Amanda Loo

Homecoming

            It was only April, but they were already moving for the second time that year. Toby had been seeing the signs all week. Liv had taken to gazing out the window for long periods of time, her eyes looking at a faraway something that Toby could never see.

Liv didn’t know what she was looking at herself, just that it was far away, and that she wanted to be far away too. Being cooped up made her feel fitful and incomplete, and when she wasn’t sitting still, she blazed through the house with a restless, manic energy, cooking, cleaning, and starting projects that were never finished. One night Toby woke up to find a note on the kitchen table that read “Out walking” and his mother gone, as if the house were too small to hold her.

On a grey afternoon, not long after Liv’s midnight excursion, Toby opened the door to their house and nearly tripped over a duffel bag lying on the other side. He caught himself in time, and stepped gingerly over the rest of the bags lying in the entrance hall.

Liv stuck her head out from the kitchen. “Good, you’re home,” she said. “You mind taking those out to the car? I’m frying eggs.”

            “Sure.” He hoisted one over his shoulder. “Where are we going this time?”

            She grinned. “I was thinking somewhere warm. And sunny. I’m sick of all this rain.” She tilted her head at him. “How does Arizona sound to you?” she asked.

            “It sounds warm,” Toby grunted as he shouldered another bag, “and we’ve never been that far west.” He straightened.  “Don’t forget your eggs.”

            Liv looked blank. “What?” she said.

Toby pointed to the kitchen. “On the stove,” he said. “They’re going to burn.”

As Toby walked through the front door he could hear Liv cursing softly from the kitchen behind him.

He threw the bags in the trunk and slammed the lid shut, wincing at the rusty shriek. They had gone through the moving ritual for as long as he could remember. He would come home from school to find their packed bags waiting by the door and Liv making sandwiches in the kitchen, and he would know that it was time to move on. Liv would slap the top slices of bread on the sandwiches, throw their bags in the car, and they’d take off, sometimes heading north or south, but usually with their sights set on the west. Liv would drive for a few days, or weeks, or until she was tired. Then they’d stop and she’d get a job as a waitress or a clerk – anything she could get that would support the both of them.

Sometimes they would stay with Liv’s friends. She seemed to have an innumerable amount, from all corners of the country. Liv always said, “If you like people, they like you.” Her friends were always happy to host them, but most often they would get an apartment on their own.

When Toby was six they had lived with Grandma Madge for nearly two years, the longest time Toby could ever remember staying in one place. Madge was small and bony, with a raspy voice left over from her days as a smoker. She didn’t look much like what Toby thought a grandma should be and, though she no longer smoked, she always smelled of menthol, but she told him stories, so he loved her just the same.

Toby’s favorite stories were the ones about Liv, when she had been his age. “Your mother was always flighty,” Madge told him, “even as a girl. In the summertime, when she didn’t have school, she would take off soon after breakfast to go exploring and wouldn’t come back ‘til it was time for dinner. She’d pack a lunch so she could stay out all day and everything. I would have worried, but if there’s one thing your mother knows how to do, it’s how to take care of herself.” Madge shook her head. “That girl. I never did understand why she could never stay in one place. I don’t know if she knows it either.”

Later that evening, Madge’s words still in his mind, Toby had asked Liv why they had never settled down. Instead of answering him, she took him out to the car and sat him in the front seat while she rummaged through a box of tapes in the back. When she found the one she wanted, she came and sat next to him in the driver’s seat and played it for him. She pulled Toby into her lap and rocked him as Willie Nelson warbled through the tape player.

On the road again

Goin’ places that I’ve never been

Seein’ things that I may never see again,

And I can’t wait to get on the road again.

Liv hummed along and stroked Toby’s hair. In the moonlight her face was pale and smooth; Toby thought it looked like porcelain. He wondered if it would be cold and hard to the touch. Toby remembered looking at it until the rocking and humming put him to sleep.

*          *          *

 “Get your feet off the dashboard,” said Liv. “You’ll knock over Mary.”

She checked to see that there was no oncoming traffic, then reached her hand out and pushed against the statuette’s forehead. The base came off the dashboard with a ripping sound, and Mary rocked back alarmingly on her heels. “All her stick’s coming off.”

Toby picked Mary up and ran his thumb over her smooth white face. Liv liked to say that Grandma Madge had given Mary to her when Toby was born. “She was reminding me to be a good mother to you, just as Mary was to her son,” Liv explained. “She’s here to guide us through the times of trouble.”

Mary had become their talisman, and they rubbed her cheek whenever they thought they would need some luck. After ten years of rubbings, her features were wearing away, but they were as patient as ever.

