it would disappear if she stared hard enough. It didn’t. She reached for her ugly gray phone, and let her fingers press the soft numbers they remembered by touch. “Hey!” Her heart quit pounding. She was so glad to hear a familiar voice. “Hi.” She responded sprinting to her room. “I need help.” Her friend listened intently, for about twenty seconds, and said “You’re saying yes. I’m going to three way him now.” Before anything else could be said she heard a “ring, ring, ring. Hello?” Oh my God! Oh man! I can’t breathe! “Hi, it’s me. I was just calling because umm… my computer shut me off of aim…” AHH! He knows I’m lying!  “So I just uhh… wanted to say that umm… yes… to the uhh… question you asked.” In through the nose, out through the mouth. “Ok. Sounds good.” That’s all he’s going to say?  “Alright, so I’ll talk to you later. Bye,” she said. “Bye,” he responded. Her friend hung up the phone. “Thanks,” she said in a weary voice to her friend as they hung up. She dropped down on her bed and rested her head on her pillow, she felt emotionally drained.

She was nervous. She now had a boyfriend waiting for her at school. How am I suppose to act? Is anything going to be different?  Questions filled her head, making her more and more anxious.

She found that things were a little different at school. Her boyfriend would come over to her at lunch, and eat with her and her friends, sometimes he even brought his own friends with him. They would cuddle; she would lean her head and body on his chest, and he would support her by wrapping his arm around her stomach. She loved when he held her stomach. They would make an effort to see each other at school as often as possible. Even though these were big steps for both of them, they were still too shy to kiss, talk on the phone, and hang out together without friends around. They both needed a push, and that’s exactly what they got.

One day, she had a friend over at her house. They were going to go ice skating later, so to pass the time till they left her friend watched t.v, and she talked to her boyfriend on AIM. She became bored talking to him, so she let her friend talk to him instead. One thing led to another, and soon their first date was planned…by her friend. He and his friend were going to go ice skating with them. “Oh no! What did you do?!” She asked freaking out. “You’ll be fine. I’ll be there.” Her friend reassured her. “I hope you’re right.” She said with a worried look on her face.    

“I’ll be back to pick you up at 10.” Her dad yelled to her as she closed the car door. Her and her friend bought their tickets, and rented their skates. They sat down on a black, cold bench and began to lace them up. “Hey.” She heard a familiar voice and looked up. She saw it was her boyfriend, and standing next to him, his friend. “Hey!” She stood up to hug him, but lost her balance. She started to fall over, but he caught her. “Thanks.” She said smiling and feeling a bit embarrassed. “Ha, no problem.” He responded. She finished putting on her skates, and all four of them strutted out to the rink, ready to skate.

It was 10 o’clock on the dot. She glanced at her phone. Her dad was calling. It was time for her to go. She turned to her boyfriend, “My dad’s here. I have to… go.” She wondered what he was going to do. This is his chance. KISS ME. Do it now. Is he going to say bye, or will he do it? Please just kiss me. They stood still on the cold ice, only inches separated them. He started to lean in. YES! He’s going to do it!” His lips moved towards hers. She could feel his soft warm breath on her frozen cheek. Almost there…  She stared in awe as his lips passed straight by hers, and his arms reached around her back. He hugged her. Asshole. She hugged back, then pulled away. If he’s not going to do it, then I will. She leaned into his warm body, and tilted forward balancing on the tips of her ice skates, so she was tall enough to reach his face. She puckered up her lips, gently pressed them onto his, and waited. Wow his lips are cold. This is nice… wait why isn’t he leading?! I don’t know how to lead! I made the first move, why can’t he just… ARG! I don’t believe this! She sighed in her mind, what are we going to do? Where is this even going?  They stood there with their eyes shut tight, and their lips still locked in a kiss, neither of them knowing what to do. She moved back, freeing her lips from his. “Bye.” She said. She skated off the ice rink, threw her skates off her aching feet, put on her shoes, and ran to her car.

Looking back, she should’ve known their relationship wasn’t going to work. Both of them were too shy. It was going to end in disaster and heartbreak. But they tried to hold on, they felt their “I love yous” were strong enough to keep them together and happy. But she needed more than he could give her, and neither of them knew until it was too late.

A couple months later, she was on her beloved AIM, chatting away when all of a sudden she saw a familiar font pop up on a new box. It wasn’t her boyfriend, but the boy who broke her heart. “Hey. So how’s the boyfriend?” he asked.  She read it slowly and her heart beat a little faster. “Fine.” She responded coolly. What does he want? “So I was wondering if you maybe wanted to go ice skating with me tonight?” Shit. What do I do? I know if I go it wont be good. I have a boyfriend. I love him. Why am I hesitating to say no? Why do I have such a strong desire to go?  “Hmm… I don’t know.” She typed out of curiosity to see what he would say, to see if he actually wanted her to go. She knew from the moment he instant messaged her she would say yes to any question he happened to ask. “Pleeeeeease : ( “ He responded. Reading this, she couldn’t help but smile one of those half smiles that spreads throughout your face. “I guess.” What am I getting myself into?

