Inside the Mind of a Schizophrenic

 

 He is short. Light brown hair that is thinning. A little chubby around the

 

middle. Big feet. His torso longer than usual. Hands big, but thin arms. Hazel eyes

 

enclosed by a circle of dark eyelashes engulfed in extreme bags. Scruffy eyebrows

 

that are leaning towards being known as a unibrow. A light beard, clearly not shaved

 

for at least four or five days. His cheeks tinted on the redder side with a glow of oil.

 

The nose is round with little black dots in the inner crevices located next to

 

cheekbones. His ears are small but noticeable, the left one pierced. Due to distress, 

 

he looks about forty, but is probably twenty-five. Wrinkles in the creases of his eyes,

 

lines indented on his forehead. A unforgettable figure, easily spotted in a crowd.

 

 I put down my binoculars and read over my notes. I glance back at him; right

 

on point. I decide to name him Kirk. It reminds me of the word quirk, which is pretty

 

much what Kirk is. I’ve been watching him for a while now. I am supposed to. The

 

assignment was to pick a person that stood out to me for any reason, and watch them.

 

Describe them fully. Try to get inside their head and see what makes them unusual

 

from the students around them. Kirk was turning out to be a very good person to have

 

picked. Very interesting; Unique.

 

 Putting all my utensils back into my backpack, I jumped out of the tree and

 

headed back to my dorm. It was 3:36pm. I had two hours and twenty-four minutes

 

before Kirk was at the Jamba Juice located on the second floor of Tyler Gym. Kirk
was always there at exactly 6:00pm every other night. He stayed for thirty-seven

 

minutes on the average. Except for Wednesdays, when he stayed longer. It was a good

 

chunk of time for me to keep up my examination.

 

 I sit hunched in the corner of two walls joining in the back of the room. I

 

always make sure I am here at least five minutes before Kirk arrives. I wouldn’t want

 

him acknowledging me in any way that might bring attention to the fact that I have

 

been stalking him everyday for a month. I have been waiting to get more information

 

on his social interactions. He seems to stay mostly to himself.

 

 He walks in. Back not fully upright. He scans his surroundings, his eyes jolting

 

quickly. Middle finger and thumb twitching on his right hand. He focuses on the

 

ground, seeming to not be distracted by any loud sounds around him. He is second in

 

line for his drink. Person in front finishes ordering. Kirk says “usual” under his breath

 

to the jolly man at the counter wearing a Jamba Juice hat and glasses. No eye contact.

 

Kirk continues to look down as he gives the guy a crumpled five dollar bill from his

 

pocket. Doesn’t laugh at worker’s joke. No response at all. Takes receipt and walks

 

slowly away. Time passes and he gets his drink. Still no eye contact. Sits down at

 

empty table. Seems to be thinking very hard about something. Signs of depression.

 

Making facial maneuvers that would be interpreted as if he’s listening to someone talk

 

to him. He looks up. Starts talking loudly.

 

 “It’s a misunderstanding Delilah. Gosh, you really need to stop this. I am here

 

for you, but really - you can’t keep accusing me of this.”

 

 He is talking to nobody. No ear piece or anything. He’s looking straight

 

ahead of him, talking loudly to someone he refers to as ‘Delilah’. He gets up slowly,

 

leaving his drink behind and walks out.

 

 I sit confused. Overlooking my notes. Something sticks out to me and I repeat

 

it in my head three times. Talks to self. Talks to self. Talks to self. I tap my pencil

 

against the paper, pack up my stuff and leave.

 

 My professor walks towards me with the machine in his hand. He was amazed

 

by the paper I wrote on Kirk, so he is giving me the reward of the Magnifie 2000. I

 

can’t wait. Tonight is going to be the night I can actually go inside Kirk’s head.

 

See the world from his perspective. Hear his thoughts and really get to know why and

 

how he functions in life.

 

 It is Friday. Kirk is going to be at Jamba Juice as usual. This time I

 

will follow him out. Find his dorm room. Get inside his head.

 

 I sit in the same place as I did last Wednesday when I found out that

 

Kirk talks to himself. He’s also sitting at the same table as before. I jot down a few

 

more notes on him which is nothing compared to what I will experience tonight. He

 

gets up, using his hands to help him. He leaves Jamba Juice and turns right. I wait for

 

thirty seconds, get up, and follow him. I keep a good distance the whole time. Making

 

sure I can still see him, and if he were to turn around, he wouldn’t think anyone was

 

following him. He walks up the path that leads to the dorms. Turns the corner and

 

walks up some stairs. I follow him. He opens a door and keeps walking. I follow him.

