Absence

I walk almost everywhere. My reasons for doing so are not for personal enjoyment, but simply because there is no Lexis to act as my personal escort service. My Father drives a little white GMC truck that he has had since forever. It reminds me of the little engine that could, flying my dad to San Leandro at five in the morning, then back to West Oakland by eight. He does construction, which receives a lot of complaints from my mom because according to her our house looks like shit.

My mom doesn't drive because she's too paranoid. She once told me that she was in a bad car accident, explaining that's the reason she has to wear glasses. For some reason I don't entirely buy that story, not because she's not trust worthy but just dramatic, very dramatic to say the least.

Unlike me, my Mother loves to walk. Not that she has a choice right? She walks to the movies, to the grocery store, and on weekends when my Dad is not around my little brother and I are lucky enough to join in these tiring missions. All the way up to PakNSave we would trot mourning early for the journey back that awaited us.

I can still feel that gallon of milk weighing down my flimsy little arms, cursing my brother for all the extra shit he begged for. Did his puny brain forget that those pop tarts, hot-pockets, and pints of ice cream weren't gonna magically fly home.

When we arrived home my complaints would not subside, anger always engulfed me. My anger was not necessarily targeted towards my brother and his selfishness even though thoughts of choking him did run through my mind more than a few times. I just don’t like walking and carrying heavy shit. Is that a crime?

My Mom always says I am blessed to be able to walk. I should be happy I could walk home. I guess she forgets that’s after I get on two buses, then I am blessed to walk 4 blocks to my house. When I make complaints such as these, she begins her famous 'at least you have a home rampage'. "You lucky you have a house to walk to. I know you see all them cracked out people sitting on the sidewalk. Do you think they sit there for fun?” Like I said dramatic, very dramatic.

My mind enters cruise control as she continues to speak. Of course they don’t sit there for fun, they fucked up-bad. Her voice begins to give off a sudden irritation, and I don’t know what she has been saying for the past three minutes. I guess she knows I’m not listening. Cruise control off. "I said did you hear me", my Mom bellowed. Hell no I didn’t. Of course I couldn't say that, so instead a "yes Mom" escapes my lips. I learned from seventeen years of going to church that lying is wrong, especially to your parents, but this conversation definitely needed to end.

"Laiha get your ass up and wash dem dishes, I shoulda woke you up at 12:30 in the mornin when I got home". You see what I mean? I hear her footsteps coming towards my room. Here you have 2 choices, you either get yelled at for ten minutes for lying there wide-awake, and not moving or for five minutes just for being asleep.

I take a deep breath and sigh as I get up and begin walking to the kitchen. I understand her anger because I knew damn well dem was my dishes but what I don’t get is how she can yell in the morning because personally I believe there is a time for everything and it is Too Damn Early!! But that’s just my opinion.

“Are you gonna wash the dishes or just play in the water”? Damn she always comes in when I’m spacing out. Do mothers have some type of alert on them or something yelling SLACKER CODE RED!! I pick up another plate and begin to wipe it off quickly. ”No” I say, “the water just feels good”. She gives me a weird look but says nothing, just scrambles about the kitchen moving fast as if she were being productive but that’s not the case. “I have to go to work so I need you to cook the spaghetti and have your brother sweep the floors and dust and don’t forget to wash your clothes…and”. She stops and screws up her face as if she’s thinking really hard about what to say next which I find impossible to believe since she says this same shit every time she’s about to leave the house. “Oh yeah don’t forget to take a shower and brush your teeth and put on your deodorant”. What the hell you don’t need to tell me to take a shower I’m not your husband. “You’re going to your sisters house for Jerisha’s party”.

Hell yes I forgot all about that, now I just have to act like I’m not pleased. “What party her birthday is on Tuesday” I say in a nonchalant tone. “I know” my mom said like she was trying to find the answer to world peace “I don’t know why they chose to have it this Saturday”. Duh because it’s a real party and nobody would come on a Tuesday night. “Me either” I said, “but It’s not my party”. “Yeah It’s not so don’t go over there doing too much”.

Doing too much was exactly what I had in mind. Not even five minutes after my mom was gone I began to terrorize my closet. Tight jeans are a must, and maybe my white button down with my red belt and heels. Humm maybe that will work. I began to undress soon as my phone rang. “At times my mind is blind I cant see anyone but you.” I started to sing along while answering the phone.

“Hey computer love” I smirked into the receiver. “Hey lady I miss you, when can I see you again”? “I miss you too”. I felt like I was going to melt. Here was Dante asking to see me, one of the finest guys at school. I loved watching him play at the basketball games. To tell the truth he was the only true reason I tried out for the cheerleading squad in the first place.