Liv plucked Mary out of Toby’s hands. There was a small circle where Mary had been standing on the dusty dashboard, and Liv set her firmly down there. She pushed to make sure the statuette would stay. Toby drummed his fingers against the dashboard. “Where are we stopping tonight?” he asked.

“A college friend of mine lives out here. I talked to her before we left, and we can stay with her. Check for Prescott on the map.”

Toby dug through the debris on the car floor. They had been on the road for four days, and the floor was covered with fast food wrappers and dog-eared paperbacks. He found the map under a pile of napkins and shook it out. Cracker crumbs fell on to his lap.

“The exit should be coming up soon. Ten minutes, maybe.”

Liv turned on the radio, and Paul Simon’s voice floated out of the speaker, filling the car. Toby rested his forehead against the cool glass of the window and watched the world flash past outside – the lonely gas stations scattered at intervals along the highway, the motels with neon VACANCY signs pulsing in the darkness, then the clusters of golden lights that signified a town.

Sometimes, when the motion of the car rocked him to sleep, he would dream about the people in those towns. The dream was always the same. He would be sitting down to dinner in one of the golden houses. They were all there; his mother, Madge, and others he had conjured to fill the gaps at the table – aunts and uncles that didn’t exist, cousins his mind imagined into being, the father who had died when he was a baby, and whose face he could never remember when he woke.

They would gather around the table. His uncles would joke with him, slapping him hard on the back and roaring with laughter when they sent him pitching forward. He and his cousins would fight over who would sit at the head of the table, but he would always win. His father would sit to his left, and his mother would sit on his right. Dear, she would say to his father, why don’t you say grace? Beaming, she would reach for Toby’s hand, and he would move to take hers. But the moment their hands touched he would jerk awake, and he would be left grasping at empty air.

Toby stared at the black highway and the pale reflection of his face in the glass. He shut his eyes. Homeward bound, wish I was homeward bound, crooned Simon.

*          *          *

They had rolled into Prescott not long after dark, and Liv called and asked Adriana for directions to her house. She made Adriana repeat them three times as she scribbled on a paper napkin, but she had gotten them wrong anyway, and they ended up on the wrong side of town.

Liv scanned street signs, hoping to find a name that matched the directions on her napkin, but nothing fit. The neighborhood they were in was full of houses with sprawling porches and neatly trimmed lawns.

Toby had been quiet since the highway, so she was surprised when he spoke up. “There,” he said, tapping on his window. “Ask them.”

Liv followed his finger. An elderly couple was moving slowly down the sidewalk towards them. Even in the darkness it was apparent that they were impeccably dressed, the man in a smartly cut suit and the woman in a stylish dress and pumps.

They probably lived in one of these houses, Liv thought, the one with the largest porch and the neatest lawn.

When she pulled up next to them, she saw their eyes sweep up and down the car, taking in its appearance. Liv remembered that the car was coated in four day’s worth of highway dust. She remembered the rust spot and the peeling paint that she had always meant to get fixed. Liv clenched the napkin in her hand and wished she had stopped someone else for directions.

When she uncurled her hand, the napkin was moist and crumpled. She tried to smooth it out against her leg while the couple waited patiently.

“Excuse me, I’m a bit lost,” said Liv, smiling brightly. “I was wondering if you could help me find this address.” She held out her limp napkin.

The man bowed his head politely and said, “Of course.” He took the napkin, but there was a moment of hesitation that Liv did not miss. She wished more than ever that she had stopped someone else.

While the man puzzled over the directions, the woman’s eyes lingered on the junk that coated the car’s floor. A crease developed between her eyebrows as her eyes moved across the dusty dashboard and deepened when she saw the remains of their lunch lying by Toby’s feet. In the darkness, Liv could see Toby’s chin start to jut out defiantly. The woman shifted to her gaze to their bags lying in the backseat, then to Toby’s flushed, defensive face.

“What?” he said loudly. Liv thought she could feel the heat of his embarrassment radiating off his body.

“I- I was just looking,” the woman stuttered, caught off guard. She regained her composure slightly. “I was wondering where you had come from. You seem to have been on the road for quite a while,” she explained. Liv rolled her eyes at this backhanded remark. Judging by the compressed line of Toby’s lips, he had caught it too.

Toby opened his mouth indignantly.

“Did you figure out the directions?” Liv cut in hastily.

The man bent down to the car window. “I think I know where you went wrong,” he said, pointing at something on the napkin. “If you have a pen, I could draw you new ones.”

Liv breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank you,” she said, and dug in the glove compartment for a pen.

Toby flopped back in his seat and shut his eyes. The man flipped the napkin over and wrote the directions, using the roof of the car as a desk. When he finished, Liv studied them, and thanked him again.

The couple turned and continued down the street. They were a few meters off, when the woman spoke, but her words drifted clearly through the still-open window. “That car,” she said, her voice accented with disbelief, before she disappeared around the corner.

