Oliver Russell’s Stunningly Accurate Facebook Feed
December 16
Oliver and Alison Draper are now friends. 4:30 pm
Oliver wrote on Alison Draper’s wall:
“Hey, so I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you in math class this semester. You’re a lot more interesting than derivatives. Want to hang out sometime?”
and almost pressed the enter button twice, but then deleted it and went to the kitchen to get a glass of orange juice. 4:36 pm
“
Oliver checked to see if Alison Draper had written anything on his wall. 4:40 pm
Oliver checked to see if Alison Draper had written anything on his wall. 4:42 pm
Oliver checked to see if Alison Draper had written anything on his wall. 4:43pm
Andrew Russell sent Oliver a message:
“Bro, how’s home? Chico’s fucking great, I swear girls just straight-up jump me. Yeaaaah, life is good. Did you ask the hottie from your math class out yet? You gotta get on that, they don’t stay single long.
P.S. Tell mom to send me money.” 5:12pm
Oliver briefly entertained the notion of defriending Andrew Russell, but then realized he’d only have 57 friends, and the odd number would trigger his OCD. 5:20pm
Oliver was tagged in the album Star Wars Marathon/Costume Party at Max’s House!!! 6:48pm
Oliver untagged himself from the album Star Wars Marathon/Costume Party at Max’s House!!! 6:55pm
Oliver sent Max Lee a message:
“You know, some things were really NOT meant to go on facebook.” 6:59pm
Max Lee wrote on Oliver’s wall:
“Whatever, you’re just mad because your Wookie costume sucked.” 7:03pm
Oliver deleted Max Lee’s comment, then threw his Wookie costume in the recycling bin. 7:07pm
Alison Draper wrote on Oliver’s wall:
“Do you know what tonight’s homework is? I totally lost the assignment sheet. Thanks! 7:44pm
Oliver spent 5 minutes and 37 seconds trying to think of a way in which “I totally lost the assignment sheet” could translate into “I want to do you.” 7:46pm
Oliver joined the group Hazelwood Elementary Alums 8:31pm
Oliver and Mark Greenwell are now friends. 8:47pm
Mark Greenwell wrote on Oliver’s wall:
“Sup, man? I haven’t talked to you since fifth grade, what’s up?” 8:54pm
Oliver stalked Mark Greenwell’s profile, hoping that he still liked watching sci-fi movies and painting with watercolors. His pictures indicated he was more into coke and graffiti. 8:58pm
Alison Draper is listed as in a relationship with Sean White. 9:27pm
Sean White sent Oliver a friend request 9:43pm
Oliver stared at Sean White’s picture and remembered how Sean used to shove him up against the boy’s locker room wall and call him a stupid little pussy and steal his inhaler when he was having an asthma attack and laugh when he choked and gasped for air. 9:50pm
Oliver and Sean White are now friends. 9:52pm
Alison Draper wrote on Sean White’s wall:
“I can’t wait to see you tomorrow morning!! Don’t forget, you said you’d give me your letterman jacket!” 10:10pm
Oliver searched Facebook Marketplace for “Used Letterman Jackets” 10:13pm
December 17
11 of Oliver’s Friends are attending the Pre-Winter Break Kegger at Danny’s House!!! 9:50am
Oliver clicked on the event and spent 7 minutes and 26 seconds browsing who was going. He briefly considered going, then remembered he hated beer, parties, and Danny McIntyre, through not necessarily in that order. 9:52am
Alison Draper wrote on the wall for Pre Winter Break Kegger at Danny’s House!!! 11:34am
“ Sooo excited to see everybody! Me and Sean are bringing Mike’s Hard Lemonade to share, what’s everybody else bringing?”
Oliver clicked on Alison Draper’s new profile picture, and wondered just how flexible she had to be to get her leg wrapped so far around Sean’s massive, beefy thigh. 12:12pm
Oliver is a lone rider. 12:21pm
Oliver realized that made him sound lonely and pathetic, and cleared his status. 12:22pm
Oliver is a rough rider. 12:24pm
Oliver realized that sounded overtly sexual, and cleared his status. 12:25pm
December 19
11 of Oliver’s friends attended Pre Winter Break Kegger at Danny’s House!!! 8:56am
Oliver realized that each of those 11 “friends” were people who probably didn’t even know his last name. 9:03am
Alison Draper and Sean White are no longer in a relationship 9:19am
Oliver momentarily paused his facebook stalking to dance around his small, cluttered room, knocking over his collection of Lord of the Rings bobbleheads. 9:21am
Oliver clicked on Alison Draper’s profile. There was no recent activity. 9:56am
Oliver hit refresh. 10:00am
Oliver hit refresh. 10:02am
Oliver hit refresh 10:04am
Oliver hit refresh. 10:05am
Alison Draper and Jenny Swenson are no longer friends. 10:37am
Alison Draper wrote a new note:
“ I just wanted to say thank you so much to all my friends who aren’t lying, backstabbing whores. You guys are the best, and I don’t know what I’d do without you. It’s so great to just have some people in my life who aren’t going to fuck my boyfriend and then be like, “Oh, I was sooo drunk, I didn’t know what I was doing.” Because if you had MAYBE one jello shot and a beer, you are totally sober enough NOT to go jumping on some guy’s nuts.