Well anyway he couldn’t have had more perfect timing. “Well actually” I said in an enticing voice “My cousin is having a party tonight and if you really bout seeing me, you should come through”. I took a deep breath, please don’t be busy I mouthed, my silent prayer. “Oh 4real, you don’t know how to dance”. I laughed casually hoping that meant he was going to come. “I know how to dance just come and see”. “Alright Ima come under one condition”. So many thoughts began to run through my mind. Gosh Laiha you’re such a slut. “Oh yeah and what’s that”. “Just look good as usual, you think you can manage that.” “Yeah I got you, so see you later then”. “Bye baby girl”.

The party is in an hour and I have actually managed to get all my shit together. I flat ironed my hair, which took about an hour alone, and got dressed. Now that was the time consuming part. Which is understandable since I changed my mind six times. First it was the jeans and red heels, jeans and my black boots with a silver shirt, and anything else I found bright that I thought would have me looking good as always. I ended up wearing a red sequence dress that my mom bought for me a while back with my silver pumps. Thank god for Steve Madden. My big cousin called to let me know she was on the way, as I checked my make-up in the mirror. Damn I look good; I can’t wait for Dante to see me.

I have become one with the night. The chill, the noise, the shrill excitement of being alive and actually acting like it for once was beyond me. I’m so ready, I have never been more certain about anything in my life.

My cousin and me arrive outside and I can hear the music pounding. I need to dance, I need to be noticed, and feel sexy, gorgeous, beautiful anything tonight. We step inside and I get a rush of excitement. The place is packed wall to wall with girls dancing, guys watching, and closing in slowly.

I scan the party for any sign of Dante without looking franticly, just turning my head slowly first to the right then to the left, Just like a dude not to even be here, he might not even come. I check to see if there are any cute guys here, which turns out to be a negative, at least for me. What a fuckn waste of a dress if he wasn’t going to be here he could have at least said sumthn.

An hour goes by and I’m pissed. I cant believe this shit how could he do this to me, how could he not even have enough consideration to. I could feel my phone vibrating within my purse. Dante’s name popped up on my caller ID. What the hell does he want .If he wanted to talk he should have been here.

. “Hello??” I said with mad attitude. “Look I know you upset I’m sorry baby girl”. He has nerve. “I know you sorry I found that out tonight, so tell me something I don’t know”. “Damn lady, calm down I’m gonna make it up to you”. “How do you plan on doing that oh honey dear”? “Aww come on don’t be sarcastic, look just come outside”. “I don’t know if I should do that because last time you said you were going to be somewhere it didn’t happen. It wasn’t that long ago, actually just a few minutes”. “Look I said I’m sorry now just bring yo sexy ass outside. please”.

I shove my way through the crowd of people still dancing to get to the door. I pull open the door and the cold air welcomes me. Shit it’s freezing and I don’t see. OMG. Right across the street I see Dante standing in front of a Cadillac escalade with roses in one hand. A huge smile spreads across my face and I run across the street straight into his arms.

“I told you I was gonna make it up to you mami”. “Whose car is this?” I asked trying to change the subject. “It’s my friends he let me borrow it, so I can take you out”. Take me out? “Where are we going and who said I wanted to go anywhere with you”. He looked so nice my eyes couldn’t help but travel. “The way you looking at me did”. We both began to laugh. “Yeah you didn’t know you were looking that hard did you”.

His smile was perfect, this moment was perfect, and I wasn’t going to let it slip away. I needed him like never before and I vowed I would have him for myself at this moment. Then I did it, I gave in, and I looked straight into his eyes and didn’t say a word.

“You’re really beautiful Laiha, you know that right”. “Thank you hun”. “Well umm get in, I was going to drive you to the marina so we could look at the water and go for a walk or something”. He came around to open my door and as I got in handed me the flowers. Just then it dawned on me that I didn’t say thank you. “Wait Dante”. He opened the door back. “Yeah?” I pulled him into my lips and kissed him softly, “Thank you, for everything”.

I’m falling in love and I’m scared shitless. He gets in the car and just sits with the keys in his hand like he has no intention of ever starting the car. “Is something wrong”. “I just, I mean, I don’t know”. “You know you can tell me anything right”. “I really care about you Laiha like 4real and I don’t want you to judge me”. “Just say it, I mean it can’t be that bad”.

The look on his face lets me know that it probably is that bad or worse, but I try not to look worried. “I’m bi Laiha”. You cant be fuckn serious? “Seriously, wait, you’re what”. He took a deep breath. “Laiha I am a bisexual, I know I should have told you but.” “Please say you’re just joking, that this is just a bad joke, a really bad joke, but a joke nonetheless”. I looked at his face and prayed for a smile to spread across his face, but instead was caught staring at a gloomy face that knew he had lost me forever.

I don’t know you, I don’t know me, I’m stupid, I fell in love with you, I kissed you, touched you, held you, made love to you, made plans to fuck you, wrote poetry of you, sang to you, dreamed of you, sweated for you, cleansed for you, dressed for you, smiled for you, lied to my parents for you, lied to me for you, became someone else for you.