 

He turns another corner. I follow him. He goes up the elevator and I wait for the next

 

one. I watch the lights blink as Kirk goes higher up the building. 1, 2, 3, 4.…. Floor

 

number 4. I am there in less than a minute. I catch the last glance of Kirk as he turns

 

the corner. I speed up to see where he goes. He walks and stops in front of room 436.

 

He takes out his key, goes in, and shuts the door behind him. Room 436. I leave and

 

come back around 2:00am. Kirk is sure to be asleep at this time of night. I stand four

 

feet away from his door. Holding the machine in my left hand, I try to see if the door

 

is open with my right. I am a lucky guy. I look around to see if anyone is watching. I

 

walk inside cautiously, making sure I don’t wake Kirk. I see him on his bed. Quietly, I

 

listen. He is definitely asleep. I take out the instructions of Magnifie 2000.

 

WARNING: Follow each instruction precisely.

 

1) Always keep the wrist band around your left hand to make sure you will not lose

 

Magnifie 2000.

 

2) Press the red button while putting your index finger on the sensory light.

 

CAUTION:

 

This will shrink you and the machine very small.

 

3) Once you have shrunken, enter the subjects right eye socket.

 

4) Get yourself situated in a comfortable position.

 

5) Wait until he/she wakes up, and you will be able to hear thoughts, and see the

 

world through their eyes for however long you choose until you press the blue button

 

to resize yourself. (Make sure to get out of their eye before you resize yourself.)

 

6) Have fun!

 

 I follow all the directions and sit patiently, waiting my day in the mind of

 

Kirk. It’s a long night. I am in a comfortable place, though. I am lying on a squishy red bed. I wake up by something that is being said to me…could this be it? I sit up,

 

take my note pad and pencil out. I am ready for the day. Here goes nothing.

 

 “No Delilah, I said not today.” I need to go wash my dog. I need to go wash my

 

dog. Before I go to class, I need to go wash my dog. Ah, why is my back hurting in

 

that weird place? I think I just held that position a long time. Long time. Bathroom.

 

This water is too cold on my face. Who is that man in the corner of my bathtub?

 

 “Sir who are you? Oh ok. Take your time.” No he is going to kill me. I need to

 

run. Quick. Faster. Grab my bag, class starts at 11:00am. Watch. Where’s my watch?

 

My wrist. My wrist. It is 10:32am. Ah, my left arm.

 

 “Ok Delilah, you can come. Yes. Yes, there’s always an open seat next to me

 

in class. Get your red dress on and lets go.” Key. I need key.  I need to go back and

 

lock my door, someone is going to be there with a knife behind the curtain if I don’t

 

lock my door. Everyone is going to kill me. Everyone is going to make me suffer. Oh

 

good. Good good good. Yes yes yes. The little boy is finally getting his turn at the

 

water fountain. Hopefully he will have a nice float home. It would be nice to be able

 

to float like him. But no he is out to get me. Turn me in for everything I have done

 

wrong in my life. Oh no, there’s Cindy. I can’t make Delilah jealous. Look down,

 

pretend you don’t see her. PRETEND YOU DON’T SEE HER!

 

 “Well hello there Riley, how are you today?” Ah. I can’t answer. Make words!

 

I can’t answer. Delilah will get mad.

 

 “I can’t talk to you, Cindy, Delilah will get mad.” Look down, don’t make eye

 

contact.
 
 “Riley, have you been taking your medications lately?” She does have a very

 

soft voice. But no, Delilah is right here, she will get mad. I don’t like Delilah mad.

 

            “Ok, Riley, I think we might have to set up another appointment soon ok?

 

How about today at 3:00pm?” Ah she has my hand. She’s touching my hand. She’s

 

writing on my hand. I just washed my hands. They are contaminated with therapist

 

hands and ink. Ew. Ew. Ew. Why did she write 3:00pm on my hand? She thinks I wont

 

remember? I wont remember? I will remember. Just like I remembered Delilah’s

 

birthday the other day. I did. I remembered. Get away from me. Get away from me

 

Cindy. Walk away from me Cindy. I don’t like Delilah mad.

 

 “I’m sorry Delilah, don’t be mad.” Walking walking walking. Fast. Faster. Get

 

to class on time. So many students that are out to get me. I have my knife in my

 

pocket. I have pepper spray on my keychain. I have lots of things. I do.

 

 “Don’t worry Delilah, we are safe.” Why is everyone watching us? I am merely

 

talking to my girlfriend, and everyone is watching me. Why is everyone so nosey? I

 

washed my nose today. I have to wait until 6:00pm to go to Pizza Kitchen. Too bad

 

it’s not Wednesday anymore, I could get my Jamba Juice. Delilah likes pizza. It goes

 

nicely with her red hair. Focus. Focus Riley focus. Someone is behind you. They are

 

watching you Riley, careful. Nobody is behind me. Yes they are. Walk faster. I have

 

my pepper spray. Yes I can kill them. They can’t kill me. But they can. No don’t cry.