Anyway, just wanted to say I love you! : )” 10:43am
Oliver experienced three different thoughts in the 32 seconds it took him to read the note.
Jenny Sweson has deleted her facebook 11:03am
Oliver wrote on Alison Draper’s wall:
“ Hey, I know you were having trouble with that practice test on Thursday, if you ever want help, let me know. I also know a lot of good calculus pickup lines, in case you want those too.” 11:22am
Oliver realized that last sentence came out a lot creepier than he’d meant it to. 11:24am
Oliver checked if Alison Draper had defriended him 11:26am
Oliver checked if Alison Draper had defriended him. 11:28am
Max Lee wrote on Oliver’s wall:
“ Dude, we still up for baking on Sunday? I’ve got this great chocolate mousse recipe I want to try out, and my mom said we could have the kitchen. 11:51am
Oliver deleted Max Lee’s comment 11:55am
Oliver sent Max Lee a message:
“ I swear, you want to make sure I NEVER get laid.” 9:57am
Max Lee sent Oliver a message:
“ Chicks dig it when you cook for them. Doesn’t Danielle love it when you bake her stuff?” 12:06am
Oliver sent Max Lee a message:
“ Max, stop calling my mother Danielle. It’s just weird.” 12:10am
Alison Draper and Sean White are listed as in a relationship 12:28am
Alison Draper and Sean White are no longer in a relationship 12:34am
Alison Draper and Sean White are It’s Complicated 12:39am
Oliver is so fucking confused 12:41am
Oliver spent 4 minutes and 56 seconds clicking through Alison Draper’s 328 photos and wondering what It’s Complicated meant. Was it:
a.) the bad kind of complicated that ended in breaking up
b.) the good kind that brought a couple together
c.) the kind of complicated that isn’t actually complicated but no one really cares enough to figure it out
d.) none of the above 12:45am
Alison Draper sent Oliver a message:
“ HeyHey Oliver Rusel, I could sooo use some help with Calc right now, it’s kicking my ass. If you tutored me, I’d be happy to pay you, obviously.” 12:55am
Oliver choked on his cranberry juice, then refreshed the page to make sure his sleep-deprived eyes hadn’t read it wrong. 12:59am
Oliver sent Alison Draper a message:
“Sure! Should I bring my AP practice book?” 1:02pm
Alison Draper sent Oliver a message:
“That would be great, and a calculator.
My house is 3056 Linden Ave. You live on Park Drive, right? Shouldn’t take you more than five minutes to walk.” 1:06pm
Oliver sent Alison Draper a message:
“I’ll be over in fifteen.” 1:08pm
Oliver has signed off. 1:10pm
Oliver has signed back on. 1:35pm
Oliver attempted to type, but his fingers were shaking too hard to type. He took a two minute inhaler break instead. 1:37pm
Alison Draper sent Oliver a message:
“Um, what the fuck? Why the fuck did you freak out like that?” 1:48pm
Oliver sent Alison Draper a message:
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know ‘tutoring’ was slang for ‘stick your hand down some guy’s pants. I barely know you, Alison.’” 1:54pm
Max Lee invited Oliver to play Scrabulous. 1:58pm
Oliver denied Max Lee’s Scrabulous invitation. 1:58pm
Oliver refreshed the page. 2:00pm
Oliver refreshed the page. 2:02pm
Oliver realphabetized all his Star Wars novels, then refreshed the page. 2:14pm
Alison Draper sent Oliver a message:
“ Oh whatever, like you haven’t been staring at my chest since September. I’m not fucking blind. Look, Sean’s being a jerk and sleeping with all my friends, even Becky, and she’s fat. I need revenge sex, you need your cherry popped. So, are you in?” 2:20pm
Oliver wondered how she knew he was a virgin. Then he looked at the interests listed on his profile, and completely understood. 2:23pm
Oliver composed a message to Alison Draper:
Oliver deleted the message. 2:27pm
Oliver composed a message to Alison Draper:
Oliver deleted the message. 2:29pm
Oliver clicked through all of Alison Draper’s 328 photos and thought about how pretty she was, and how she made fun of the girl with the lisp in their math class, and how she could make you melt just by smiling, and how she’d hurt Jenny, and how her hair was perfectly, naturally straight and blond, and how rude she was to Mr. Kahan when he asked her to put away her cell phone. 2:36pm
Oliver sent Alison Draper a message:
“ I think I’d prefer to lose it to someone who actually knows how to spell my last name. But thanks.” 2:42pm
II Alison Draper sent Oliver a message:
“ Whatev, your loss, loser.” 2:48pm
OlOliver can’t believe he just did that. 2:49pm
Oliver is stupid. 2:50pm
Oliver is stupid/has morals. 2:52pm
Oliver just is. 2:54pm