The night had just begun, but there was already trouble. Amidst the hoard of loud, drunken sexually charged teenagers that was Drake Miller's first party of the year, Josh, who had just entered, saw something that made his stomach turn. Somehow, across the vast sea of people, he managed to spot Becky Johnson and likewise, she saw him.

From everything that Josh knew, it was all but evident that Becky liked him. In the one class they shared, she was constantly asking help when she obviously didn't need it, they always seem to bump into each other in the halls when he was alone, and she would inundate him with requests to go on "harmless" lunch dates. Most guys wouldn't mind this situation, and many would be thrilled to be liked by Becky. She was smart, funny, fairly attractive and had a personality that made her well liked among everyone. Unfortunately for Josh and the rest of the male student body, Becky, unlike Josh, seemed far more wholesome and not nearly as interested in sex as he was. He saw any potential relations ending in the same dead end: cold showers and a lot of tissues and lotion. However, there was absolutely no indication of this. Sure, Becky was the head of the debate team, baked cookies for the elderly, and volunteered in the annual Special Decathalon, but there was no clear cut sign there wasn't the heart a sex panther beating beneath that pristine white dress. Moreover, Josh knew nothing about sexual relationships; he had never been in one or even come close. He was a high school virgin bound to graduate to become a college virgin and in his mind, the last of sad, pathetic, dying breed.

In spite of this, Josh firmly believed in his analysis and exhausted all effort into avoiding Becky at all costs. Perhaps because of his persistent and evident lack of interest, lack of returning phone calls, and above all else, lack of poke reciprocations, Becky gained more interest, much to Josh's dismay.

After a split second of eye contact, the exact amount of time that makes it impossible for either person to know whether they had really looked at one another, Josh pretended not to notice her and looked past her as if trying to locate a friend. Just as he had hoped, she too looked in the same direction trying to locate the same non existent friend. While she was turned, still scanning the area for potential competition, Josh began to move through the crowd away from her. He stumbled through the mass of teenagers, many of which were dancing, half of which were barely clothed. Normally, Josh would be right in the mix, shirt off grinding wildly against a girl who likely had no idea who was behind her. But it was not the time and he forced himself to fight off many opportunities as female asses kept appearing out of nowhere and planting themselves right into his pelvis.

With the only shreds of his manhood that he was able to hold on to, he made it into the adjacent room and looked back into the mess from which he came. He saw Becky not far behind, having considerably less trouble navigating through the quagmire of horny teens. He panicked a little looking around for a place to hide and quickly saw his friend William Decker ( better known as Will Decks), standing behind the bar, alone, looking quizically at a beverage in front of him. Josh ran up to him, slid behind the bar and crouched down.

"I'm not here," he whispered, looking up at Will who didn't break his gaze with the blue concoction.

A few seconds later, Josh heard a familiar voice, "Hi. Have you seen Josh anywhere around here?" His heart stopped momentarily awaiting Will's reply.

"Josh? No, haven't seen him. But can I interest you in a drink?" Before she could reply, he started again, " How about a Sex on the Beach? I just know there's a wild girl in you waiting to let loose." He began to imitate the growl of a tiger and suddenly stopped, "Hey baby, where are you going? This party was just getting started!"

"Is she gone?"

"Yeah, the coast is clear."

"Good," he said as he popped up from behind the bar.

"I'll never understand you. That Becky chick is pretty cute, but you're running away from her as if she has a bear trap hidden in her vagina. Let her touch your no-no's, I promise you won't be disappointed. You're never getting laid with that attitude, maybe never at all."

Josh ignored the remark and changed the direction of the conversation. "What's that?" he asked, nodding at the blue drink.

"Oh, this," he said with a sudden flicker of joy in his eyes. "It's a cocktail I just invented. I call it 'Dexy, Cum Sex Me!'guaranteed to get even the prudest of chicks in bed with you. If you don't believe me, try it. I'm sure you'll like it, it's fruity just like you."

Josh quickly weighed the pros and cons of taking a sip of the suspicious beverage as he grabbed the glass. After he decideding that his desire to get drunk outweighed any suspicion he might have about the cocktail, he took a swallow and immediately, he felt buzzed. "It's good" he said with approval.

"Of course it is, what were you expecting?! I'm gonna need that back though," he exclaimed as he snatched his creation back from Josh. "See, that girl standing there against the wall lookin' like she's not havin any fun? I'm gonna go over there and make sure she has a good time." He pointed at a girl who was completely unfamiliar to Josh. "Don't worry, baby, daddy's here for you," he muttered, walking away.

Partially inspired by the immortal words of William, partially inspired by the sip of the blue cocktail, and partially inspired by the party atmosphere, Josh finally decided it was time to have fun. The night was young and he was determined to go the distance, to go for speed, and to find a woman all alone in a time of need. This was the first party of a year that would define him. The night was his and he was going to take it by the horns and make it his bitch. No matter what anyone said, he was getting laid, at any cost. He turned to a random partygoer and grabbed the cup in his hand. "Gimme that," he commanded sharply. He tossed his head back and quickly drank the contents of the drink. His eyes watered and his face turned red as he choked it down.

"Hey bro I was gon to drin that man! Wha th fuck dude!"

