Smart Went Crazy

    He's got ants in his pants. This is inevitable, because He is buried in an ant mound. There's ants crawling in just about every orifice of his body, except for his eyes, the ants left them alone. The queen ant has taken up residence in the nail of his right middle finger, He wonders when she's going to leave. He becomes aware of the apparent conversations going on between all the ants, they are discussing everything from the stock market to what happened on American Idol last night. He’s getting tired of the mound so He conjures up all his strength and breaks free.
   
    He is free. He is running. He is naked. The jungle whizzes by as if it is flying next to him. There is a moment where He is flying, but He gets grounded once again. He is beginning to become annoyed with that damn queen ant, she's comfortable and has no intention of leaving.
   
    The jungle ends. He approaches a short stout woman who looks about seventeen. She is wearing pants with straps on them and has a pointy nose reminiscent of some type of South American bird. He also becomes faintly aware of the fact that she is eating her boogers. She is grinning. She speaks, “Hello, He, you should really put some clothes on. It’s very cold and you might get frostbite. I’m sorry I tend to go on weird tangents. I have a prophecy for you-”
   
    He interrupts her, He doesn’t want any prophecy from a weird booger eating bird girl.
   
    He hears footsteps. A creature is on his tail. They have most likely been set to find the queen, who He is starting to become good friends with. He catches one glimpse and is horrified. The creature looks like a young girl except with the face of Bowser, the Mario Party character. He takes off.
   
    The Bowser girl is blundering after him yelling in a dialogue he cannot understand. It must be something from the ants.
   
    Bowsers gone, booger is gone, the queen finally left, He is all alone. His tranquility is interrupted when a rabid bengal tiger notices him and approaches him. He leaps onto his car and pulls out his cell phone. He calls animal control and explains the situation. According to animal control bengal tigers respond well to extremely high pitched ringing sounds. So He has to do his best to recreate one to scare off the tiger. His first attempt sounds more like a pig squealing for its mother than a high a pitched ringing sound. His second attempt gets closer and his third is dead on. Unfortunately for him this just makes the tiger mad and it begins to scale the four story car He is standing on.
    Then his good friend Robin Williams is here to help him. He remembers that Robin always has the answers. Robin dives in but is immediately mauled by the ferocious bengal tiger. He moves on, He doesn’t like to remember things.
   
    Then the queen ant is up again after her considerably long absence. This time she's in it for real, she is committed, there is no turning back. His clothes are also gone again, but He’s in Israel and its one hundred and ten degrees, so its all good.
   
    He shows the queen around the beautiful beach town of Eilat. She gets jealous whenever He stares at the beautiful woman who populate the city. He helps to build her a bed under his nail, she had been complaining about the bare skin claiming it was uncomfortable.

    He is sad when it comes time for the queen to return to her colony. They have a teary goodbye and then with a poof of smoke she is gone.

    He is defending himself. He is at his back door and a crazy homeless woman is trying to enter his house. She is short with thinning gray hair and it is impossible to see the beauty or the passion in her through her wrinkles and her evil. She is followed by an army, and they are all just her. He is kicking but there is nothing he can do, she is coming in.

    He is then greeted by his mother and father who are trying to help but soon realize there is nothing they can do. They are killed by the woman. He runs upstairs as the army fills the house. He crawls into a drawer in his dresser and hides.

    He hears the army come in and they begin to look around his room. He hears the footsteps get louder and louder, they are right next to the dresser. Then He sneezes. The drawer is immediately pulled open and the woman is standing above him. She takes a deep breath and says, “Back to the mound with you, ya hear?”

    His life is over. He is back in the ant mound. The ants have returned to his pants, he is not naked anymore. The subjects of their conversations have moved to Britney Spears’ breakdown (they’re a little late to hear about it) and the possible break up of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. He is truly fascinated by the ant mound, it is like an entire city. He goes looking for the queen, He thinks He maybe can rekindle what once was.

    In his explorations of the ant mound he runs into all of his old counterparts. Booger the oracle is there, so is Bowser face, and surprisingly enough, Robin Williams back from the grave.

    He gives booger the time of day she is able to share a prophecy with him. She takes a deep breath and recites for him a cryptic message. She says,
“Now you see this one-eyed midget
Shouting the word “NOW”
And you say, “For what reason?”
And he says, “How?”
And you say, “What does this mean?”
And he screams back, “You're a cow
Give me some milk
Or else go home”

    He immediately realizes that the oracle just recited Bob Dylan lyrics. That's when he walks away from and her and decides to never seek her advice again. Booger was not that bright.

    He wakes up and he is falling falling falling. The reality that he is going to smack against water becomes more and more real by the second. He is quite content with this fate for two reasons.
   
    The first being the queen is back, she is now living under the nail of his left thumb. She realized she was much more left than right. The second reason is He is actually standing on a cliff imagining himself plummeting to a watery grave. His fate is never inevitable. He always had the control He just needed to acknowledge it.

    He watches as the homeless woman meets his once inevitable fate and plummets into the water. She is followed by Booger, Bowser, and for some strange reason Robin Williams, even though he was only acting with good intentions. He laughs as each one is obliterated upon hitting the sharp, ice cold surface of the water. “Fuck em,” he thinks to himself. He is better off without them.

    He sits down with the queen and they begin to express their views on the whole Tom and Katie situation. He thinks Katie is too good for Tom, she is better looking and Tom is also a Scientologist, which make everyone better than him. The queen disagrees, she thinks Katie is a worthless girl and Tom is settling because Katie is attractive and Tom is lazy. They agree to disagree. He is watching the sunset when he has a type of epiphany. One of those largely discussed “Aha” moments where everything becomes clear.

    He realizes what He needed to do all along. He realizes his fate. His destiny. His moment comes. He takes his left thumb, pulls the queen out, and flicks her off the cliff like a little insignificant bug. “Shoo bug!” He yells as she glides down into the water. 

    Then he strolls off quietly playing his banjo.