The Usual

Two boys, one tall, one small, of Westchester Middle School walked down the steps towards the number eleven bus stop.

“Did you hear what happened to Roland’s brother yesterday?” said one boy settling himself on a faded bench.

“On the field trip?” the other asked.

“Yeah, on the field trip. We were at the carnival, riding the Screech. You know that wooden one? And all of a sudden Roland’s brother slipped out of his seatbelt and rose into the air.”

“What??”

“I swear, he just drifted up and didn’t come down. He just disappeared into the clouds. They closed the whole park and told everyone to leave.”

“No way,” scoffed the unperturbed child,

“Seriously. Our teachers came and told us to not talk about what we had seen, and that everything was going to be all right.”

“He just went up into the sky, and they told you there wasn’t a problem? I’m not sure I believe that.”

“Honest to God. Ask anyone in third period English. This kid just floated into the air, higher and higher, and then he vanished.”

“Crazy shit.”

The two bots sat in silence for a moment, then the tall one turned, “Did you see the Ranger’s game last night?”

The Breakup

Hey babe  How was your day  Oh really mine too  Fucking English homework is taking over my life  Yup  Shit is ridiculous  I know right  Five pages in insanity  So are we on for this weekend  Uhhhhh  What do you mean you are feeling kinda sick  Anything I can do to help  Naw  You are just gonna stay at home  Can I come over and make you some soup or something  I cant  And why not  What do you mean you have something to tell me, do you have herpes or something  What do you mean you don’t feel like this is the time for a relationship  What the fuck  Are you seriously breaking up with me  Oh come on babe, I thought we had something going on here  What do you mean its you not me, its obviously something I did  What, don’t tell me I don’t like you that much, how do you know what I am feeling  Wait you are serious  You need time  Oh come on, don’t treat me like a child  Is this really the end  Its been three years, has the sex gotten boring  If its not that, than what  Its MY FAMILY  You have got to be shitting me  Tell me the truth what is it  My hair  Honestly  Is it really that crazy  Jeez you don’t have to be a bitch about it  Well if you are gonna be that way just stop talking  Karen  Karen  Did you really just hang up on me  Oh goddamn she really did just hang up  Fuck  FUCK

Bingo

“Seventy two!” the announcer shouted.

            The elderly residents of Pine Oaks Retirement community shuffled around their cards, looking for that last number which would a small bit of joy to their rather monotonous lives.

            No shrieks of bingo echoed around the off white room. Nothing hung in the room except for one painting of road that seemed to fade into the background.

“Fourteen!”

Shirley Montgomery screamed, “BINGO,” at the top of her seventy eight year old lungs. The four-time bingo champion looked ecstatic as she hobbled her way up to the podium to collect her commemorative pen.

When the volunteer official reviewed her card, it was found that she had X’d out the number fifty-six, which had never been called. Shirley was disqualified to her disgust. The disgruntled woman returned to her seat with a heavy scowl across her face.

She would live to play again the next night, and the next, and the next.

Drama

“Steve, the pacific has gone up six degrees in the last week. This data is unlike anything we have ever seen,” Jared exclaimed as he lifted the thermometer out of the almost unbearably hot water.

“Shit, man. The process seems to be irreversible. Let’s get back to the research yurt and share or findings with Wyatt,” Steve responded.

“Good idea,” Jared said as he began to zip up his pack. Moving a little more slowly than usual in order to get Steve to walk in front of him.

As they clambered out of the narrow hole, Jared pulled his .45 semi automatic out of his shoulder holster, keeping it close to his hip. He continued to make small talk until they reached the sand at which point he shot Steve with absolutely warning.

“That’s for fucking my sister!” Jared yelled as he hunched over the dying man.

“She wasn’t as good as your mom though,” Steve gasped as his last breath escaped his lips.

W

 ‘Hey now, watch out for the inflatable raft. Definitely don’t want to pop that. Yeah, just put the air conditioning unit on top of that box,” George said.

“Will that be all, sir?” the Wal-Mart clerk asked.

“That’s it, thanks,” he said as he closed the trunk and walked around to the driver’s side.

“Ermmm,” the clerk cleared his throat. “A tip is customary, sir.”

“Why would I pay you for doing your job,” Bush said as he slid into his Chevy Bronco.

When he got back to his newly purchased house in Aspen, Colorado, he began to unload all his beach supplies and bring them to his enormous porch.

His neighbor came out of the adjacent house and asked, “What’s with all the beach stuff? Are you going on vacation, George?”

            Bush responded, “I just got here, why would I leave already. When I first took office, the head of the EPA told me global warming would result in the ice caps melting. This would flood the coasts and make many inland states beachfront property. My first reaction was to buy this house, knowing that soon the water would be only yards away.”

“You do realize that it will take one hundred years for that to happen, right?”

“Well that’s what I was told, so I began trying to quicken the effects by refusing to regulate any industries and blocking states’ efforts to curb carbon dioxide emissions. I was trying to get moved in here as soon as possible. I think I did a pretty good job,” the uncaring ex-president said.

“No seriously George, it’s supposed to take a hundred years,” the skeptical neighbor retorted.

“I will bet you the water gets here within a year,” the anxious politician reacted.

“Alright…what do you want to bet?” Bush’s neighbor asked.

“An Aston Martin.”

“It’s on,” the unfortunate loser agreed as a giant wall of water loomed in the background.

“I told you so,” Bush boasted right before they were both crushed along with the entire neighborhood.

Matzo

            “And if you don’t come back with that matzo, don’t come back at all!” Evelyn hollered out the door moments before she slammed it with such force, a couple shingles slid off the roof landing on well-manicured lawn.

            “Shit, she’s really in one of those moods. Must be that time of the month,” Michael thought aloud.

            He Ran from store to store, increasingly panicked, only to find that everywhere seemed to be fresh out.

            “How many freaking Jews live in Palm Springs?” he wondered.

            His last and only option at saving his marriage from a surely brutal demise, was to venture into new territory, Wal-Mart. He had never been in the store: he considered it beneath him.

            As Michael struggled to find his bearings in the new environment, he saw a sign that read BAKERY in giant red letters.

            “Well that wasn’t so difficult,” he said as he wandered down the aisle, looking at the giant packs of diapers and paper towels, wondering how a Jew could have missed the opportunity to save money like this.

            He finally arrived at the bakery counter, only to see one last box of matzo sitting on a stool to the left of the Cinnabuns. He immediately grabbed it. And was relieved his first Wal-mart experience had gone so smoothly. As he spun around he almost knocked over an elderly woman.

            “Oh I’m so sorry. Are you alright, ma’am?” he asked.

            “Oh I’m fine. Thank you, I was just coming to get some matzo for tomorrow’s Passover…” she trailed off as her eyes found the empty stool. Her gaze drifted to the box in his arms. Michael could feel her almost looking through him. “Do you think I could have that one?” she asked, mustering as much old lady charm as she could.

            “Any other day, absolutely. Unfortunately this box determines how my marriage will end. Either today, or hopefully never,” Michael responded, trying to let her down as easily as he possibly could.

            “Please, God will bless you, I promise. Your wife will understand.”

            “I’m sorry, but I have been running around all day looking for this, and honestly I can’t give it up,” he continued.

            “Wrong choice,” the old woman said as she pulled out a giant gold chain that had the letter G-O-D on it. “You really you learn to be more generous. I guess it’s a little late for that now,” she coolly said as she raised her index finger level with his nose.

            ZZZAAAAPPPPPPP, and all of a sudden Michael was just a pile of ash scattered across the off-white floor. The old woman caught the box as it fell, and hobbled slowly towards the check out.