The long grey nose hair protruding from his left nostril caught his attention as he tilted his head back and looked in the mirror. He immediately pulled out his tweezers from his pocket and removed the hair with a deep satisfaction. He looked into his pale reflection as if he was waiting for an answer.
“BEEP BEEP BEEP. BEEP BEEP BEEP,” his alarmed watch screamed.
Time to get the mail.
He walked out the front door, making sure to open and close it eleven times before leaving the house. As he walked to the mailbox, his thick-soled Oxfords carefully avoided the cracks in the sidewalk. He stood before the mailbox. “M-A-I-L-B-O-X,” he said aloud.
“Morning, Mr. Clea,” shouted the rotund mailman.
“Morning,” Leonard replied like always.
When he realized he had received eleven pieces of mail, he got tingles in his hands that crept up his arms. He walked back inside, looking down and opened and closed the door again, eleven times.
“BEEP BEEP BEEP. BEEP BEEP BEEP.”
Time for Didi.
Leonard smiled to himself. His favorite show – well the only one he ever watched - was on. The Didi Diamond Show. Leonard rushed toward his white couch, plunking himself down. He turned on the television. His manicured hands wildly applauded with the audience as Didi Diamond gracefully strode to her white chair.
“Hi, I’m Didi Diamond, and today we’re all lucky because our special guest is Will Smith! He will be telling us all about his new movie ‘I Am Legend.’ But first we’ll have a Sweet Second with Rachel Ray!” The audience applauded, but Leonard saved his claps for Didi.
Rachel Ray walked out, frantically waving, and seemed to be salivating as she described holiday pies. Leonard imagined himself sitting next to Didi Diamond in that big white chair.
He closed his eyes and imagined inhaling Didi’s aroma of narcissus and marshmallows. Her raspy voice made his pants rise and he blushed to himself. Her deep brown eyes were soft like chocolate and her hair was playfully decorated with ringlets that he wanted to pull on and watch spring back.
“Thank you, Rachel. I’m sure we’ll all try your recipes because, audience, we left copies of them under your seats!” Didi exclaimed with excitement.
The camera shot to the audience members who were retrieving recipes and cooking utensils from under their chairs. Didi Diamond always gave the audience something special to take home.
“Now let’s give a warm welcome to Will Smith!”
Will Smith walked out, wearing sunglasses and a sharp suit. The audience went crazy, especially the women, who made up most of the audience anyway.
Will and Didi embraced. Leonard’s anxiety arose in his body like vomit.
“S-T-O-P,” Leonard hissed at the television, and threw the remote in rage. It hit the tiny Didi Diamond, producing a noise louder than Leonard had expected. “Oh, I am so sorry, Didi - I did not mean to hit you!” Leonard rushed toward the screen and kissed Didi, and then rushed back to his white couch.
After all the energy in the studio had dissipated, Didi turned to Will Smith with a giggle.
“So, Will, how does it feel to have been in the entertainment industry for so long? This is, what, your 25th movie?”
“Yeah, I have been doing this for a while, but it never gets old; it’s what I love to do,” Will said coolly.
“Your first time on camera was on The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air, right?” Didi asked, smiling.
Leonard could not handle watching Didi so smitten. He wanted to turn the television off, but he needed his daily dose of Didi Diamond. Leonard held up his index and middle fingers in front of his face and squinted one eye, blocking out Will’s figure.
At the end of the show Didi made an announcement that she would be coming to Sunnyvale, about 22 miles away from Leonard, to tape an upcoming show. Leonard screeched at the news. He hurried to his computer. He had to get the tickets before anyone else so he could get a seat in the front. Before turning on the computer he quickly spun around in his chair eleven times, feeling dizzy and hot, as if he had the flu. After turning on the computer, he clicked on Didi’s website from his favorites menu. He purchased a ticket in the front row for $140. The show would be in two weeks.
“BEEP BEEP BEEP. BEEP BEEP BEEP.”
Time to take a shower.
Leonard took 3 showers a day - the first, right after he awoke at 9:02, the second at 1:46 and the third before bed, at 11:00.
As Leonard stood in the hot shower, he scrubbed himself with a white lufa, producing an abundance of puffy suds. He looked up at the fogged up glass that held him in cleanliness. He retraced her name with his raisin-like finger.
“D-I-D-I D-I-A-M-O-N-D,” he said aloud, as he rewrote her name on the glass.