She watched from outside of a blue building as her dad drove off and disappeared into the dark night. She turned to head inside, but heard her name called by a smooth sounding voice. She stopped, she began to feel dizzy, her head became light, her throat started closing up, it was hard to swallow, her heart was racing. She felt a soft friendly touch on her arm, and everything stopped. “Hey, so I was thinking maybe we could go off some place and then come back to go ice skating later.” He said. “Where?” she asked. “Just maybe for a walk around or something, you know, so we can talk.” He looked deep into her eyes. How could she say no. She began walking. He followed right behind her, and then slowly slipped his fingers in between hers. She didn’t stop him. They walked about a half a block down, and when they came to an abandoned building he stopped. “I have to pee.” He said. “Umm… okay, want to walk back?” She asked not really knowing how to respond. “No, here’s fine, don’t look.” He said as he walked inside the fenced off building. How romantic, I get to listen to him pee. Maybe I should pee too… it’ll be an experience, a story I can tell my kids. She decided it was just better to wait and pee later. Getting tired of waiting, she headed over to the blue wall of the building, and leaned her back against it. He popped out, “All done.” She began to move away from the wall when he came and pressed his body against hers. They began to kiss, and soon he was the only thing on her mind and body.

The bell rang like it always did. Everyone got up and headed to the door. She noticed her boyfriend left the classroom in a rush (one of those I’m trying not to look like I’m in a rush rushes). She didn’t really think much of it. She herself took her time packing her binder into her backpack, and when she was done she slowly walked to the classroom door, feeling no need to rush. She passed through the door of the classroom ready to turn left and walk down the stairs (like always) when she saw him waiting next to the door. He lifted up his head, saw it was her, and looked at her with an expression she wasn’t used to… an expression that gave her a weird feeling. She wasn’t exactly sure what kind of feeling it was but she knew she didn’t like it. It started in her stomach, a queasy feeling, and worked up to her heart, becoming an achy, sore hurt. He let his head sink back down. Trying to ignore the feeling, she couldn’t help but think about how cute it was he had waited for her after class. Right at that moment she remembered they were mad at each other. He had randomly started a fight with her. He made mean, rude, hurtful comments, and she didn’t know why. Why did he all of a sudden decide to be mean? Is this who he really is? Did I do something?  The only thing she knew was that she had to be mean back to protect herself. She actually treated it as a game (later realizing she hated this game and never would play it again); a mean remark is made, a smarter more clever remark is retorted back, that’s how the game was played. She began to walk past him, hesitating to make eye contact with him (just in case that weird feeling came back), She looked hard for something to stare at, the gray ugly wall, no. The disgustingly dirty windows, no. Look down at the stairs, no, I can’t look down, I have to show my strength. Ah! The paintings. Perfect. He lifted himself off the wall, and walked next to her, not as close as they used to walk, but not as far apart as strangers would walk. Secretly she hoped this meant their fight was over. There was pure silence as they walked side by side, both desperately avoiding making eye contact with each other. It wasn’t a comfortable silence many couples can have, it wasn’t a “we just met and are becoming friends silence” either, it was confused and heavy, a “you have to read my mind if you want to know what I’m thinking” silence, not even that, it was a thick mixture of emotions that had been held in but now were ripping themselves out of the hearts they belonged to. It was a silence that wasn’t owned, but shared between the two of them. A silence that represented much of their relationship. She hated this more than anything and became more and more nervous as it continued. Desperation filled her body, and left her with the unspeakable option she didn’t really want to do, but knew she should. She turned her head, and looked at him. At the time she thought as soon as she looked at him, he was going to break up with her, their silence told her so. But no, that wasn’t it, this was his way of making an effort to fix what went wrong, but not exactly knowing how to. He did want to fix it, even though it wasn’t his fault, none of it was, but yet he felt they were something worth fixing, something he wanted to save. Not knowing this, not being able to tell this was what he was thinking, what he wanted, she spoke. “So… How… uhh… are you…?” What?! That’s the best I could come up with?! Stupid brain! Or heart! One of you!  He quickly glanced at her, and responded quietly, “Fine.” Greaaaat. I like how detailed that response was. Very meaningful, seeing as how we haven’t talked in like forever. Aren’t you going to ask how I am? Guess not. His response reminded her why she cheated on him in the first place. She felt that there was just no going back to how they were. They were too shy. She didn’t know why he was mad. She didn’t ask, he didn’t tell. How can this relationship work if we’re not willing?  It’s just not possible. She was stuck. She loved him with all her heart, and he loved her. But it just wasn’t enough for her. She needed more. It was impossible for them to move forward if their relationship stayed how it was. She took a deep breathe. She knew what she had to do. She stared at him intensely until he felt the burn of her eyes and looked back at her. She gathered all the strength she had and opened her mouth, “I think we should break up.” “Ok,” he responded and walked away. He didn’t even make an effort to stay with me. He doesn’t even care. He didn’t try. I guess I didn’t mean anything to him. It’s really over. She wanted him to fight for her. He didn’t.

Many months later, she found out he knew that she cheated on him. Even though he made it seem like her unfaithfulness didn’t affect him, many of their mutual friends told her differently. Hearing that he actually cared made her feel so guilty. She apologized to him over and over, and even though he forgave her, she never felt better. She could never forgive herself. Continuing to feel horrible about what she had done, her self confidence drastically lowered. She started seeing all her bad qualities. She felt selfish and stupid. She was a terrible person. She didn’t deserve her friends, and she didn’t deserve to be happy. She knew she couldn’t stay in this mind set forever, but she didn’t know how to get out of it.

At first she regretted cheating on her first love. If she could, she would take back her mistake in a second. But over time, she slowly was able to turn this experience into something she could learn from. She discovered more of who she was, and started to change what she didn’t like about herself. She tried to make herself strong and independent. She learned to listen and use better judgment. She now knew she was not the type of person who cheats. She would never hurt someone she loved again.