Josh ignored him and dumped the cup on the ground as he allowed to guide him back into the mayhem. The atmosphere was sticky as the music pounded in his ears. A few drinks later, Josh was pleasantly drunk. He had gone from zero to smashed in a little under five seconds and he wanted everyone to know it. He ripped his shirt into three pieces and threw them into the abyss. Inspired by the liquid courage in his system, he jumped on a nearby coffe table and began dancing wildly. He gyrated his skinny shirtless frame as the elastic became increasingly wet from the sweat gushing from his pores. But he didn't care, he was a maniac and he was dancing like he had never danced before.

"TURN THIS SHIT UP," he screamed at the person standing next to the stereo. As the volume increased, so did his intensity.

Abruptly, the music was turned off. Josh looked around as people began moving below him as calls of "Five-Oh!" erupted from the crowd. He looked through a window and saw a pair of red and blue flashing lights. Chaos ensued as everyone rushed the door and every exit point they could find.

Josh jumped down from the table and began scrambling around. He looked to the front door and saw a large cop in his mid forties standing, grabbing kids and hauling him them outside, presumably to his sqaud car. He ran to the back door and saw the same thing. The only way out it seemed was up the stairs to a region of the house he had never even seen before. He ran up, no wasting a minute and stopped at the top. There were five doors and he went for the first. Inside was a couple on a bed.

They instantly noticed him as he walked in. "Get out!" they both shouted simultaneously, pulling covers astray to cover their exposed body parts.

Josh stood there stunned for a moment, unsure exactly as to what he stumbled upon. "Sorry," he said, closing the door and pondering for a second how bizzare it was that a topless man happened to barge in on them. Then he remembered the police. He barged back in with his eyes closed.

"Hey, sorry, but uh…the cops are here." He closed the door once more and continued his journey for a way out. Down below he could still hear the insanity of the fleeing crowd. The next door he opened was thankfully empty, but lead to no direct way out of the house. Except for the open window on the other side of dresser. He dashed over to the open window and looked out. There was a ledge right outside which overlooked the backyard. He peered over the edge to see the cop at the backdoor still wrangling drunken escapees. Over to the right, however, was a garden and beyond which was freedom.The only way out seemed to be straight down fifteen feet. He pulled himself out onto the ledge and immediately felt the frosty wind on his skin, giving him goosebumps. Suddenly, ripping his shirt off in a fit of joy and excitement didn't seem to be a very wise decision.

Before Josh ever got the chance to contemplate the fifteen foot jump into the array of flowers and grass below, his inebriation got the better of him as his foot slipped and he was sent head first over the edge.

He hit the ground with a resounding thud, a sound masked by the ongoing noise of the soon to be ended party. He layed there for a few moments on the damp ground which, apparently had been recently watered. His whole body was aching from the fall, but there was a particular pain in his posterior region as though he had landed on something much harder than the mud in which his entire body was now covered. Lifting his body he saw that jutting out of the ground at an uncomfortable angle was a sprinkler head. Unfortunately for both the sprinkler and Josh's rear end, their meeting was a bit more harsh than either would have liked. The sprinkler was bent, broken, and no longer squirting water with its usual vigor and Josh's ass was in no better condition than that of a prison inmate. However, with freedom only paces away, Josh diverged his attention from the act of sodomy fate performed on him and concentrated on the wall that was preventing him from ending the nightmare which had quickly spun out of control. He approached the brick structure and noticed that it looked far shorter from the window and began thinking of ways to climb over. The sound of nearing footsteps distracted him as two lights shone through bushes which separated the garden from the rest of the estate. Evidently, his plummet from the third story did not go unnoticed.

There was no longer any time for thinking as Josh sprinted to the wall and jumped, grabbing the top of the wall and tossing his body over. For the second time of the night, he was once again laying on his back. This time, however, he was less fortunate as there was nothing but concrete to break his fall. At the very least, he had finally made it out.

The next day of school was its fairly uneventful self. There was no alcohol, no drugs and no public acts of premarital sex. Things resumed and everyone returned to their normal ways. Decker forged more teachers notes, Becky baked more fund raising cookies, and Josh continued to elude the bake sales.

The natural balance of the mundane lives of teenage students returned until Decker approached Josh in the hall. "Dude," he called, almost whispering, "you will never guess what happened at that party last night."

"Did you get wasted and fuck mad bitches?" Josh responded unenthusiastically, paying more attention to the ant traversing his shoe.

"Well….kinda, but way better. Guess who I hooked up with."

"Dame Judi Dench?" The ant was becoming far more entertaining.

"What? Nah, dude. Mary Jane. Yeah, I shagged Mary Jane. And let me tell you, I was right. That girl is was hell of a freak in the sheets. I mean, I don't remember all that much of it, but the little parts my memory can hold onto, I just keep replaying them in my head. I might even use it for future reference if you know what I mean."

Before Josh got the chance to respond, something caught his eye that made his stomach turn. Becky was walking through the hall with a large container full of the baked goods fror the sale. He called out to her, "Hey!" he said, "do you need help with that?" She nodded, nearly dropping the load in her arms. Josh began walking towards her, leaving Decker behind.

"Bro, what the fuck? You said Becky was a prude, what about this pussy I'm trying to tell you about?"

"I don't care!" he yelled, as he over to help Becky. He stopped and turned around "Oh yeah, I forgot," he said to a dumbfounded Decker, "FUCK SPRINKLERS!".