“BEEP BEEP BEEP. BEEP BEEP BEEP.”
Time to get out of the shower.
As he stepped out he had a sudden urge to flick the water on to the shower curtain just so he could hear the noise of the water against the plastic. He tried to fight this urge, but it itched deep down and he could not resist. He knew it was a bit absurd but his mind just yelled DO IT until he did. His face squished up with frustration. He flicked his freshly showered foot, spraying water onto the curtain. “Ahhh,” he sighed with satisfaction.
This was a new tic. He had never felt compelled to do that before. He frowned as he looked in the mirror. “S-T-U-P-I-D,” he yelled in rage.
....………………………………………………………
“BEEP BEEP BEEP. BEEP BEEP BEEP.”
Time for Didi.
“I have a surprise for you, audience…” Didi announced with a smile.
Leonard stared with curious eyes at the mini Didi Diamond on his television screen.
“I just got engaged to…well I’ll give you a hint guys…think NBC anchorman…”
“WHAOOOOOO” The crowd went crazy as they realized Didi Diamond was engaged to the smooth and articulate Guy Stewart from NBC evening news.
“I will be bringing him on next week’s show so you can meet him!”
Leonard’s heart dropped. So low that he could feel it in his gut. So low he could feel it sink down as if he could shit it out.
“BEEP BEEP BEEP. BEEP BEEP BEEP.”
Time for lunch. But he did not even look down at his beeping watch.
“BEEP BEEP BEEP. BEEP BEEP BEEP.”
Time to shower. But he did not attend to the invisible germs crawling all over him.
“BEEP BEEP BEEP. BEEP BEEP BEEP.”
Time to file his nails. But he did not attend to his invisible growing cuticles and sharp fingernails. He just sat in the dark in front of an I Love Lucy marathon and he didn’t love Lucy.
The news of the engagement had paralyzed him. Ever since he first saw Didi Diamond’s beautiful face roll by him on the forty-one bus, he started feeling things he had never felt. He knew he had to be near her. He knew he had to touch her. He didn’t recognize these wild emotions, but they took him out of his box. Didi took over his mind, making him forget about his irrational fears of cracks in the cement, dirt and most of all the fear of living spontaneously. With Didi, his actions were compelled by love, rather than by forces beyond his control. He could not just watch her go off with another man. Oh no, he would not let that happen.
………………………………………………………………….
“BEEP BEEP BEEP. BEEP BEEP BEEP.”
Time to get dressed.
Leonard threw on his khaki pants and a cashmere sweater. This was the day he had been waiting for. He was actually going to Didi Diamond’s studio! Leonard was sure he would be her hero after he proved his love for her. He was sure she would fall for him instead of Guy Stewart. He opened his closet door and reached for a small black box. He traced over his father’s engraved name and uncovered the fuzzy dust with his bare hand. He looked disgusted at his dust-covered hand, as if he had just guzzled down some cheap vodka. Inside the box, a small red Swiss Army knife lay, enclosed with a cigar and a newspaper clipping that read “Robert Clea dead – millions go sole male heir.” This was a foreign place. He had never smoked a cigar, or really used a knife unless it was in the kitchen. Leonard placed the innocuous knife in his pocket next to his tweezers with a look of cold determination.
Leonard hurried to the car, oblivious to the cracked sidewalk under his feet. He walked around to the driver’s side, ignoring what appeared to be a film of dirt covering his 1998 Toyota Corolla – it did not look white today. Leonard jumped in the car and threw on his seatbelt. The synthetic lamb fur seatbelt cover caused his chest to itch so he tore it off. As Leonard started the car, he grabbed the steering wheel at a new angle, leaving two spaces at ten and two. Leonard looked unnatural as he drove hunched over. As he got closer to the studio his fury increased. How could Didi do this to me? Who does he think he is? That sleeze ball! He could never love Didi the way I do. I’ll show that greasy headed newsman.
Leonard huffed and puffed with anger as wild thoughts raced through his mind. His stare was bitter and his eyes were wide and stayed that way. He was hypnotized by the adrenaline rush he got as he drove at thirty-two miles per hour, rather than the usual twenty-nine. Finally parking his car in the studio’s lot, he felt his pocket to ensure he had remembered the knife. Leonard’s watch suddenly hissed
“BEEP BEEP BEEP. BEEP BEEP BEEP.”
Time for Didi Diamond.