 

Don’t cry or tear up you are a man. Riley you are a man. Wow that girl is beautiful.

 

Why is she only wearing a bathing suit? Riley you are a man. A man. A big buff man.

 

You can handle anything. But I can’t. I’m just telling myself that. Skip class. You can’t

 

miss 3:00pm. 3:00pm! See I remembered!

 

 “Delilah I remembered 3:00pm.” Yes. Good. I will sit on this bench and wait.

 

Waiting waiting waiting. That person just zoomed by my like a beam of light. Why is

 

everyone walking so fast? Everyone is so serious. Ah they all just looked at me. All at

 

once they all just looked at me. No I am imagining things. I am imagining things.

 

Close your eyes. Close my eyes. Now picture yourself calm. Yes, I am remembering

 

what Cindy told me to do last week. Was it last week? Yes. Yes it was last week.

 

 “Delilah you are wonderful.” She is wonderful. She takes my worries away.

 

Last night she killed off a soldier that was trying to sneak into my room. She did.

 

She’s amazing. She protects me. I don’t know what I would do without her.

 

 “Good job, Riley, you remembered and are here on time. Did you find this

 

place ok?” Yes. Yes. Good she is rewarding me. Just like the seventh grade science

 

fair. I was rewarded. It feels good to be rewarded. It does.

 

 “Yes miss Cindy. I told Delilah not to get mad. Get mad at me. Not to get mad

 

at me for seeing you today.”

 

 “Riley, when was the last time you took your pills?” Remember. Don’t let her

 

down. I don’t remember. I am a failure. A failure at everything. I don’t remember.

 

 “It’s ok Riley, just keep calm, everything is going to be ok. We are going to

 

put you onto a new medication that is for your depression and anxiety. Everything

 

will be ok.” She is reassuring. I am going to cry. I am going to cry and let her know

 

exactly how I am feeling. But no, I am a man. Keep strong. Keep very strong. Hold

 

your left leg and squeeze it. Look up and don’t you cry!

 

 “Thank you miss Cindy, can I leave now?”

 

 “Yes Riley, take this bottle and read the directions before you decide to take

 

one ok? But you need to take one every day. Remember that you have to take one

 

every day.”

 

 “Every day, every day. Ok miss Cindy. I don’t think Delilah will be mad.” Get

 

out. Get out of three before she tries to kiss you. She wants you but you want Delilah.

 

Yes. Delilah is way prettier. I have to get back to my dorm. Hopefully Delilah has

 

killed all the bad guys in my dorm. Take the elevator up. Ah, why is there a small dead

 

elf in the corner of the elevator. Ignore it. Just like Cindy says. It’s not real. It’s fake.

 

He’s a fake dead elf. Fake dead elf. Fake dead elf.

 

 “You are a fake dead elf. You are not real! Stop talking to me. Stop please

 

stop! You are dead and you are fake. You are dead and you are fake. Fake. FAKE!” I

 

need to go to sleep. I need to get some rest. I will take a nap before I go to Pizza.

 

Delilah wont be mad. Hopefully she wont be mad. This is comfortable. This bed is

 

comfortable. Ah yes. Fall asleep. NO! I can’t fall asleep I heard something in the

 

bathroom.

 

 “Delilah! There’s someone in the bathroom! Kill him! Delilah kill him!” Good.

 

Now I can fall asleep. I will fall asleep. Take a nap and

 

fall……..aslee…..asleee….asleep.

 

 I am shocked. I get out of this nice cozy bed and I am shocked. I walk down

 

Kirk’s face and hop down onto the pillow. I hop onto the bed stand and rock climb

 

down the wall. I listen closely to hear if Kirk is sleeping. He is. I press the blue button

 

on Magnifie 2000, and erupt back into my normal size. I get out of the room and away

 

from Kirk. I walk up to my own dorm to do some research on what I just experienced.

 

I type in my different notes that I took into my encyclopedia.

 

- Impairments in the perception or expression of reality.

 

- Extreme hallucinations

 

- Paranoid or bizarre delusions

 

- Disorganized speech and thinking

 

- Remains motionless in strange postures

 

- Social isolation

 

- Paranoia

 

- Bad attention span

 

  I was correct. Kirk most definitely has Schizophrenia. Boy oh boy am I going

 

to have an interesting conversation with my professor tomorrow.