It was the longest drive home I could remember. My brother David picked me up from rehearsal in my dad’s truck. My mother said she wasn’t going to work today; my dad had been at home for a couple of months now since he lost his job. It was dead silence in the car. I was playing back everything in my head of what happened today. I was trying to figure out the awkward tension that was going on between me and my brother.

“David why are you so quiet?”

“Um…see that’s the thing, now when I tell you this try not to overreact or panic... just hear me out.”

The silence scared me. I had never heard my brother speak of something that important. I couldn’t trick myself saying its good news due to the expression on his face.

    We’re passing the Carquinez Bridge and my bother hands the toll taker the money and the cold wind slaps me in the face as we drove by.

“So what is it about?” I asked

“It’s about mom…”he replied

I told myself it couldn’t be that serious but then looking back on previous conversations with my dad and me, I began to realize in those conversations he was hinting about something. He kept saying he was stressed and how he couldn’t tell me why. He kept mentioning that it was the worst thing that could’ve ever happened to him. When my brother said it was about mom, automatically my mind went to the worst based off the previous conversations with my father. I started to wonder if my brother was going to tell me what my dad had been hinting about. He looked at the steering wheel and then looked down to the ground,

“Mom was diagnosed with cancer.”

Everything stopped. I couldn’t feel for a moment. Everything stopped. Immediately I went into doubt. Nothing was said, just those words. All I remember was looking down at the ground and no emotions appeared. I was empty.

“What kind of cancer?” I asked

“Lymphatic and Cervical cancer.”

At the time I didn’t understand what that meant; I was too distraught to understand. Questions flowed but nothing came out. I didn’t want to upset my brother because I knew going into detail would only make the situation worse. I knew telling me his little sister must have been extremely hard so I just held everything to myself.

     We finally arrived home and my brother told me not to get out of the car. There was something he needed to tell me.

“When you go inside, be cool ok, because this is the 1sr day mom is on chemotherapy.”

“What? Wait how long have you known this, it doesn’t add up that she would get her treatments today unless you’re known for a while.”

“Well I found out 2 days ago but mom and dad knew since April.”

It’s the middle of June! I just got done with sophomore year heading to my junior year. Well at least she didn’t tell me in April otherwise I would have failed all my finals and had to repeat a bunch of classes adding more stress. My brother continues…

“ …so when you go in there, just be cool, act like nothing happened because she’s going through a lot right now and we need to be strong for her.”

Trying to gather all this information, I walked up to the door and opened it. There she was sitting on the couch with some kind of blue machine hooked up to her and tubes in her arms. She looked very tired and stressed, but when I walked in she smiled and hugged me. I looked at her face and it was almost like yesterday never came. Yesterday she was fine, healthy, and everything, but today was like yesterday never existed and will never exist again. When I looked in my mom’s eyes I longed for yesterday but it disappeared while I was standing there. She sat me down and explained everything to me.

“I know that this is hard for you but I need you, I need you to be strong. As you know I have cancer and it’s funny because the doctors can’t figure out how I got this cancer…”

I was fighting back tears and the feeling of frustration trying not to cry.

“…and I know just as much as you do…not much, well not enough as I should know.”

She gave me papers and everything explaining to me what the 2 cancers were. I hugged her and went to my room. After I went to my room and cried, I prayed to God and asked why this happening but most of all I prayed is so that God can give her the strength and make her better. I sit on reflection that my father had lost his job, my brother and my dad recently got in a rollover car accident, and now my mother has cancer. What could you ask for to be worst.

     It was mid June and it was time to start Young Musicians Program(YMP). I got my schedule, went to class at 8:40 am and left at 6:30pm, sometimes later. I was a triple major in 3 different genres but felt more like 50. I am an R&B, Classical, jazz vocalist, jazz pianist, and songwriter/composer. Everyday I had theory class, rehearsals, and lessons. I was overly stressed, tired, and ready to give up in hope and in everything, but I kept moving. At home, nobody really talked about the situation with my mom, so I had no outlet except my music but this was too deep, I couldn’t handle putting it on paper or make a song about it and forget it. The thought of my mother dying scared me.

    I was at Cal Berkeley at YMP one day walking