Toby inhaled sharply, eyes still closed, and let it out in a long breath. Liv bit her lips. She wanted to take his hand, but his arms were folded on his chest. Instead, she pulled Mary off the dashboard and ran her thumb across Mary’s face. She leaned her head against the window, looking at the empty street and her own face, disembodied, floating in the darkened glass. Guidance, she thought, is exactly what I need.

*          *          *

When they got to Adriana’s, Toby asked where his room was and disappeared upstairs as soon as he could. Liv called out goodnight, but was answered by the click of his bedroom door.

Adriana clucked sympathetically. “That age, huh?” she said, and stared up the stairs after him. “Must have been helluva drive with that in the car.” She studied Liv. “Come on, I’ll make you some iced tea. You look beat.”

In the kitchen Liv slumped at the table while Adriana pulled glasses out of cupboards and boiled water on the stove. Liv rubbed her hands across her face and groaned out loud.

Adriana came and sat next to her. “Hey,” she said gently, “what’s the matter?”

“I don’t think I’ve been a very good mother,” said Liv softly. “All this moving… I never thought he minded, but you should have seen him today. There was this woman – this awful woman – that we stopped for directions, and the whole time she was just, just, looking down her nose at us. And Toby was ashamed. Of the car. Of us.”

“I never knew he was so ashamed,” she said miserably, “but I guess I never asked.”

Adriana put her hand on Liv’s arm. “Don’t be so hard on yourself, Liv,” she said. “He probably didn’t mind so much before. But he’s – what twelve, thirteen?”

“Fourteen last month.”

“Anyways, around now, kids start needing a constant in their lives. I mean, being a teenager is hard enough without having to uproot every few months.”

“Right,” said Liv with a choked laugh. “Of course you’re right.” She ran her a hand through her hair and said, “But what am I supposed to do?”

“Look,” said Adriana, “stay here for a while. I have the room, and I think it would be good for the both of you. We can get you a job, get Toby in school, and I think everything would work out.”

Adriana got to her feet. “Now, up,” she said commandingly. She held out a hand to Liv.

“Why?” said Liv, startled.

“Because, you’re going upstairs, and you’re going to talk to your son,” said Adriana. “Up.”

Liv stared at the hand Adriana was offering. She thought of Toby, of how one night a very long time ago she had rocked him to sleep in their car, the radio playing softly in the background. She thought of Mary on the dashboard, her pale face glowing in the moonlight, hands clasped in prayer.
            “Alright,” said Liv and took Adriana’s hand. “Alright.”

*          *          *

Toby heard footsteps on the stairs, then a knock on the door. It opened and Liv said quietly, “Toby, can I talk to you?”

He slowed his breathing, hoping she would think he was asleep. For a moment he thought she would leave, but her footsteps moved closer, and he felt the bed tilt as she sat down.

“I know you’re awake,” she said.

Reluctantly he opened his eyes. In the dim light his mother’s face was pale and drawn.

“I need to talk to you, Toby.”

“Okay,” he said, and sat up. Liv swung her legs onto the bed, leaning on the headboard next to him.

“I was talking to Adriana,” said Liv, “and I was thinking.” She paused.

“I was thinking we could try something new,” she said slowly. “What do you think of settling down in Prescott? For a while, I mean, not just for a few months. I thought maybe you could start high school here. Adriana says they have a good school system, and she’s offered to let us stay with her. If we want.”

Toby was quiet, and his mother shifted uncomfortably on the bed. “If you want, really. I thought that after today you might want to,” she said and fell silent.

Liv sighed.

“I’m sorry, Toby,” she said and took his hand, enveloping it with hers. This time he didn’t jerk awake, didn’t reach out to touch what ended up being nothing. He was surprised that her skin was so warm and soft, warmer than he had expected. He squeezed her hand experimentally and was pleased when she squeezed back.

Toby looked Liv in the eyes. Her eyes were dark and anxious, asking him a question she couldn’t bring herself to say out loud.

“It’s alright,” he said, squeezing again to show that he understood. “It’s alright,” he repeated.

Liv let out a breath Toby hadn’t realized she had been holding. “Then you want to stay?” she asked.

He nodded, and even in the dim light he could see her smile.

*          *          *

Liv fell asleep soon after their conversation, but Toby stayed awake awhile longer. He wondered if they would stay in Prescott or if they would end up moving on as they always did. Liv had said that they would stay, but it wasn’t a promise, and he wasn’t sure if she would ever be able to settle down. In the end though, he squeezed her hand and decided it didn’t matter.

Toby lowered himself onto the pillow and shut his eyes. He could hear Liv breathing softly in and out beside him. When he fell asleep their fingers were still intertwined, and they would stay that way until morning.